All right.. here goes. (gulp.) A few years ago, I was having an issue. A health issue. A really humiliating one. You moms out there know what I am talking about... OK, maybe you don't and I just have to say it. FINE... urgh... maybe if I say it really fast, it won't be so bad....ihadhemmorhoids.... nope. Still embarrassing.
So, of course, I panicked. I was fairly certain that I was going to die a slow and painful death, all because of my hiney. At my funeral, people would walk up to my family and ask why such a young woman was struck down in the prime of her life. And my family would have to say "Her butt... her butt just couldn't handle it. It just gave out. We were all so shocked, but she warned us. She told us this would happen." And then they would all cry and give their donations to the S.H.A.T. Organization.(Sore Hinies Are Terminal.)-Thanks V!
Anyway, because I was sure I was dealing with a life threatening health issue, I decided to search the Web for possible solutions. Those of you who know me, know this is not a good idea. I started with your basic Web MD stuff. Reading the symptoms, I realized that yes, indeed, I had them. Now, what are the cures? Um, there aren't any. What?? OK, I start to panic slightly. Surgery is sometimes required. What?? So I start to look up the possible surgeries. Not pretty stuff. There are rubber bands involved...
I looked at photos...eww. Very gory. I started to breathe a little heavier. Oh my god... I am going to have to go to the doctor for this. I am going to have to show them my butt!! My heart is beating faster. I start reading about "thrombosis"... I type in "lethal hemorrhoids" and " Death from Hemorrhoids". Oh my god.. the room is starting to spin. I stare at a picture of some one's sphincter and hold on the sides of my laptop and try to catch my breath. What if it never goes away? What if I have this for the rest of my life? What if they get so big you can see them when I wear a bathing suit? What if........
Blackness.... I open my eyes...I'm still sitting but I am slumped in my chair, my face is resting on the keyboard. I have no idea where I am. Then, I look at the screen and someone's pink and shiny rectum is starting back at me. Oh yeah. Yes, I have actually managed to pass out while researching hemorrhoids on the Internet. I slam the computer shut and make a solemn promise to eat more fiber and never search medical conditions again.
