All right.. here goes. (gulp.) A few years ago, I was having an issue. A health issue. A really humiliating one. You moms out there know what I am talking about... OK, maybe you don't and I just have to say it. FINE... urgh... maybe if I say it really fast, it won't be so bad....ihadhemmorhoids.... nope. Still embarrassing.
So, of course, I panicked. I was fairly certain that I was going to die a slow and painful death, all because of my hiney. At my funeral, people would walk up to my family and ask why such a young woman was struck down in the prime of her life. And my family would have to say "Her butt... her butt just couldn't handle it. It just gave out. We were all so shocked, but she warned us. She told us this would happen." And then they would all cry and give their donations to the S.H.A.T. Organization.(Sore Hinies Are Terminal.)-Thanks V!
Anyway, because I was sure I was dealing with a life threatening health issue, I decided to search the Web for possible solutions. Those of you who know me, know this is not a good idea. I started with your basic Web MD stuff. Reading the symptoms, I realized that yes, indeed, I had them. Now, what are the cures? Um, there aren't any. What?? OK, I start to panic slightly. Surgery is sometimes required. What?? So I start to look up the possible surgeries. Not pretty stuff. There are rubber bands involved...
I looked at photos...eww. Very gory. I started to breathe a little heavier. Oh my god... I am going to have to go to the doctor for this. I am going to have to show them my butt!! My heart is beating faster. I start reading about "thrombosis"... I type in "lethal hemorrhoids" and " Death from Hemorrhoids". Oh my god.. the room is starting to spin. I stare at a picture of some one's sphincter and hold on the sides of my laptop and try to catch my breath. What if it never goes away? What if I have this for the rest of my life? What if they get so big you can see them when I wear a bathing suit? What if........
Blackness.... I open my eyes...I'm still sitting but I am slumped in my chair, my face is resting on the keyboard. I have no idea where I am. Then, I look at the screen and someone's pink and shiny rectum is starting back at me. Oh yeah. Yes, I have actually managed to pass out while researching hemorrhoids on the Internet. I slam the computer shut and make a solemn promise to eat more fiber and never search medical conditions again.
A Freakin Men. Never again. Ever. I concur.
ReplyDeleteI actually like Web MD. It's always helpful to know that for any ailment, that death is always a possibility.
ReplyDeleteI had the surgery. DON'T DO IT!!!!! try some tucks pads, and witch hazel. Keep it in the fridge cause it feels much better when its cold.
ReplyDeleteI just saved you a trip to the doc. Your welcome.
Oh PS. Witch hazel is not to be taken internally. In case of accidental overdose, call Poison Control.
heehee - soak the pads in the witch hazel then apply to the bum. The End. haha! The END - I slay me.
I had a similar but not quite the same situation after giving birth and home for a week. Had to call an ambulance - no fun having to explain over and over that the problem was with my ass! I can certainly empathize Kel!
ReplyDeleteOh my gosh! I am so sorry (I laughed a little), forgive me. Knock on wood (some serious wood) I have not had to deal with this same issue. I feel so bad for those of you that have!
ReplyDeleteOh and Kel, come by my blog there's a little something for ya. ;)
I didn't have this same issue, but Web MD and similar websites made me suffer for years as a hypochondriac.
ReplyDeleteI was playing The Oregon Trail computer game and the sound of a bee buzzing (in the game) made me have an all-out panic attack. (I never played the game again.) Those websites convinced me that as a 10th grader I had had a HEART ATTACK. I spent years (literally) thinking that I was suffering from constant heart attacks and on the verge of death.
Sometime during college I completely got over being a hypochondriac, but no I do NOT, under any circumstances, look at those websites.
OMG! I am SO sorry, I broke a pinkie promise! I did it - and then i still laughed! :( Please forgive me! But I DO feel for you! My 1 year old neice was at the dr. last week, and that little baby has hemmroids! I feel HORRIBLE for her! This is something I've never had to deal with, but i am very sorry! :(
ReplyDeleteKel....lmao....this is exactly what I needed to cheer me up a little today :) you're insanely funny..
ReplyDeletemaybe there isnt kids in my future... lol! this was great!
ReplyDeleteOh dahhh-yum, girl!
ReplyDeleteIt was REALLY hard to keep the pinkie promise--matter of fact it was IMPOSSIBLE!! Sorry about the roids--get yourself some Tucks--they are marvelous!!
ReplyDeleteSee, now I think "Sore Hinies Are Terminal" would have provided you with a better acronym.
ReplyDelete:)
Sorry you're in pain (and terrifying yourself.) I have a friend (really - a friend) who was told he needed surgery but went to an alternative medicine guy who gave him a wierd little paste and told him to rub the paste on a garlic clove and put the clove somewhere the sun doesn't shine. It worked. (It's not me. I swear)
Good luck with that.
HA. Try my job. I underwrite health insurance which means I diagnose myself and everyone I know with some new deadly disease every other month. good times
ReplyDeleteThanks to two kids and labor that I have the dreaded asshole beads and they are no fun. I have learned that increasing my water and fiber helps with not being constipated. Therefore no flair ups. As long as you stay hydrated it will be so much better for you.
ReplyDeleteI kept my promise because I have been through the same thing. It's totally embarassing and I hate it. Prob TMI but mine were so bad that I would bleed horribly after using the bathroom. That's when I had to make a change in my drinking (water of course, lol) and eating habits. Good luck babe!!
Wow. I actually had fun reading about someone's butthole. Thanks for the grin! I hope things get better soon!!
ReplyDeletehehehe, the was so funny, oh i mean no that was so sad and not funny at all. : )
ReplyDeleteOh my...that was so funny, I can't even stand it. GREAT POST ABOUT YOUR BOOTY!
ReplyDeleteOMG you need to stay away from Web MD when you are looking up stuff for yourself-- you might end up on the floor next time!!
ReplyDeleteI know people who have had the surgeries-- gosh awful stuff. I hope you got lots of cream my dear and your hiney gets better. I know I just ignore mine as best I can and pray they disappear.
ReplyDeleteLOL Good grief the things our bodies go through...I'm feelin' ya. :)
ReplyDeletehmmm...since that was a few years ago - i hope you got the "situation" under control but I'm also thinking you didn't learn your lesson about webmd.
ReplyDelete"Then, I look at the screen and someone's pink and shiny rectum is starting back at me."
ReplyDelete:D
I know it's so wrong to laugh at others suffering... and I did it anyway. I'm evil.
Oh, and I tagged you over at Rants. :) (If you feel like it...)
Honest to God this was hilarious. I feel your pain honey....it's fun stuff isn't it!??
ReplyDeleteI should send this to my husband. Every time he's even the slightest bit sick, he goes on WebMD and becomes convinced he's about to die. I hope you're feeling better! I think both you and him are going be just fine! :)
ReplyDeleteYou are too funny, and just what I needed to day! Thank you!
ReplyDeleteP.S. That "high fivin'" thing so cracks me up!
Isn’t is great being a woman...like giving birth wasn’t enough?!? They had to go and add that little side-effect! At least you know you’re not the only one that has had to deal... haha
ReplyDeleteOMG...you're hilarious! I mean this situation is not hilarious, but you are. When I was pregnant w/ my youngest...I had hemorrhoids so bad, i was pretty sure my youngest was trying to be born through the wrong exit........ Yeah, they're not fun
ReplyDeleteI don't want to make anyone suffer, so I will leave a comment. Especially since you commented on my blog.
ReplyDeleteI tend to have an over active imagination combined with a doom and gloom personality. I don't need the internet to get myself worked up over something. My brain takes care of it all on it's own.
OMG!!! I did the WebMD and that shit is like crack for hypocondraics!! I pooped one day and I saw blood, I quickly WebMD-ed it and there wall this shit, I thought I was going to die or have insane surgery. I actually passed out and when I woke up I was in the hospital. I got checked out and it turned out I ate a sunflower seed shell. That damn WebMD.
ReplyDelete"What if they get so big you can see them when I wear a bathing suit?" - HAHahAHaHAha!
ReplyDeleteI would have never enjoyed that line had you not stopped by my blog today. So thanks.
oh dear. my sister has a friend that had to have surgery for her hems. oy. b.a.d. and then she had to bring a donut pillow with her while her butt recovered. she even had to bring it to work. oy.
ReplyDeleteSomehow I managed to escape this lovely pregnancy-related condition. But there is "someone" in my house who does get them now and again. You haven't lived until you've wrestled a tube of Prep-H out of a toothpaste crazed two year old's grasp.
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
ReplyDeletedeath from hemorrhoids why would you google that. Oh my I really really needed a good laugh just now.
ReplyDeleteI certainly hope the situation is "rec"tified. Get it? Rec-tified. Hahaha.
ReplyDeleteIt is so easy to get caught up in researching on the internet and then see something you wish you hadn't.
ReplyDeleteOh my God! Hilarious ( not the actual hemorrhoids of course). I learned never never to research symptoms or anything else medical. It just leads to me having a anxiety attack. For example, I'm fairly certain I have the swine flu.
ReplyDeleteYou lost a reasonable comment when I started cracking up at sphincter. Girl you had me laughing at this one!
ReplyDeleteI have had many embarassing problems that I have been convinced I will die from (looking on the computer is never a good idea lol). I have had 4 kids for crying out loud! And hemmoriods Do suck and scared the crap out of me (no pun intended) the 1st time I had them. Luckily Prep H took care of it. hang in there girl:)
I have been rectally passed over, thank god!!!
ReplyDeleteFunny funny blog!
Thanks for stopping by mine!
LOL... i don't know if i should be happy or sad we can find so much info on the net. i find myself getting all sorts of things i don't know i might have or exist.
ReplyDeleteHA HA HA!
ReplyDelete"S.H.A.T." ~ Too funny!
Hilarious story! (And all of us moms are nodding solemnly in understanding.)
ReplyDeleteWebMD is a good resource, but sometimes too much information can freak you out! I've been lucky not to have that problem. So far. Hilarious as usual, Kel. Love your posts!!
ReplyDeletetalk about up close and personal.
ReplyDeleteHahaha! Now I've heard everything!
ReplyDeleteAnd yes, I too have suffered the hemorroids and the dr told me about the rubberband thingy procedure and I was all NO WAY! I'd rather suffer through it!!!
that was hysterical! and the fact that i am an RN made it even more hysterical.
ReplyDeleteAren't the pictures on those medical sites terrible? I always think I'm dying.
ReplyDeleteI have been with you on more than one occasion. I feel for you! Good luck.
ReplyDeleteAs a recovering HIMA (hemmie in my ass), I can totally relate. Poor thing. Have you ever had an anal fissure?! Thats like pooping out glass!!! Thats a whole other issue (hilarious as well).
ReplyDeletePS: Thanks for making me laugh =)
The internet is like crack for hypochondriacs. Not that I know from experience or anything.
ReplyDeletePassed out researching hemmies? I hope for your sake that you already know what a yeast infection is.
ReplyDeleteI tried not to laugh, but the way you told the story was too funny to hold it in, besides I don't my hemmoroids to come back.
ReplyDeleteI had this problem last year and was scared to frickin death, too. No way was I going to the doctor about it. I put a wig and a mask on so no one would recognize me (I live in a small town) and went to the drugstore to buy some preparation H. It actually worked!!!
Just kidding about the wig and mask, they would of recognized my fat butt anyway. But give the prep.H a try.
LOL. Hold on while I catch my breath from laughing. That was hilarious. Unfortunately, I too am a S.H.A.T. sufferer. Those darn kids... they have no idea just how much they owe mw. Hehehe.
ReplyDeleteI didn't have the nerve to go to a booty doctor so I asked the "Gyno that I know" to give me a scrip... the super cream... and Ahhhhhhh! Life is good again.
Yeah you need to NOT use the WebMD ever again!LOL!
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry, but I laughed a little about this.
ReplyDeleteSorry about your butt though. That sounds weird to say. Or type, in this case. But ouch.
I once looked up psorasis since I have it on my hands and a picture of a penis with psorasis popped up. It totally scarred me for life and I am no longer allowed to look up symptoms on the computer.
Aw I'm sorry about your hiney! That doesn't sound like fun at all. I totally know what you mean about looking up stuff on Web MD...I've banned myself from it. Every time I look up some mild symptom it always escalates to something awful and life-threatening. There are some things the internet should not be used for, and self-diagnosis is definitely one I think. Especially self-diagnosis in photos...
ReplyDeleteYou are my idol.
ReplyDelete:-)
I'm sorry but I laughed but that's because I have been there before and now I don't feel alone because I over reacted as well.
ReplyDeleteYou are one funny woman... who needs to stay away from internet health sites :) The post should have a perma-link on your blog so that everyone who happens by will be sure to find it.
ReplyDeleteI have whatever ailment I can find that matches my symptoms that day. Oh and ....er....that one too.
ReplyDeleteGet them taken care of.......
ReplyDeleteYou don't want to be walking around like someone just threw a handful of wet sand down the bottom of your bathing suit.
Ok, is it wrong that I'm laughing right now? I'm sorry!
ReplyDeleteYou poor thing! Hope your butt gets better! I am bad about looking things up on the internet and always think I have every symptom that is listed no matter what! My sister is graduating from medical school next month, so I am always asking her questions. The last time I self diagnosed and sent her an email about it, I got a one sentence reply. "Stay off the internet!"
ReplyDeleteGawd! Can you imagine someone walking in on your unconscious ass (pun intended) with a big ol' picture of someone's butt on the monitor?
ReplyDeleteThey might not get the right idea, if you know what I mean. So yeah, stay away from the medical internetz.
Seriously where do you come up with this stuff..you are one crazy girl! Definitely my kind of person! :) hahah
ReplyDelete~K
Hey Kel,
ReplyDeleteJust wanted to let you know I left a couple of awards for you on my blog. Congrats!
Roids are not a fun thing. Neither are shiny rectums. Oh, the image is killing me.
ReplyDeletelol, well, at least it wasn't me. ;)
ReplyDeleteSo totally true - scary stuff. It's funny, I just was driving around town yesterday and learned that sometimes surgery is required for this particular ailment, because I spotted (no joke) the Advanced Hemorrhoid Surgery Center. Yikes!
ReplyDeleteP.S. - I just tagged you in a blog meme over on my blog called My Favorite Things (because you're one of mine!) - http://typeamommyblog.blogspot.com/2009/04/my-favorite-things.html
Oh yea, where's the picture of that?
ReplyDeleteYou are so silly. Doesn't the OBGYN see your butt every year? And when you had a baby, they all saw your butt then too.
ReplyDeleteOkay, I really really tried not to laugh but I was convinced my eyes would pop out if I didnt let a little bit of a chuckle leak out. I'm sorry...I promise it will never happen again. I feel your pain. Well, not currently but I did after having my daughter. I resorted to putting ice in a ziploc baggie and sitting on it!! You are writing to us so I see you have recovered (as I suspected you would). No more straining, m'kay?
ReplyDeletefunny stuff! I have one and I've never had children. Hmmm... does not bode well for me.
ReplyDeleteBefore you get pregnant they should warn you, pregnancy = ass on fire. I don't remember that on the information packet!
ReplyDelete