QOTW If you could change the past.....

This week's" question of the week" is:

IF YOU COULD CHANGE ONE EVENT IN YOUR PAST, WHAT WOULD IT BE AND WHY?

Of course, there are a lot of small events in my life that have shaped me. Some good, some bad. But most of them, I would not change. Each moment changed my life in some way and got me to where I am today. However, there is one 3 minute event in my life that I would love to wipe clear of my memory forever. I don't feel that it changed me in any way that is good or beneficial. It hurt me more than I would like to admit.

The date was September 10, 1998. I was 21 years old. I was working as a bank teller. I loved my job. I was awesome at it. My girlfriend, another teller, and I were talking and laughing, singing with the radio. It was a quiet Thursday morning at the bank. Suddenly, two men burst through the door. It took me a second to even realize why they had ski masks. But once one jumped my counter and pointed his gun at me it was very clear.

"Where's the fuckin' money?" he screamed in my face. I couldn't stop staring up at the gun pointed at my forehead. His finger was on the trigger. He had it tipped sideways, I could see his finger on the other side.

I dumbly pointed to the drawer. He told me and the other teller to put our heads against the cabinets, while he emptied the tills. The other guy was robbing the customer service rep and the man she had been waiting on. There was alot of screaming going on. My friend and I just sat their, shaking in fear. I was terrified he would ask to get into the vault, because I was the head teller and had the key. I sat there, hunched over, and tried not to pass out. Suddenly, the guy in the service area saw that the alarm light was blinking.

"One of those bitches hit the alarm!" He sounded panicked. The man standing behind us starting waving the gun against the backs of our heads, pacing and cursing. I caught the eye of my friend. Her eyes were wide in fear.

"Did you hit that alarm, bitch?" he asked her. She just shook her head. She hadn't, either. He most likely tripped the alarm when he was grabbing the money. He turned towards me. Luckily, at that moment, the third guy who had been sitting in the car, stuck his head through the door and screamed "Let's go! Now." And then they were gone. The whole incident was 3 and a half minutes long. It seemed like hours.

I haven't been the same since. I have had panic attacks since I was child, mostly due to medical issues.(I have a blood phobia...) but I was never scared of things. I did not shy away from situations. Now, I am scared of everything. I get nervous in stores. I hate crowds. I have nightmares. The night terrors stared probably a month after the robbery. I would wake up with violent shaking and wouldn't be able to stop. I worry obsessively now, about everything and everyone. If this could happen to me, it could happen to anyone. And if it happened to me once, it could happen to me again. And next time it might be worse.

I guess the worst part of it all, was the fact that my world was rocked. I come from a small town. Things like that don't happen there. I had never experienced anything like that. Things like that happen on tv, or in big cities. And they certainly don't happen to me. I see the world a lot differently now, and the view isn't all that great.

So, I guess if I had to choose one moment, that would be the one. I can't see that anything good came out of it, only fear and pain. Sure, maybe it caused me to see the world as it really is, but I would really prefer to have my rose colored glasses back.