Random Post Redux...

Every Saturday, I will be having a new feature called, "Random Post Redux", and you are all welcome to join right in! Each Saturday, post a "previously used post" for us all to see.Link up with Mr. Linky at the bottom, so we can check out your blog! It can be anything you've posted in the past on your blog. Did you blog something hilarious back in January? How about your very first post ever?

Why do this? Well, it gives new readers a chance to learn more about you. (Oh yeah, and it's also a really easy way to get a post in when you've got nothing...not that this is my problem.. no way. I'm a wealth of creative ideas.)

So, here is mine... this was orginally posted on 2/19/2009 (with 62 comments and counting)...

So, for Funny Friday this week, I am going to tell you a little story that my girlfriends find freakin' hilarious. Which, of course, means that it involves me making a total ass of myself.

It all started with a cold. And you all know how dramatic I am when I am sick. I went to the doctor as a last resort, my throat was on fire. I had a throat infection. They gave me antibiotics and sent me home, saying "if you have any questions, just give us a call." (they know better now, thank you very much.)

The next morning, I wake up and my throat hurts so bad. I shine a flashlight in my mouth and see that the "little punching bag" thing is really swollen. Of course, I freak and call my best friend. I say, "I'm gonna call the doctor. What's that thing called anyway? I don't wanna say "punching bag"." She says she doesn't know. I then say, "Oh wait! I know! It's the VULVA! right?" And she says, "oh yeah.. I think you're right." We're both really, really smart.

This is the converstation I had with the nurse:

me: My vuvla is huge and bright red.

Nurse: um, sorry?

me: My vulva it's gigantic and it hurts.

Nurse: your Vulva?

Me: Yeah.. I can touch it with my tongue.. it's enormous. I don't know what's going on.

Nurse: Wait a minute (i think she might have put me on speaker) Your vuvla is huge and red and you can touch it with your tongue? I think you need to call your gynecologist.

Me: Why? is that a sign of something bad??? (I'm freaking out.. a sore throat means ovarian cancer or something?)

Nurse: Ok, hold on (laughing) are we talking about your genitals?

Me: (completely dumbfounded...) NO! (what a pervert) My throat!

Nurse : (cannot stop laughing..)oh! Your UVULA! I was begining to think you were some sort of contortionist!

The following is the definition of the word Vulva (I am sure most of you know it..)

*the external female genitalia, including the clitoris and the inner and outer labia surrounding the urethral and vaginal openings.*

Why The Internet Is Dangerous For Me...

OK, so I am going to tell you something embarrassing. I know, you're shocked. Me, embarrass myself? But this is so humiliating... really.. you have to promise not to laugh. I am talking pinkie promises here, people.

All right.. here goes. (gulp.) A few years ago, I was having an issue. A health issue. A really humiliating one. You moms out there know what I am talking about... OK, maybe you don't and I just have to say it. FINE... urgh... maybe if I say it really fast, it won't be so bad....ihadhemmorhoids.... nope. Still embarrassing.

So, of course, I panicked. I was fairly certain that I was going to die a slow and painful death, all because of my hiney. At my funeral, people would walk up to my family and ask why such a young woman was struck down in the prime of her life. And my family would have to say "Her butt... her butt just couldn't handle it. It just gave out. We were all so shocked, but she warned us. She told us this would happen." And then they would all cry and give their donations to the S.H.A.T. Organization.(Sore Hinies Are Terminal.)-Thanks V!

Anyway, because I was sure I was dealing with a life threatening health issue, I decided to search the Web for possible solutions. Those of you who know me, know this is not a good idea. I started with your basic Web MD stuff. Reading the symptoms, I realized that yes, indeed, I had them. Now, what are the cures? Um, there aren't any. What?? OK, I start to panic slightly. Surgery is sometimes required. What?? So I start to look up the possible surgeries. Not pretty stuff. There are rubber bands involved...

I looked at photos...eww. Very gory. I started to breathe a little heavier. Oh my god... I am going to have to go to the doctor for this. I am going to have to show them my butt!! My heart is beating faster. I start reading about "thrombosis"... I type in "lethal hemorrhoids" and " Death from Hemorrhoids". Oh my god.. the room is starting to spin. I stare at a picture of some one's sphincter and hold on the sides of my laptop and try to catch my breath. What if it never goes away? What if I have this for the rest of my life? What if they get so big you can see them when I wear a bathing suit? What if........

Blackness.... I open my eyes...I'm still sitting but I am slumped in my chair, my face is resting on the keyboard. I have no idea where I am. Then, I look at the screen and someone's pink and shiny rectum is starting back at me. Oh yeah. Yes, I have actually managed to pass out while researching hemorrhoids on the Internet. I slam the computer shut and make a solemn promise to eat more fiber and never search medical conditions again.