Question of the Weak - Time Travel

Well, hello there... I'm back with a Question of the Weak for you!! You can leave your answers in the comment section or use the question to spark your own blog post. Or you can be a big dork and not play along and we will all stare at you with looks of disappointment and hatred and slowly but swiftly shun you from the blog world. Your choice.

So, here is our question...(drum roll..) IF YOU COULD TIME TRAVEL AND VISIT ANY TIME PERIOD, WHERE WOULD YOU GO AND WHY?

This is a super easy question for me. Regency England. Just think, me, in a Jane Austen novel. I think of myself as quite a classy lady. I think I'd fit in quite well actually. (did you just laugh?) Can you picture it? Long flowing gowns, men in cute hats riding over hills on horseback, servants serving me tea while I do my embroidery. There would be balls and dances, music lessons, carriage rides to visit grand estates where handsomely grumpy bachelors would live with their beloved but shamed sisters. Best of all, Colin Firth swimming in a lake that I would stumble upon quite by accident while out strolling. Oh Mr. Darcy, you're all wet!! How improper! *this is the part where I would blush furiously, and try to hurry away.. but he would grab my arm and say , "wait! I've loved you! I've always loved you!"

Ok, hang on. I'm not really being true to the question here, am I? I said TIME PERIOD not fictional setting, (although really, Darcy? Could you be more delicious?).

Ok here we go, take two. Me. Regency England. Long flowing dresses, check. Corsets? hmmm. Long carriage rides through the country? That sounds good. Servants serving me tea while I embroider? I like the servants part, but I'll take a Iced Mocha instead of tea and though I do enjoy needlework... I think I'd get bored quickly. Maybe some trashy novels to read? I'm relatively sure they didn't have Gossip Girl back then. I'm not too talented when it comes to music, so maybe I could take dance lessons instead? Come to think of it, I'm not too great at that either. Karate then. I'll be the only girl in the village who can whoop some real ass. And you know, I don't think I'd be able to say "ass." Or kiss a boy before being engaged to be married (and even then, scandalous!) and well, I'm of the "try it before you buy it" persuasion, so that won't do. And didn't those pretty horses that pull the gorgeous carriages crap all over the streets? Then I'd have to walk through those streets in my gorgeous gown to get to my karate lessons? Hmmm.. I'm having second thoughts here. And now that I'm curious about it.. how often did they bathe back then? And chamber pots? EWWWWWW...

All right, the Regency time period.. not for me. I love the thought of it. The romance of it all, but was it really that romantic to live it? Probably not. Maybe I should set my time machine for a more recent time period? How about the 60's? Sex? Drugs? Rock and Roll? Yeah, that sounds about right. Now.. if I could just take Mr. Darcy with me. I think he'd look great in tie-dye, don't you?

The Obligatory New Year's Post...

It has to be done. The New Year's Resolution Post. I tried to ignore the pull of the Internet, tempting me to reveal all my first of the year goals to strangers across the globe.. but I failed. (plus, I haven't blogged in ages, and it's an easy topic.)

I have to say, I hate New Years Resolutions. I have nothing against setting goals.. but could you pick a worse time? Could there be a more horrendous moment to try and start dieting than the dead of winter? It's freakin' freezing out, I want macaroni and cheese! And yep, I'm gonna start a marathon training program at 5am on a 8 degree morning, instead of staying under the mounds of blankets and sleeping for another two hours? I think not, Baby New Year. I think not.

I do however have some plans for this year.. and most of them can be done within the confines of my warm and comfy home.. pj's and all. It's all about convenience.

My biggest goal for the year is to be happy. Can I be more vague? But I mean it as simply as it sounds. I want to be happy. I want to let go of the past, stop worrying so much about the future, and just be happy right now. I tend to dwell on the past... wondering "what if?". But the past is done, and the future is yet to be, so I might as well live in the moment.

One of the things that make me happy is being creative. I've lost that side of myself lately. It's time to find my "inner Martha" again. I love to make jewelery, scrapbook, sew, cook...etc. But I haven't made time for it. I'm itching to get crafty again. And as you can tell, I haven't exactly been a dedicated blogger lately either. I used to spend hours writing stories or blogging, and that part of me lies dormant at the moment. I plan on easing that big bear out of hibernation in the coming months.

I'm trying to find pleasure in the simple things again. I'm not keeping up with the Jones's and to be honest, I find them quite uptight and boring anyway. I want my daughter to learn to live within her means, and be content with what she has. I want us to enjoy more family nights at home, playing games and watching movies. I would like to cut our "entertainment budget" and spend more time doing more meaningful things. We can wait until movies come out on video. We can make dinner together instead of eating out all the time. We can go for a walk outside instead of through the mall with coffees and full shopping bags in hand. We have enough stuff. I'm sick of stuff. I want peace of mind.

And sure, I've got the whole "healthier eating" thing on my list of goals... but I am thinking more about "natural" products than "fat free". I've been looking at our cabinets lately and I'm shocked at how much junk we eat. I'd like to move to more organic cooking and snacking. I think I was in denial about how many preservatives and artificial foods we eat. I am guilty of Splenda overload in my coffee and I have a big time issue with Coke Zero Vanilla. It's a problem. I've been having some health issues lately, and I can't help but wonder if it's all this junk in our food causing it.

I guess if I had to label 2010 (pronounced twenty ten), I'd call it "2010 - The Year of Being Content". I want to stop worrying about what people think.. and just be happy and grateful. I will dress for me, not concerned with other's opinions. (yes, that is a Super Mario Bros shirt I am wearing... do you have an issue with that?). I will finally start renovations and begin decorating this house the way we want it. Our house is small, and I hate it. But it's time I let go of the fact that everyone else has a bigger house, and just be happy that we have a roof over our heads. I will decorate it in the quirky style that my husband and I both love. I will find joy in good deals at yard sales and flea markets again. I will not feel the need to buy brand names because of the label, but I will buy things because I love them. I will declutter and release unwanted items from this house. I HATE clutter. And we will continue to give to charity, because there are people out there who would love to have the "burden" of clutter.

So, in closing, I've got big plans for 2010. But I won't call them resolutions, because I won't put that pressure on myself. This year I will be... well, just plain happy.

ps. oh yeah, and I will stop using "quotation marks" so much...

A Letter to a Mechanical Hamster

Dear Zhu Zhu Pets,
Let me draw your attention to this little bit of news.

Zhu Zhu Pets Danger
What the hell were you thinking? How can you do this to me? Do you have any idea that carnage that will ensue in my house if there are no mechanical little rodents under our Christmas tree this year? Do you understand the fact that no other gift under that tree will satisfy my seven year old daughter this year?

Last week, I was breathing a sigh of relief. I had blanketed Ebay with bids on these little robot weasels. I was ecstatic when I finally won several bids, spending well over 120 bucks on this lab rat and his accessories...


Oh but wait, maybe lab rat isn't a good name for him, considering you didn't even properly test the damn things!! What the hell? Did you spend all your safety testing funds on advertising these little menaces during every single commercial break on every network? (really, I think CNN could have been spared the nuisance, don't you?) You made damn sure that you worked our kids into manic frenzy, ensuring them that all the "cool" kids would be finding your stupid hamsters under their tree Christmas morning. But you didn't make sure they were safe?

So tell me, you toy making geniuses, how am I supossed to explain this to my kid? Sorry hun, Santa didn't love you enough to give you that little rat you wanted so badly. Maybe if you could be just a tad bit better next year, you could be unwrapping a motorized cuddly cockroach, which is sure to be the next fad. Yeah, I know the kid down the street got this prized toy that you've been dying to have, but his parents must not have watched the news. You know those elves that lovingly make all the toys at Christmas? Yeah, those stupid bastards forgot to make sure that they weren't using toxic metals while creating them. Poor thing, wipe those tears off your cheeks and try and get over your heartache. Merry Christmas.

So, what do I do now with these expensive ass robotic pieces of crap? huh? Maybe next time you try and start a major toy craze you could make sure the toys are safe first? How about an asbestos stuffed bear next year? Hows about some glass baseball bats? Maybe some LSD crayons? Sounds like a marketing superstorm to me!

So, in closing I have one last thing to say.... ZHU ZHU SUCK!

The Drama Queen Diagnosis

I've got a little secret to share with ya'll. I'm a little dramatic. Actually, I'm a whole lotta dramatic if I'm being honest. I've always been the lone kid completely losing it when the school bus is late. You know that little girl you heard screaming bloody murder in the dentist's office? Yeah, that was me. And that woman that you stepped over when she passed out in line to give blood? Me, again.

My mom says I was born in pretty much a constant state of panic. As a child, everything freaked me out. I would hyperventilate ever time she trimmed my bangs. I can still remember sitting on a chair in the middle of kitchen, my heart beating a mile a minute, my stomach churning. "Careful, Mom!" I would scream. "Don't poke my eye out with those scissors!! Oh my god, my ear! Don't cut my ear off!" And somehow, my mother would manage not to seriously maim me or even give me a little nip out of frustration. Although, I am sure she was tempted.

I used to panic every afternoon in elementary school that I would somehow miss the bus. Around 2:30, I'd start to watch the clock. By 2:45 I was nervously tapping my foot. Five minutes later I would be trying to pack my desk supplies up. Ten minutes later, I would be sitting on the edge of my seat, counting the seconds. And by the time 3:10 rolled around and the bell rang, I would literally explode out of my seat. Waiting for my schoolmates to get in line would throw me into a frenzy. Why aren't they hurrying? THEY ARE GONNA MISS THE BUS! I had no idea what happened if you did miss the bus, but I didn't want to find out! The funny thing was, we lived literally a mile down the road. My mom could be there in minutes. I don't know why I worried about it so much. My mom swears it was because my dad went to work at 4pm and I was scared I wouldn't see him before he left. All I know is, missing the bus was my biggest fear. Screw aliens and monsters, I was not gonna spend five minutes alone with all those teachers.

Unfortunately, I never outgrew my sense of drama. There are some moments of my life that are funny to me now, but horrifyingly embarrassing when they happened. Let's see.. how about the time I passed out after viewing a plastic brain on a hospital field trip? Oh and there is always the moment when I puked in a paper bag, because I was so nervous, while on a date with Craig. Or the time the elevator got stuck in the building I worked in. The thing stopped between floors for literally 30 seconds. About five seconds into the ordeal, I was beating on the doors, screaming "We're gonna run out of air!!!". Did I mention my boss and his boss were in the elevator as well?

Surprisingly,during the big moments in my life I managed to remain cool. While working as a bank teller, we were robbed and I stayed relatively calm. I did not pass out, which seems to be my go-to move. I was scared, but the panic did not kick in until days after. During the birth of my daughter, I was cool and collected. I pushed for hours and it hurt like hell, but I was like a different person. I was okay with it. I did not really even feel nervous until they strapped me to the table for the c-section.

I was like a different person in those moments. I can't understand it. But if I am in line at the supermarket and they announce that they are closing in five minutes, I'm a wreck. If I am 2 days late paying the electric bill, I'm sure that every utilities truck that goes down the street is here to shut me off. If I have a slight fever, I am pretty much positive that its meningitis.

So, why am I like this? I was born that way, is the simple answer. It sucks. People tell me to just "stop worrying." Oh honey, if it were that easy don't you think I would have ended this issue a long time ago? Don't you think I would have loved to live a "normal" life, instead of constantly worrying about those I love? Do you think I enjoy the heart wrenching moments of sheer dread? If I could change anything in my life, anything at all, it would be to calm my worrisome mind.

I was finally diagnosed with a severe anxiety/panic disorder when I was 20. I hate saying that. It's embarrassing. There is such a stigma that comes along with it. So, I joke about it. I make light of it. I try to be open about it, but I feel judged sometimes. And I don't like that feeling. Those that have never experienced a true panic attack, don't get it. And I hope they never do. But I also hope that can learn to look at people like me with a little compassion.

When the doctors finally figured out what my whole deal was, and told me it was an anxiety disorder, I was a little shocked. I'm not nuts, I thought. I'm just a little nervous. But then I started to research it a little.. and oh my gosh. It was as if a weight was lifted off my shoulders. I was not the only one like this. The list of symptoms were so familiar. The patients personal stories were like reading my own diary. I had found a name for my problem. I had found other people out there like me. I wasn't as strange as I thought I was.

I started medication and I hated it. I still hate it. I've been on and off of it for ten+ years now. Sometimes it works well, other times it seems to wear off. So, I stop taking it. Then my symptoms get worse and it's just a whole downward spiral. I go back on it. I feel better. And the cycle continues.

One particularly bad cycle was after I had my daughter. I had gone off the medication while pregnant and after her birth, I went into a terrible state of post-partum depression. I have never, ever, felt like this in my life. I was beyond depressed. Life was dark. Here I was, the mother of this beautiful baby girl, and I didn't even want to go outside, take a shower or even just get my ass off the couch. I started to have weird memory lapses. I would get in the car to go somewhere and suddenly, I had no idea where I was going. I pulled over the side of road and cried for ten minutes because I didn't know what I was doing or how to get home. This was a road I had driven on everyday of my life for ten years. I would get in line at the grocery store and have to leave my entire cart sitting there because I was too anxious to stand in line. But the worst moment, was when I was driving over the bridge to my parents house and I actually pulled over and started to open the door. Without even thinking, I was gonna jump. I saw a cop car coming up the lane behind me and I panicked and drove off. I went to the doctor the next day. I had never experienced depression before, I'd always been on the other side of the spectrum, anxious and keyed-up. This dark new territory was terrifying. With the help of my doctor, I came out of it. I was definitley post partum depression, just like many people you hear about on tv, and think "what's wrong with that woman? Why can't she snap out of it?". I was humiliated and scared. But now I am open about it. Because if it can happen to me, someone who is hyper and giddy and just a ball of nerves, it can happen to anyone. Thank God I got help.

I don't even know why I am telling you all this. Some of you know my history. Some of you don't. Some of you will judge me now forever, and some of you will tell me your own stories of depression and anxiety. Some of you will think nothing of it, until you see someone in your own life struggling with issues like these. I hope you think of me and treat them with kindness.

I guess the big news I have is that I will be starting therapy next month. I'm excited. I'm eager to learn why and how this disorder works. I want some coping strategies. I want to learn to deal with this stuff in case my daughter shows signs of it. I want to begin to accept that this is just me. This is who I am. I don't show many people this side, only my husband and my best friends. But I am trying to share my stories in hopes that it will help me come to terms with my issues. I've got tons of them and they are just taking up too much space in my life. My ultimate goal is to be off of medication and maybe even become a counselor. But in the meantime, I'm taking it one day at a time and trying to acknowledge that this is me. Take it or leave it.

Our Last Magical Christmas?

So, I'm back. I could go into a long rambling post about what I've been doing and where I've been. Or I could just skip past all that and pretend it never happened. And well, I'm an avoider at heart, so I'm just gonna go with door number two, Monty. (yep, that was a Let's Make a Deal reference. I'm nothing if not contemporary.)

We are in the midst of preparing for quite possibly our last magical Christmas. Roslyn is in second grade now and there are rumors circulating amongst the 7 year old set that Santa does not exist. Crazy, right? Roslyn is teetering on the edge of still believing in the man in the red suit and about to fall into the abyss of heresy. (the parents?? how can they do all that in ONE night?). I am utterly heartbroken. At the moment, she is still trying to blindly accept that Santa delivers gifts to every child in the world in one wonderful 24 hour period. I can also see her waging her bets on the idea that it could quite possibly just be mom and dad. I have noticed quite a few chores being done without asking in the past week. She also asked me if she should make me a copy of her letter to Santa before she puts it in the mailbox. When I asked why, she said, "Oh, I don't know.. in case you wanna scrapbook it?".

The only thing we've got going for us right now, is that fact that Roslyn thinks we are dead broke. I've told her so many times that something is too expensive, that she just assumes we are on the cusp of poverty. Here is an example: she asked "Santa" for an ipod. When I asked what she wants from mom and dad, she said "Well, I know money is hard to get... so maybe a ball?" A BALL?? Really kid, I appreciate it, but we are not that hard up. Although, now that I think about it, maybe it's a good thing she thinks that way. If she knew we saved all year for Christmas, she may start making lists in February.

And before you all start lecturing me on the fact that the holiday is not about Santa, I know that. And I have definitely instilled the importance of giving into my sweet girl. We go shopping for Toys For Tots every year, we fill gift stockings and we give to the animal shelter. She knows that the holiday season is more than a fat man flying through the sky in a sled with a bag of gifts for brats across the globe. But, it is so fun when you child still believes, isn't it? I am going to miss the letters to Santa, the mall visits to sit on his lap and searching the night sky for Rudolph's red nose. Will it still feel like Christmas without decorating cookies for Christmas Eve and spreading little bits of carrot and apple across the front porch ?(those reindeer make a mess when they eat!). Is this the last year that I will get to tuck her in on the 24th and whisper that if she hears bells or hooves on the roof, to hurry up and fall asleep? Christmas will lose a little bit of it's magic, I'm afraid..

And now that I think about it, you know else will lose it's power? How am I going to "threaten to call Santa" when she's bad? I have a feeling that next year when I pretend to pull Santa's phone number out of my purse and dial frantically on my cell, she's gonna call my bluff. I think my Christmas just lost a little bit of it's magic, too.

Ps. Santa if you're really out there, could you throw a few Zhu Zhu pets under the tree??