Here's where I get complicated..

I am all kinds of pissed off tonight.. and really what better way to get back to blogging, than with a rant?

I don't even know who I am more mad at, me or my husband. Here's the story: Ros has been sick since last Wednesday. Longer than that actually. For a week before that she was sleeping like 4 hours a night due to her allergies and post nasal drip. So of course, who stays up with her? Me. Fine, I get that. I work from home, I set my own hours. He needs his sleep. Whatever.. But last time I checked, I do too. The doc put her on antibiotics last Wednesday. It was such a strong dosage.. she got sick. I mean, diarrhea sick.. it was awful. It was pouring out of the kid. We went through a twenty pack of underwear in a day. Every time she coughed she leaked. She crapped herself in her sleep. It was awful. So Friday night, I was up with her all night. Does husband get up? No. What does he do Saturday morning? Goes for a four hour bike ride. I let it go, it was his birthday. Saturday night she is puking her brains out and crapping her pants all night. Does he get up and help me? No. He swears he doesn't hear her..but really he has to. I am in and out of the bedroom getting underwear all night. (her dresser is in our room). She continues to be sick until yesterday when she spikes a fever and she goes to the ER. When we get home and the kid is freaking comatose on the couch with fever, shivering, what does he do? He spends the evening getting his bike ready for today's ride. Are you effing kidding me?? God dammit...

Now, here is the problem. I am sure you are all thinking right now.. "what a jerk. I would kill him." But its not that simple. Because he asked me if he should go. And what do I say? I say "whatever. It looks like you're getting ready to go anyway." and "I'm not gonna be the mean guy and say no." I never say "please stay. I need help". But I also don't say, "yeah, you should go." You know why? Because I want him to want to help. (I sound like Jennifer Anniston in The Break-up) But it's true. I want him to think, "Wow. Kel's had a rough time with all this lately. She looks exhausted. Maybe she's gettin' sick of cleaning puke and scrubbing poo out of underwear." I want him to love me enough to want to make it better for me. I want him to think that I am good mom and I am killing myself with worry and I need a break. I don't want to have to tell him to feel that way. I want him to just feel it. I want him to consider that maybe Roslyn would love for her dad to spontaneously grab a book off the shelf and read to her to give a me rest.

But again, I'm mad at myself because this is the way it's always been. I always keep my mouth shut about it, and seethe over things. He's not a mind reader. And maybe I seem like I don't need help.

Now I am gonna regret this post in the morning. Because my husband is not a jerk. He is a caring father and husband. I love him with all my heart. But right now, I am just feeling a little neglected. Right now, I am upset. Right now, I am beyond exhausted. And right now, I am really wishing that he could just read my mind and know that I don't always say what I mean. That sometimes I just want him to want to help, whether I let him or not. Which I probably wont, because I don't want him to be tired for work and I don't want him to get sick.

Hey, I never said I wasn't complicated.