Hey, Who Shrunk My Pants?

Ladies and Gentlemen,  I have embarked on a new adventure. I am on a diet.  Ok, maybe it's not exactly a brand new adventure, but it's one I have not seriously ventured on in quite awhile.  Sure, I may have started this journey a few times in the past, but I always run out of gas before I hit the first rest stop.  To be honest, I've stopped at the rest stop and they had a Cinnabon.. and well, that was the end of that.

Dieting sucks. I know, that's stating the obvious. But man... it really stinks. I don't know what I was expecting, but this is not fun.  Actually, I do know what I was expecting. I would go on a few walks, drink some extra water and the excess weight would just melt away. Well, you can imagine my shock when that damn scale of mine remained stubbornly at the same number. (and no, I am not telling you that number. I won't let you go blabbing it around to all your friends. I know how you are...) I thought it was gonna be easy. I imagined I would learn to prefer ice water to iced tea and dr pepper. I assumed I would start to crave salads. I expected that I would eventually get used to skim milk in decaf coffee. I thought I would learn to love bean sprouts and lima beans, and yet, they remain my arch enemies.  Dieting sucks.

So, why the torture? Why not just learn to love my growing waistline and big butt?  I just can't. Don't get me wrong, I've heard how guys like "junk in the trunk" (they totally still say that, right??).  My husband loves me regardless, I have no doubt of that. The biggest reason I'm doing this, is fear. That's right, I'm scared. Really scared.

I don't know if was the big 33 that got me thinking, but something has caused this overwhelming anxiety in me lately.  I feel old. I don't like it.  I don't like facing the facts of my mortality. (who does, right? duh.)  Recently, I've come to realize that I'm aging. I am not taking care of myself.  And deep down, I know that if I don't change things, I'm headed for disaster.

For years I was  completely oblivious to my health, but somehow I was healthy.  I ate what I wanted, but I didn't overeat.  I exercised because I liked it.  I don't really know when that unawareness morphed into an obsession.  Now, I worry about everything I eat, but I eat it anyway. Then I feel guilty and eat again.  I think all day about what I will cook for dinner.  I plan on exercising. I schedule it.  Then, when the time comes, I am miraculously too busy.  I have become hyper aware of every mistake I am making, and yet, I still make them.

So, I'm trying something a little different this time. I am not focusing on my weight. Yea, I know.. what the hell kinda diet am I talking about? When I have dieted in the past, I focused way too much on that mystical number on the scale (you know the one, the one you will never know.).  If it doesn't change in a day, I'm completely disappointed, and disappointment with this girl leads to one thing, eating.  So this time around, I am focusing on a few different sets of numbers.  My blood pressure/ heart rate and my pants size. My blood pressure has been high lately, which scares the hell out of me.  And my heart rate has always been high because of heredity stuff and my anxiety.  If I can get those two numbers down I will be elated. If my waist size dwindles along with it, well... I'll be ecstatic.

My goal this week is water. I don't drink any. Seriously.  I drink iced tea all day. Granted, it's with splenda,  but it full caffeine. And I've heard Splenda isn't all that great either.  And coffee.... oh my delicious Pumpkin Spice Lattes... I will limit you, my dears, to one or two a week.  And even then, you will be decaf-ed and splenda-fied.  Oh, if you only knew how much I will miss you in all of your high fat, frothy, delicious glory.

But it's gonna be worth it, right? I'm gonna be healthier. I'm gonna be around to see my daughter grow up and get married and have kids. Hubby and I are gonna spend retirement cruising around in our camper and going on vacation with our friends.

I'm trying to keep my eye on the prize... no, not the vacations and stuff... I've got my eye on some sweet skinny jeans at Express.  Maybe I should start saving for a shopping spree now, because it's gonna happen. I will be healthy (and lookin' super fab in some new outfits.)