A Quick Update...

Holy Cow, people.
It's actually happening
.
I AM LOSING WEIGHT.

I know, I can't believe it either. I've lost 8 pounds.  And I didn't have to throw up once.  I didn't even have the flu.  I didn't have any unimportant organs removed from my body. I even somehow avoided having to wire my mouth shut. I simply ate less and better.  I started to excersize again.

Best of all, I didn't complain once.

Ha.. got ya there didn't I?  Ok fine, I have been whining like a two year old kid in Toys R Us.  In fact, I think the constant griping has probably had a significant effect on my weight loss.. all this constant yammering has to burn a few calories, right?  All I know is, I'm losing. And I like it.

I am actually not over concerned with the actual "poundage". (shut up, that's totally a word..).  I started this journey with my blood pressure and overall health in mind. I am very happy to report that my blood pressure has gone down about 20 points! seriously!! I am talking about top and bottom numbers! It was extremely difficult giving up caffeine, but as soon as I did, my blood pressure adjusted itself to a healthy number. I also cut out as much salt as possible. I had no idea how sensitive I was to caffeine and sodium! I feel like a different person. My anxiety has taken a serious nose dive.  I'm drinking tons of water and peeing like crazy, but it's worth it. I feel better than I have in years.

So, I know what you're thinking. "Is Kel gonna become some Health Nazi? Is she gonna constantly lecture us all on healthy eating? Will she look down her nose at us when we eat Twinkies by the dozen?" 

Um, no. Because this is still crazy hard. I've got a long path ahead of me. I still love junk. Just the thought of those Twinkies made me drool a little (a lot). I'm failing most of the time. I cheat. But I'm determined.  I'm just trying to make some small changes and hoping for massive results. That's not too unrealistic, is it?

Hey, Who Shrunk My Pants?

Ladies and Gentlemen,  I have embarked on a new adventure. I am on a diet.  Ok, maybe it's not exactly a brand new adventure, but it's one I have not seriously ventured on in quite awhile.  Sure, I may have started this journey a few times in the past, but I always run out of gas before I hit the first rest stop.  To be honest, I've stopped at the rest stop and they had a Cinnabon.. and well, that was the end of that.

Dieting sucks. I know, that's stating the obvious. But man... it really stinks. I don't know what I was expecting, but this is not fun.  Actually, I do know what I was expecting. I would go on a few walks, drink some extra water and the excess weight would just melt away. Well, you can imagine my shock when that damn scale of mine remained stubbornly at the same number. (and no, I am not telling you that number. I won't let you go blabbing it around to all your friends. I know how you are...) I thought it was gonna be easy. I imagined I would learn to prefer ice water to iced tea and dr pepper. I assumed I would start to crave salads. I expected that I would eventually get used to skim milk in decaf coffee. I thought I would learn to love bean sprouts and lima beans, and yet, they remain my arch enemies.  Dieting sucks.

So, why the torture? Why not just learn to love my growing waistline and big butt?  I just can't. Don't get me wrong, I've heard how guys like "junk in the trunk" (they totally still say that, right??).  My husband loves me regardless, I have no doubt of that. The biggest reason I'm doing this, is fear. That's right, I'm scared. Really scared.

I don't know if was the big 33 that got me thinking, but something has caused this overwhelming anxiety in me lately.  I feel old. I don't like it.  I don't like facing the facts of my mortality. (who does, right? duh.)  Recently, I've come to realize that I'm aging. I am not taking care of myself.  And deep down, I know that if I don't change things, I'm headed for disaster.

For years I was  completely oblivious to my health, but somehow I was healthy.  I ate what I wanted, but I didn't overeat.  I exercised because I liked it.  I don't really know when that unawareness morphed into an obsession.  Now, I worry about everything I eat, but I eat it anyway. Then I feel guilty and eat again.  I think all day about what I will cook for dinner.  I plan on exercising. I schedule it.  Then, when the time comes, I am miraculously too busy.  I have become hyper aware of every mistake I am making, and yet, I still make them.

So, I'm trying something a little different this time. I am not focusing on my weight. Yea, I know.. what the hell kinda diet am I talking about? When I have dieted in the past, I focused way too much on that mystical number on the scale (you know the one, the one you will never know.).  If it doesn't change in a day, I'm completely disappointed, and disappointment with this girl leads to one thing, eating.  So this time around, I am focusing on a few different sets of numbers.  My blood pressure/ heart rate and my pants size. My blood pressure has been high lately, which scares the hell out of me.  And my heart rate has always been high because of heredity stuff and my anxiety.  If I can get those two numbers down I will be elated. If my waist size dwindles along with it, well... I'll be ecstatic.

My goal this week is water. I don't drink any. Seriously.  I drink iced tea all day. Granted, it's with splenda,  but it full caffeine. And I've heard Splenda isn't all that great either.  And coffee.... oh my delicious Pumpkin Spice Lattes... I will limit you, my dears, to one or two a week.  And even then, you will be decaf-ed and splenda-fied.  Oh, if you only knew how much I will miss you in all of your high fat, frothy, delicious glory.

But it's gonna be worth it, right? I'm gonna be healthier. I'm gonna be around to see my daughter grow up and get married and have kids. Hubby and I are gonna spend retirement cruising around in our camper and going on vacation with our friends.

I'm trying to keep my eye on the prize... no, not the vacations and stuff... I've got my eye on some sweet skinny jeans at Express.  Maybe I should start saving for a shopping spree now, because it's gonna happen. I will be healthy (and lookin' super fab in some new outfits.)

Weight Watchers Can Suck It!

Ok, so it's official. I freakin' hate Weight Watchers. The whole constantly logging in to input points is aggravating. And trying to calculate the points is annoying. Wouldn't it be easier to just count calories? I don't know. I am seriosly peeved with it.

I am thinking of the whole "low carb" thing. Anyone tried it? Before I had my daughter I lost about 30 pounds doing that. Then I got pregnant, and all I could keep in my stomach was potatoes, so that went out the window. I did the carbohydrate addicts diet which allowed one meal with carbs, even dessert. Weird, but it worked.

Anyway, I am not quiting Weight Watchers yet, but I am researching other venues.Any suggestions? I can hear you now "hey kel? how about this crazy idea? eat less and exersize? "
That might not be such a bad idea...smart ass.

This is gonna be tough for me...

oh boy.. I did something dumb today. I signed up for weight watchers. Crap. Now, I gotta commit. Because that crap is expensive..and I don't like to waste money. I've got lose weight, I'm just gross right now. 30 pounds would be mindblowing. Another 10 would totally rock the house. I want to say more than that.. but it's not smart for me to do that.


You see, here is my problem though. I don't love being a tub-a-lard.. but I am kind of scared to lose weight. I used to be way underweight. The counselors in school used to "chat" with me about my "eating disorder" alot. My parents were called, I'd tell my mom I was eating and I was fine. Then, I would pass out in class again, and it would start all over. I would go all day without eating. Then in the evening I would go out with my boyfriend and then, when he dropped me off at night, I would hit the bathroom and puke it all up.I don't think he had any clue.. we were together for 3 years and he never questioned why I went to the bathroom as soon as we were done eating. I am about 5'10 and there was a point where I was about 100 pounds. I liked that number, for some reason. I never really told anyone about it. I didn't really think I had an eating disorder, but I guess I did. I know I did, actually. By the time I met Craig, my hubby, I was about 115 or so and I hated it. But he made me feel great. He made me happy and I stopped purging. We went to dinner and movies and parties and I was too distracted to care. I didn't binge at night anymore and get sick for an hour. We got fat together, Hubby and I. Fat and Happy. Now, I'm fat and not so happy. Kinda miserable, actually.

So, I am trying weightwatchers online and I am a little nervous. I am couting points, and I get 35 per day. plus 30 or so extra for splurges. Well, guess how many points I used today? freaking 44... dammit. Hubby wanted to go to breakfast, and then we got coffees at starbucks and then there were some cupcakes left from the Halloween party... blah, blah, blah. And now, I am tempted to do something about those extra points I ate.I haven't made myself sick in years and it's gross. But I'm tempted. I hate myself for even thinking it. But it's in the back of my mind. I am fine when I don't think about food, just eat it. Don't look at calories and don't get on the scale. But when I have to think about it, I get obssessed. That's probably the whole reason I let myself get this way.. It's better to not think about it.

So, here I go. This is gonna be an adventure, to say the least. But I think if I am honest with myself and the people around me, I will be ok. I've got to try.