The House That Slobs Built

I hate our house.  I mean, I really hate it.  If it were a person, I would punch it in the face.  If I saw this house walking down the street and it waved at me, I would purposely ignore it and then, when it passed by me,  I would whisper loudly to my friend “Ewwwww!! Can you believe she just tried to talk to us? Did you see the siding she was wearing? What a skank!”.  I would make it’s life miserable. If I were the head cheerleader and this house was president of the student council, I would shove her into lockers and tell everyone she still wears training bras. I would publicly shun her and give her horrible self esteem.  I hate this house.

So, I know what you’re thinking. Kel, how can you be so cruel? This nastiness is not like you!  What did that poor little house ever do to you?  Oh, dear readers, you have no idea.  This house is a bitch. She is a mean little witch.  She presses my buttons every chance she can get.  She enjoys making my life miserable. She may look innocent enough, but she’s evil to core, people.  Evil, I tell you.

This house has been a total jerk since the day we moved in.  Granted, we weren’t exactly the most excited pair of new homeowners.  We were kind of miserable actually.  We were not carrying each other over the threshold (Craig said something about it being embarrassing if I dropped him again or something.. whatever.).  We were not boasting to our friends about our new home. We did not have a housewarming party.  We pretty much just threw our few scant belonging in the living room, looked at each other and said, “Meh.. it’ll do for now, I guess.”

We were not in a great position to buy a home. Hubby had just started a brand new career with great potential for growth but quite a minuscule starting salary. He was working a part time second job to help us scrape by.  I, on the other hand, was home with a three year old who never slept and was in the midst of the temper tantrum phase (I liked to call it World War Three Year Old).  On top of that nonsense, I was also working at home 30 hours a week and cleaning houses about 20 hours a week.  We had moved in with my parents 6 months prior in order to save for a new home, and well...I love my parents, but things were not exactly copacetic.  The stress was about to kill us all. We had no money and we had no place to live.  

Enter in the housing boom of 2005. We called a mortgage broke to find out how much money we would need to buy a home. We wanted to start preparing. We did not expect the peppy, twenty year old girl on the other end of the phone to say, “Why, you guys can buy a house right now, silly!”.  Huh? What  was she smoking? WE WERE BROKE!  And they want to give us a house?  Craig and I looked and each other, grinning, and said, “Stupid bastards.”

There were only two houses in my hometown that were in our price range at that moment. Yep, that should tell you something right there.  There were not the beautiful new model homes that had sprung  up on the outskirts of town. Nor were they the handsome 5 bedroom split levels in the great school district. Hell, they weren’t even the cute little 3 bedroom cottages by the river.  They were both two bedroom houses that needed a crapload of work.  We picked the one that was not currently being rented by a bunch of drifters with 8 kids and 3 dogs.  We chose the one that was not in the running for a upcoming spot on Hoarders.

Settlement was a disaster. Of course, this a-hole of a house decided that it needed tons of stuff done to pass inspection. So, what do we smart and savvy home buyers do? We skip the inspection of course! Duh.  That was super smart.

We moved in without a cent in our pockets, let alone our bank account. We didn’t even have beds. Seriously. We slept on air mattresses. We had just enough money to buy a beat up, scratch-n-dent refrigerator. We didn’t have any food to put in it.  

But, we had a house. So, yay!! Right?  Nope. We were depressed. This was not our dream house. This house was, and still is, a nightmare. It needs so much work, it’s overwhelming. And we have not had the money or the expertise to fix anything.  Craig does not know how to do any carpentry and besides, we don’t have the cash to pay for it. This house is in shambles. It’s embarrassing and it sucks.

We need carpeting. We can’t afford it. We would actually prefer hardwood, so imagine our excitement when we pulled up the corner of the carpets and found pretty hardwood!  Then, imagine our disgust and disappointment when we pulled back a little farther and found that the other part of the floor was plywood. We quickly tucked the carpet back down and tried to forget about it until the money fairies come and leave a deposit under our pillows. (Still waiting..)

The basement is musty and it floods. The kitchen needs new flooring. The stove is old and barely works. The cabinets are falling apart. The heater is a temperamental jerk-off that only works when it feels like making the effort. The central air is filthy slut that strains our electric bill and costs us hundreds a month in the summer.  The windows all need to be relpaced. The back deck is decaying at an alarming rate and the driveway needs to be paved.  There is no landscaping and a humongous tree in the backyard looms over the back porch menacingly during every windy storm.

So, you’d think this jackass of a house would eventually give us a break, right? Nope, I told you, she’s a total asshole. Now, it’s the roof.  We have a leak. Or we thought we had a leak. Turns out we need a new roof. I mean, I’m not shocked or anything. We knew we were gonna need a roof soon.  Just not this soon. We were planning on waiting until we refinanced or got some extra money somehow. Well, those freakin’ money fairies must have relocated to the overpriced McMansions on the other side of town, because I haven’t seen those flying morons in years.

We, simply put, don’t have the money to fix it. We are trying to rig it until we can afford to get an entire new roof. I don’t see that happening until at least the spring.  At least.  And even then, it will be crazy tight.  And neither one of us want to put any money into this crapshoot, hell hole of a house.  This is not the house we wanted. This not were we wanted to be.

And before you say it, yes, I know... we are lucky just to have a roof over our heads. But it’s leaking on our heads right now and it’s slowly disintegrating before our eyes. 

 Yes, I’m happy we have a place to live, but I still want to give this house a swift roundhouse kick right in the back porch. And I totally would, if I wasn't so sure it would completely collapse.

The Tuesday Ramblings Of A Psycho Bitch...

Oh Lordy Begordy, people. I am in a seriously bitchy mood. I mean it. I'm talking a "don't - make- eye- contact- with- me- or- I - will- cut- you" mood. I'm not sure exactly what my deal is today, just that I have one. A big deal of a bad mood... and it ain't getting better... yet. I just may go out and buy some wine and hide in the bathtub. But I'm broke and the bathtub needs a good scrub, so screw that.

Actually, scratch that. I do know what my deal is. We're broke. Again. Nothing new there, right? Right. I've been dealing with it for years now, so what's the biggie? Well, since you asked, the biggie is the fact that I am sick with dealing with it alone! My husband (who I love dearly. I do.) does not handle our finances. He avoids them like the plague. Actually, I think he would rather have the plague than try and figure out how to pay the mortgage, cable, electric and taxes with one paycheck. He has no interest in it. I am the one left pulling the magic rabbit out of the hat every week with our money. It was tough before, but now he's lost all overtime at work, and it's gotten even worse. The magic rabbit has left the building. I can't do it anymore. I want help. I;ve begged before and he says he'll help, but it doesn't happen. I know why though... because I'll do it anyway. He doesn't have to worry because I will pick up the paycheck, wave my magic wand and somehow things get paid. What he doesn't see is me haggling with the creditors and begging the electric company to give us one more month. He knows I deal with it, so he doesn't have to. Well, that's gonna change people! Little Craigie-Poo is gonna get himself his own magic wand and top hat and do some magic of his own. I'm done dealing with it. I've done my ten years sentence, he can take over now.

I'm also a major beyotch because I'm bored. Yep, you heard me... bored. Yeah, I'm busy. But I'm bored. Mind numbingly bored. I am so bored that I can't even come up with a synonym for "bored". I sit home and work by myself all day. I clean the house and I do the laundry and make the dinner and then it all starts over again in the morning. I haven't been blogging. Maybe I need to make more time for myself?? I don't know.

I've got tons of book reviews to get to. I'm not sure why I've slacked off. I think I'm depressed. Ok, that's a lie... I know I am. That's the first step, right? Admitting it? Well, there. I admitted it. I don't feel any better yet. I know that I have to push myself... but right now, pushing just seems too hard... can someone give me a little shove?

This entire blog post makes no sense.. so I've decided it fits for a "Tuesday rambling" over at the unmom. com . Check out the link at the top of the page and check out some other bloggers' rambling posts.. maybe they are in a better mood!

So where've I Been??

Well, I've been here all along. Just hiding. I've been going through some stuff. Hubby and I have been fighting. We're ok now. I am trying to get my groove back.

Like I've said before, I've just been struggling with life in general. Trying to find my way and all that. Thank you all so much for all the words of encouragement! They worked! I'm back, bitches. (or at least, I am sticking my head in the window and waving!)

I don't have much to fill you in with right now. I truly haven't been up to much. Reading, as usual. Trying really hard to become a happy housewife. Trying to exercise regularly (and failing). I am also at war with those tiny little black ants that keep invading my kitchen and bathroom... where the hell do they come from???

Anyway, I don't have much to say... other than, I owe a visit to all of your blogs!! I'm a bad bloggy buddy!

Took a week off...

So, I don't know who noticed, but I took a week off of blogging. I've been in a funk. I had some thinking to do. Nothing huge, but some small changes I am trying to make in my life. To put it bluntly, I'm bored. Oh, so very bored. So I am volunteering at the local library and my daughter's school and looking into possibly going back to school in the next few months. I have a tendency towards depression, so it is not a good thing for me to not have a purpose during the day. I ran out of work to do for my job, so I'm not working from home anymore. I am not the stay at home all day type. I can't do it. So I am in search of a new life... what that means, I have no idea. But I'll let ya know when I find out.

Old Me VS. Current Me

So, last night, as I lay in bed, coughing my lungs out and my life was flashing before my eyes, (yes, I am still very dramatically sick with the sniffles.) I realized that it will be 14 years since I graduated High School (Holy Sh*t). At first I thought, "ah, I haven't changed that much.." and then it hit me. I am a totally different person now. Compleltey. My old self would totally hate my current self. Take the following examples:

THE OLD ME:
I never, and I mean, ever, left the house without full makeup. Ever. I spent a half hour at least doing my makeup, and then left with a purse full of products for touch up.

THE CURRENT ME:
I am lucky if I even get to wash my face, let alone put makeup on it. And if I do, I forget to use eye makeup remover and look like a raccoon (or slutty girl after the "walk of shame") for two days. My purse is no longer full of makeup, but Happy Meal toys and spit out bubblegum in tissues(thank you, Roslyn). There may be a chapstick somewhere....

THE OLD ME:
Took two showers a day... at least. One before school. One afterschool. Sometimes a bath at night. My hair was clean and shiny and bouncy.

THE CURRENT ME:
If I am lucky, one bath a day, where I try and hide and read a book. I forget to wash my hair. And if I do, it's with Shrek shampoo. And I wash with Dora the Explorer soap paint.

THE OLD ME:
I could stop a guy dead in his tracks with one look.

THE CURRENT ME:
I could literally kill a guy dead with one look at me.

THE OLD ME:
I listened to cool music, watched cool movies, and went to concerts.

THE CURRENT ME:
I sing along to Drake and Josh, get excited when there are new Spongebob episodes, and the last concert I went to was Sesame Street Live.

THE OLD ME:
I wore super cute outfits.

THE CURRENT ME:
I wear super not-cute outfits. Unless, of course, track pants and fleeces make a major statement on the runway this year.

THE OLD ME:
I would walk into a room and the boys would give me appreciative glances.

THE CURRENT ME:
I walk into a room and I still get appreciative glances from the boys but they are six years old, it's usually because I am carrying a tray of snacks.

THE OLD ME:
I had a smokin' hot bod.

THE CURRENT ME:
I've got more of a lukewarm blob.

THE OLD ME:
Was devastated if I had to stay home on a Friday night.

THE CURRENT ME:
is devastated if I have to go out on a Friday night.

THE OLD ME:
I could eat whatever I wanted.

THE CURRENT ME:
I still can, but I just have to do it in bigger pants.

So, I'm a little sad at the loss of old me. I miss old me. I want to get to know her again. Maybe she's on myspace?

Note to Self : It's not the Black Plague.

I have another cold, and once again, my dramatic side has kicked in. The following is a note to myself, reminding me to keep my cool.

1. It is not the Plague. It is a cold. You have the sniffles, a little cough. There are no festering boils or loss of limbs.

2. Do not, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES, go to Webmd.com to check your symptoms. You do not have HIV. You do not have nasal cancer.If you can't help it and find yourself on the site,take the first response they give you, a common cold. Leave the site immediately before you start researching that small lump on you big toe.

3. Yes, it is humanly possible for a person to produce this much snot. You do not have a overactive mucus disorder.

4. Although it may make you feel better, moaning at the top of your lungs, does not help.

5. Repeatedtly saying, "How come nobody takes care of me when I'm sick? I take care of all of you!!", does not make people want to help you.

6. You can breathe.. out of your mouth.. if you would stop moaning non-stop you would realize that.

7. 98.9 is not a fever and does not require panic. You just drank coffee, dumb ass.

8. Stop eating everything in site. You can't taste it anyway.

9. If you are going to lie around and moan, do it in the bedroom. The couch in the living room is not your private sick bed. You can not yell at people to "shut up, can't you see I'm sick here? Let me die in peace!" The living room is common ground and people are allowed in there.

10.You will live. There is no reason to "get your affairs" in order.

A Potpourri Post............

I've got a few thoughts brewing around in this head of mine and it's making a big stink.. so here goes.

My mom came home yesterday!! woo hoo! Thank you all for you kind words, thoughts and prayers. She is still really weak and out of breath, but at least she is at home. I'm going over today to clean her house and cook dinner for her and dad. She is arguing about it.. but she'll get over it.

For some stupid reason, I agreed to take my old job back. I know, I know.. all I ever did was bitch about it, but I'm back to it. We need the money. I'll be back to about 35 hours a week. It's all from home for now, eventually I may be back in the office, but not now. I am upset about it, because I really wanted this to be my time. I wanted to take some classes, read, volunteer at the library and just learn to be a housewife and stay at home mom. When I work at home, the housework suffers... big time. But, now that I have bitched, I will not bitch again.(at least about this subject) I need to count my blessing that I have a job, one that I can do at home while my daughter is in school, and a very sweet boss who was more than happy to take me back.

I am starting Flylady.net tomorrow. I have decided to do it. Their quick routines should help me get the house in some type of order and still be able to get my work done.

I am starting a new walking workout tomorrow. My goals are basically just to walk everyday during the week. That's my first goal. Once I do that for awhile, I will start adding more miles and stuff. I need exercise!

So, that's it for now.. I don't think this blog could get anymore boring lately!!

Quick Christmas Recap...

Ah.. Christmas...what can I say? It was magical, mystical, enchanting and ....boring. I love, love, love the holidays and usually get very into baking, making crafts, finding the perfect gifts and wrapping. But not this year. Not really sure why, maybe it's money or maybe I am just tired. Who knows?

What I do know is that we spent the past week in bed. And not in the good way. You know about Roslyn's hospital visit, and Tuesday we found out she had a double ear infection. I came down with a raging cough and ear infection the next day. So instead of popping Christmas cookies and candy canes, we've been downing antibiotics and Imodium!

On Christmas eve, she woke at 1:30am..no, I am not kidding. She had a coughing fit and couldn't go back to sleep. Finally at 4:30 we gave up and let her open her gifts. She was very happy with her haul. She got a huge stuffed Yoshi(from Mario brothers), pink webkinz dragon, a Leapster Didj and games, books, lots of crafts, a locket with interchangeable gems, games like checkers and connect four, a bedding set.. lots of stuff. Her only disappointment was the fact that she didn't get the Beanie Baby hummingbird she asked Santa for. (however, a few hours later, she realized that was because Nana and Pop got it for her, making her Christmas complete.)

Craig actually got his new road bike (bicycle) last week for Christmas and since it was over a grand, I couldn't get him much else. So he got a mountain bike calendar for work, a bike medallion necklace, and a movie from his childhood (Explorers, remember that movie?)

I was very happily surprised that I got an Ipod Touch!! Lord, how did I live without this thing before? I can check email, watch videos, load all my music, listen to audio books. It has a planner, Internet, radio.. oh my! I love, love , love it! Does anyone have one?? aren't they amazing? I know, I am so old school... I can't believe I was an ipod virgin!

Anyway, that's about it... we seem to be getting healthy again, and Hubs has the week off so things should be looking up!!

And don't forget to check out the song of the day on the sidebar!

Ahhh!! I'm Overwhelmed!

I am completly behind on reading and responding to all my favorite blogs. We have been battling illness after illness around here, (finally winning, I think) and Hubby is on vacation for a week. I've got to catch up, but it's gonna take some time! Bear with me, folks, and we will be back to original programming shortly!

Son of A................

First of all.. thank you all so much for your concern over Roslyn. She seems to be improving alot. I took her to the doc yesterday for a follow up visit and she has a double ear infection! The doc put her on Augmenten and already she is perking up! But guess who isn't? Yes, mothers across the world know what happens when you spend 5 nights in a row, worrying over your child, catching vomit in you hands, wiping snotty noses and pleading with your child to take yucky medicine. How are you rewarded for your hard work?? Say it with me, Mommies...."YOU GET SICK!" (as a damn dog to be precise)

Ah, good times. Anyhoo.. I'm sure I'll live. I'm just glad my little lady is feeling better for Santa. That's all I wanted to get for Christmas anyway.... well, that and an ipod.

Anyway, thank you to all my wonderful bloggy friends! I am so happy to have gotten to know you all in these past few months! Hope you all have a great holiday season!

Time to Get Down To Business..

Crap. I have to get going on this whole "full time homemaker" role. I am so not into it. I know I should be. I used to dream about being a stay at home mom. For those of you who are new, I quit my full time work at home job a few weeks ago. So, for six years, I have had the excuse of "I worked all day! I don't have to bake and cook and clean." Now, I am doing an ebay business with my mom, and that's it. I have got to get this house in order.

The house is not disgusting.. it's just blah. We have never decorated. (white walls.. blinds not curtains... etc.) I mean, we can have people over but lets just hope that they don't look to hard at the moldings or the ceiling fans because they're dusty! And the kitchen floor, God help me. We've got two dogs who constantly come in and out of the doggie door with muddy feet.

As for cooking, I used to love it. But now...eh. I need to get into healthier cooking. Maybe I will invest in some new equipment and healthy cookbooks.

I need to make homemaking my job. I need to set goals for home. I gotta get off my ass. I'm busy during the day.. but there is so much more I could get done.
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I am thinking of doing flylady. Does anyone here do it? I am the type of person who needs to set goals and work towards them or I get bored. Does anyone stay home with school age kids? Do you have a routine that you do everyday when they are at school?

My head hurts!

Ouch! I have been having headaches on the left, back side of my head, where my head meets my neck. When I turn my head to the left, it hurts worse. Anyone ever had anything like that? It really hurts! Sound like muscle strain? maybe I slept weird? I don't know. I went and got a new pillow yesterday and it felt a little better this morning, but progresssivly got worse all day.

Those of you who know me, know that I have a serious medical phobia(another post in itself), so I won't be headed to the doc just yet! I'll give a while and see if its muscle strain or hormonal.

Are you kidding me???

How is it possible that I am sick again?? Another cold.. the third in three months. Well to be technical about it, one bout of pneumonia and two colds in three months. Seriously, if someone sneezes in a ten mile radius, I get sick. Anyone have any tips of building up your immune system? I have been taking some expensive GNC Women's vitamins.. but they don't seem to be doing much. Should I be eating oranges? Taking herbal supplements?Do you have a secret weapon that helps you avoid colds??

Whatever Happened to Good 'Ol Anarchy and Angst?

I just heard a Vampire Weekend song on PBS kids. I don't know why, but that made me all kinds of angry. What ever happened to "f the establishment?" and not selling out? What's next, hmm? Korn on a Green Giant Commercial? White Stripes for Sherman Williams? Is Metallica gonna make a song for Nick Jr? Yeah, I know.. Vampire weekend is not heavy rock..but still. It's the principle here people! Rock musicians used to be hard core, man! Do you think Kurt Cobain would endorse Noggin? I think not, sir, I think not!

I know what you're thinking... what was I doing watching PBS Kids at 1:30 in the afternoon when my daughter is in school all day? well, um... that's just how I roll.

Another Twilight Post...

Currently reading Eclipse and got so mad last night, I threw the book.

I have just a few questions for you Bella...(don't worry, no spoilers)

1. Why are you such a raging idiot??

2. Are you ever happy?

3. What happens when you get your period?


thanks, that will be all.

Blah, blah, blah

This is my morning coffee today...



I actually went out to the store this morning and bought whipped cream. I don't know, I had a weird craving. I've got delicious dark roast coffee mixed with that super yummy coconut creamer that CoffeMate makes. And please, don't forget the awesome huge Halloween straw which keeps me from getting whipped cream nose. You don't waste nummy-ness like that.

So, whats on the agenda today you ask? Um, same as usual. For those of you who don't know me that well, I work at home. I do data entry work for a local dairy. I used to work in the office full time before my daughter was born. I was their bookkeeper. I am sure I could go back to the office full time if I wanted, but well, I don't wanna. I don't like working from home, its boring and lonely, but I also want the flexibility of staying home when my kid needs me. To be perfectly honest, I wish I could quit and go back to school. I feel wasted at home. It's truly brainless work and I sit here and watch tv while I do it. (I know, to some people that sounds ideal, but really, do it for 5 years and see how bored you are). I would love to go back to school and study English or history. Or Psychology. I would love to get my bachelors in one of those and then go for my masters in Library Science. But I'm scared! I don't wanna put the money out either.(which we don't have, by the way.) Besides, would I be the weird older lady in class that no one wants to partner with??

Anyway, this is a weird post. No real theme, no constant stream of thought, but that's how I am today. Weird.

And before you ask, no I don't know how many WW points that coffee is, and I don't care!! Screw you, Weight Watchers!!

Weight Watchers Can Suck It!

Ok, so it's official. I freakin' hate Weight Watchers. The whole constantly logging in to input points is aggravating. And trying to calculate the points is annoying. Wouldn't it be easier to just count calories? I don't know. I am seriosly peeved with it.

I am thinking of the whole "low carb" thing. Anyone tried it? Before I had my daughter I lost about 30 pounds doing that. Then I got pregnant, and all I could keep in my stomach was potatoes, so that went out the window. I did the carbohydrate addicts diet which allowed one meal with carbs, even dessert. Weird, but it worked.

Anyway, I am not quiting Weight Watchers yet, but I am researching other venues.Any suggestions? I can hear you now "hey kel? how about this crazy idea? eat less and exersize? "
That might not be such a bad idea...smart ass.

This is gonna be tough for me...

oh boy.. I did something dumb today. I signed up for weight watchers. Crap. Now, I gotta commit. Because that crap is expensive..and I don't like to waste money. I've got lose weight, I'm just gross right now. 30 pounds would be mindblowing. Another 10 would totally rock the house. I want to say more than that.. but it's not smart for me to do that.


You see, here is my problem though. I don't love being a tub-a-lard.. but I am kind of scared to lose weight. I used to be way underweight. The counselors in school used to "chat" with me about my "eating disorder" alot. My parents were called, I'd tell my mom I was eating and I was fine. Then, I would pass out in class again, and it would start all over. I would go all day without eating. Then in the evening I would go out with my boyfriend and then, when he dropped me off at night, I would hit the bathroom and puke it all up.I don't think he had any clue.. we were together for 3 years and he never questioned why I went to the bathroom as soon as we were done eating. I am about 5'10 and there was a point where I was about 100 pounds. I liked that number, for some reason. I never really told anyone about it. I didn't really think I had an eating disorder, but I guess I did. I know I did, actually. By the time I met Craig, my hubby, I was about 115 or so and I hated it. But he made me feel great. He made me happy and I stopped purging. We went to dinner and movies and parties and I was too distracted to care. I didn't binge at night anymore and get sick for an hour. We got fat together, Hubby and I. Fat and Happy. Now, I'm fat and not so happy. Kinda miserable, actually.

So, I am trying weightwatchers online and I am a little nervous. I am couting points, and I get 35 per day. plus 30 or so extra for splurges. Well, guess how many points I used today? freaking 44... dammit. Hubby wanted to go to breakfast, and then we got coffees at starbucks and then there were some cupcakes left from the Halloween party... blah, blah, blah. And now, I am tempted to do something about those extra points I ate.I haven't made myself sick in years and it's gross. But I'm tempted. I hate myself for even thinking it. But it's in the back of my mind. I am fine when I don't think about food, just eat it. Don't look at calories and don't get on the scale. But when I have to think about it, I get obssessed. That's probably the whole reason I let myself get this way.. It's better to not think about it.

So, here I go. This is gonna be an adventure, to say the least. But I think if I am honest with myself and the people around me, I will be ok. I've got to try.

Sick Again..

I just spent 29 bucks on vitamins to try and boost my immunity. These little f*ckers better work or somebody at GNC is gettin' punched.