This is gonna be tough for me...

oh boy.. I did something dumb today. I signed up for weight watchers. Crap. Now, I gotta commit. Because that crap is expensive..and I don't like to waste money. I've got lose weight, I'm just gross right now. 30 pounds would be mindblowing. Another 10 would totally rock the house. I want to say more than that.. but it's not smart for me to do that.


You see, here is my problem though. I don't love being a tub-a-lard.. but I am kind of scared to lose weight. I used to be way underweight. The counselors in school used to "chat" with me about my "eating disorder" alot. My parents were called, I'd tell my mom I was eating and I was fine. Then, I would pass out in class again, and it would start all over. I would go all day without eating. Then in the evening I would go out with my boyfriend and then, when he dropped me off at night, I would hit the bathroom and puke it all up.I don't think he had any clue.. we were together for 3 years and he never questioned why I went to the bathroom as soon as we were done eating. I am about 5'10 and there was a point where I was about 100 pounds. I liked that number, for some reason. I never really told anyone about it. I didn't really think I had an eating disorder, but I guess I did. I know I did, actually. By the time I met Craig, my hubby, I was about 115 or so and I hated it. But he made me feel great. He made me happy and I stopped purging. We went to dinner and movies and parties and I was too distracted to care. I didn't binge at night anymore and get sick for an hour. We got fat together, Hubby and I. Fat and Happy. Now, I'm fat and not so happy. Kinda miserable, actually.

So, I am trying weightwatchers online and I am a little nervous. I am couting points, and I get 35 per day. plus 30 or so extra for splurges. Well, guess how many points I used today? freaking 44... dammit. Hubby wanted to go to breakfast, and then we got coffees at starbucks and then there were some cupcakes left from the Halloween party... blah, blah, blah. And now, I am tempted to do something about those extra points I ate.I haven't made myself sick in years and it's gross. But I'm tempted. I hate myself for even thinking it. But it's in the back of my mind. I am fine when I don't think about food, just eat it. Don't look at calories and don't get on the scale. But when I have to think about it, I get obssessed. That's probably the whole reason I let myself get this way.. It's better to not think about it.

So, here I go. This is gonna be an adventure, to say the least. But I think if I am honest with myself and the people around me, I will be ok. I've got to try.