A Letter to a Mechanical Hamster

Dear Zhu Zhu Pets,
Let me draw your attention to this little bit of news.

Zhu Zhu Pets Danger
What the hell were you thinking? How can you do this to me? Do you have any idea that carnage that will ensue in my house if there are no mechanical little rodents under our Christmas tree this year? Do you understand the fact that no other gift under that tree will satisfy my seven year old daughter this year?

Last week, I was breathing a sigh of relief. I had blanketed Ebay with bids on these little robot weasels. I was ecstatic when I finally won several bids, spending well over 120 bucks on this lab rat and his accessories...


Oh but wait, maybe lab rat isn't a good name for him, considering you didn't even properly test the damn things!! What the hell? Did you spend all your safety testing funds on advertising these little menaces during every single commercial break on every network? (really, I think CNN could have been spared the nuisance, don't you?) You made damn sure that you worked our kids into manic frenzy, ensuring them that all the "cool" kids would be finding your stupid hamsters under their tree Christmas morning. But you didn't make sure they were safe?

So tell me, you toy making geniuses, how am I supossed to explain this to my kid? Sorry hun, Santa didn't love you enough to give you that little rat you wanted so badly. Maybe if you could be just a tad bit better next year, you could be unwrapping a motorized cuddly cockroach, which is sure to be the next fad. Yeah, I know the kid down the street got this prized toy that you've been dying to have, but his parents must not have watched the news. You know those elves that lovingly make all the toys at Christmas? Yeah, those stupid bastards forgot to make sure that they weren't using toxic metals while creating them. Poor thing, wipe those tears off your cheeks and try and get over your heartache. Merry Christmas.

So, what do I do now with these expensive ass robotic pieces of crap? huh? Maybe next time you try and start a major toy craze you could make sure the toys are safe first? How about an asbestos stuffed bear next year? Hows about some glass baseball bats? Maybe some LSD crayons? Sounds like a marketing superstorm to me!

So, in closing I have one last thing to say.... ZHU ZHU SUCK!

The Drama Queen Diagnosis

I've got a little secret to share with ya'll. I'm a little dramatic. Actually, I'm a whole lotta dramatic if I'm being honest. I've always been the lone kid completely losing it when the school bus is late. You know that little girl you heard screaming bloody murder in the dentist's office? Yeah, that was me. And that woman that you stepped over when she passed out in line to give blood? Me, again.

My mom says I was born in pretty much a constant state of panic. As a child, everything freaked me out. I would hyperventilate ever time she trimmed my bangs. I can still remember sitting on a chair in the middle of kitchen, my heart beating a mile a minute, my stomach churning. "Careful, Mom!" I would scream. "Don't poke my eye out with those scissors!! Oh my god, my ear! Don't cut my ear off!" And somehow, my mother would manage not to seriously maim me or even give me a little nip out of frustration. Although, I am sure she was tempted.

I used to panic every afternoon in elementary school that I would somehow miss the bus. Around 2:30, I'd start to watch the clock. By 2:45 I was nervously tapping my foot. Five minutes later I would be trying to pack my desk supplies up. Ten minutes later, I would be sitting on the edge of my seat, counting the seconds. And by the time 3:10 rolled around and the bell rang, I would literally explode out of my seat. Waiting for my schoolmates to get in line would throw me into a frenzy. Why aren't they hurrying? THEY ARE GONNA MISS THE BUS! I had no idea what happened if you did miss the bus, but I didn't want to find out! The funny thing was, we lived literally a mile down the road. My mom could be there in minutes. I don't know why I worried about it so much. My mom swears it was because my dad went to work at 4pm and I was scared I wouldn't see him before he left. All I know is, missing the bus was my biggest fear. Screw aliens and monsters, I was not gonna spend five minutes alone with all those teachers.

Unfortunately, I never outgrew my sense of drama. There are some moments of my life that are funny to me now, but horrifyingly embarrassing when they happened. Let's see.. how about the time I passed out after viewing a plastic brain on a hospital field trip? Oh and there is always the moment when I puked in a paper bag, because I was so nervous, while on a date with Craig. Or the time the elevator got stuck in the building I worked in. The thing stopped between floors for literally 30 seconds. About five seconds into the ordeal, I was beating on the doors, screaming "We're gonna run out of air!!!". Did I mention my boss and his boss were in the elevator as well?

Surprisingly,during the big moments in my life I managed to remain cool. While working as a bank teller, we were robbed and I stayed relatively calm. I did not pass out, which seems to be my go-to move. I was scared, but the panic did not kick in until days after. During the birth of my daughter, I was cool and collected. I pushed for hours and it hurt like hell, but I was like a different person. I was okay with it. I did not really even feel nervous until they strapped me to the table for the c-section.

I was like a different person in those moments. I can't understand it. But if I am in line at the supermarket and they announce that they are closing in five minutes, I'm a wreck. If I am 2 days late paying the electric bill, I'm sure that every utilities truck that goes down the street is here to shut me off. If I have a slight fever, I am pretty much positive that its meningitis.

So, why am I like this? I was born that way, is the simple answer. It sucks. People tell me to just "stop worrying." Oh honey, if it were that easy don't you think I would have ended this issue a long time ago? Don't you think I would have loved to live a "normal" life, instead of constantly worrying about those I love? Do you think I enjoy the heart wrenching moments of sheer dread? If I could change anything in my life, anything at all, it would be to calm my worrisome mind.

I was finally diagnosed with a severe anxiety/panic disorder when I was 20. I hate saying that. It's embarrassing. There is such a stigma that comes along with it. So, I joke about it. I make light of it. I try to be open about it, but I feel judged sometimes. And I don't like that feeling. Those that have never experienced a true panic attack, don't get it. And I hope they never do. But I also hope that can learn to look at people like me with a little compassion.

When the doctors finally figured out what my whole deal was, and told me it was an anxiety disorder, I was a little shocked. I'm not nuts, I thought. I'm just a little nervous. But then I started to research it a little.. and oh my gosh. It was as if a weight was lifted off my shoulders. I was not the only one like this. The list of symptoms were so familiar. The patients personal stories were like reading my own diary. I had found a name for my problem. I had found other people out there like me. I wasn't as strange as I thought I was.

I started medication and I hated it. I still hate it. I've been on and off of it for ten+ years now. Sometimes it works well, other times it seems to wear off. So, I stop taking it. Then my symptoms get worse and it's just a whole downward spiral. I go back on it. I feel better. And the cycle continues.

One particularly bad cycle was after I had my daughter. I had gone off the medication while pregnant and after her birth, I went into a terrible state of post-partum depression. I have never, ever, felt like this in my life. I was beyond depressed. Life was dark. Here I was, the mother of this beautiful baby girl, and I didn't even want to go outside, take a shower or even just get my ass off the couch. I started to have weird memory lapses. I would get in the car to go somewhere and suddenly, I had no idea where I was going. I pulled over the side of road and cried for ten minutes because I didn't know what I was doing or how to get home. This was a road I had driven on everyday of my life for ten years. I would get in line at the grocery store and have to leave my entire cart sitting there because I was too anxious to stand in line. But the worst moment, was when I was driving over the bridge to my parents house and I actually pulled over and started to open the door. Without even thinking, I was gonna jump. I saw a cop car coming up the lane behind me and I panicked and drove off. I went to the doctor the next day. I had never experienced depression before, I'd always been on the other side of the spectrum, anxious and keyed-up. This dark new territory was terrifying. With the help of my doctor, I came out of it. I was definitley post partum depression, just like many people you hear about on tv, and think "what's wrong with that woman? Why can't she snap out of it?". I was humiliated and scared. But now I am open about it. Because if it can happen to me, someone who is hyper and giddy and just a ball of nerves, it can happen to anyone. Thank God I got help.

I don't even know why I am telling you all this. Some of you know my history. Some of you don't. Some of you will judge me now forever, and some of you will tell me your own stories of depression and anxiety. Some of you will think nothing of it, until you see someone in your own life struggling with issues like these. I hope you think of me and treat them with kindness.

I guess the big news I have is that I will be starting therapy next month. I'm excited. I'm eager to learn why and how this disorder works. I want some coping strategies. I want to learn to deal with this stuff in case my daughter shows signs of it. I want to begin to accept that this is just me. This is who I am. I don't show many people this side, only my husband and my best friends. But I am trying to share my stories in hopes that it will help me come to terms with my issues. I've got tons of them and they are just taking up too much space in my life. My ultimate goal is to be off of medication and maybe even become a counselor. But in the meantime, I'm taking it one day at a time and trying to acknowledge that this is me. Take it or leave it.

Our Last Magical Christmas?

So, I'm back. I could go into a long rambling post about what I've been doing and where I've been. Or I could just skip past all that and pretend it never happened. And well, I'm an avoider at heart, so I'm just gonna go with door number two, Monty. (yep, that was a Let's Make a Deal reference. I'm nothing if not contemporary.)

We are in the midst of preparing for quite possibly our last magical Christmas. Roslyn is in second grade now and there are rumors circulating amongst the 7 year old set that Santa does not exist. Crazy, right? Roslyn is teetering on the edge of still believing in the man in the red suit and about to fall into the abyss of heresy. (the parents?? how can they do all that in ONE night?). I am utterly heartbroken. At the moment, she is still trying to blindly accept that Santa delivers gifts to every child in the world in one wonderful 24 hour period. I can also see her waging her bets on the idea that it could quite possibly just be mom and dad. I have noticed quite a few chores being done without asking in the past week. She also asked me if she should make me a copy of her letter to Santa before she puts it in the mailbox. When I asked why, she said, "Oh, I don't know.. in case you wanna scrapbook it?".

The only thing we've got going for us right now, is that fact that Roslyn thinks we are dead broke. I've told her so many times that something is too expensive, that she just assumes we are on the cusp of poverty. Here is an example: she asked "Santa" for an ipod. When I asked what she wants from mom and dad, she said "Well, I know money is hard to get... so maybe a ball?" A BALL?? Really kid, I appreciate it, but we are not that hard up. Although, now that I think about it, maybe it's a good thing she thinks that way. If she knew we saved all year for Christmas, she may start making lists in February.

And before you all start lecturing me on the fact that the holiday is not about Santa, I know that. And I have definitely instilled the importance of giving into my sweet girl. We go shopping for Toys For Tots every year, we fill gift stockings and we give to the animal shelter. She knows that the holiday season is more than a fat man flying through the sky in a sled with a bag of gifts for brats across the globe. But, it is so fun when you child still believes, isn't it? I am going to miss the letters to Santa, the mall visits to sit on his lap and searching the night sky for Rudolph's red nose. Will it still feel like Christmas without decorating cookies for Christmas Eve and spreading little bits of carrot and apple across the front porch ?(those reindeer make a mess when they eat!). Is this the last year that I will get to tuck her in on the 24th and whisper that if she hears bells or hooves on the roof, to hurry up and fall asleep? Christmas will lose a little bit of it's magic, I'm afraid..

And now that I think about it, you know else will lose it's power? How am I going to "threaten to call Santa" when she's bad? I have a feeling that next year when I pretend to pull Santa's phone number out of my purse and dial frantically on my cell, she's gonna call my bluff. I think my Christmas just lost a little bit of it's magic, too.

Ps. Santa if you're really out there, could you throw a few Zhu Zhu pets under the tree??

Random Post Redux #4

It's a lazy weekend... so play along and recycle an older post from your blog. Great way to get a post in and introduce some newer readers to some of your older stuff...

FOR THE LOVE OF CHICKENS.

My daughter Roslyn has always loved animals. She also has a flair for the dramatic. One day when she was four and half years old we saw what happens when these two traits collide.

It was a rainy November afternoon. Ros was watching tv and enjoying some lunch, when a commercial about "cooking your Thanksgiving turkey" came on the screen. She giggled a little and said, "That's so funny that they call it turkey. People don't eat real turkeys."

I laughed too. "Of course they do! People eat animals all the time."

She shrugged a little. "Well, I'm glad we don't, mommy. We would never eat an animal."

I watch as she dips her CHICKEN nugget into some sauce and gobbles away. Crap. Do I tell her? I mean she's almost 5. It's time she knew the truth. I take a deep breath and say, "Um, honey. We do eat animals. You're eating chicken nuggets. They are made out of chickens."

She drops the nugget. Clunk. "What?" She stares at her plate. Her mouth is hanging open. Big tears are starting to form and I think, "Shit.. here we go." She jumps up and does the drama queen run to her bedroom. (you know the one.. arms flailing, legs stomping, but the nose is still way up in the air.) "How could you make me eat poor little chickens?!". She slams her door.

I consider for a moment going in there. But decide to let her have some time. Good thing, because a second later she opens the door. She gives me the death stare to end all death stares and marches past me to her toy boxes in the front room. She digs around like crazy, finds what she is looking for and marches back to her room, wailing in agony the whole time. This time she forgets to dramatically slam the door and leaves it open a little. I can see that the thing she had been searching for was her stuffed turkey. (I am seriously trying not laugh at this point. I mean, come on...) She then dives under her blankets with her stuffed turkey. I can hear her mumbling something in between sobs. I sneak a little closer.

"I'm so sorry that I have been eating you guys. I didn't know. She didn't tell me." Again, more wailing and then, " I know.. I think she's a mean lady, too."

Oh for the love of God. Again, I decide to let her ride it out a little. About ten minutes later she comes out of the bedroom. I am thinking it's over. She drops to the ground in front of our dogs. "I am sorry. I didn't want to eat your friends!" The dogs are wide eyed in terror. What's with this kid?

I laugh a little. "Honey, we don't eat dogs."

She buries her face in the dog's side. "Well, what do you think Hot Dogs are then, huh??" The wailing continues.

Finally I get her calmed down. I explain to her how some animals eat other animals. I tell her that if she doesn't want to, she doesn't have to. Some people are vegetarians. And at this point I am thinking she definitly will become one. I would be more than happy to support that.

"What do they eat?" she asked, her face so filled with hope.

"Well, they eat vegtables." I tell her.

Her face falls and her nose immediatly wrinkles up."But I don't like vegtables." she says.

She looks at me for a few seconds and then glances at the nuggets still sitting on her plate. I can almost hear the wheels in her little head spinning. Suddenly, as if someone has flicked a switch, she says. "Nah. I'm just gonna eat the chickens."
It's over.

And..... end scene.

Random Tuesday....If I had $10,000

It's Tuesday, and that means it's time to be random! Go visit the
Unmom to play along.

For my randomosity (yeah, I made that up.. so what?) today I've got a little theme going. (I know, kinda goes against the whole random thing.. but I'm a rebel, people. A rebel. You can't tame me.)

Random Things I Would Do If I Had $10,000, because I know the million is never gonna happen.

1. I would buy an English Bulldog and name him Kitten.

2. I would install built in bookshelves all along my front room. (and I still wouldn't have enough space.)

3. I would take my friends out to dinner at a real fancy joint like TGI FRIDAYS.(hey, it's only 10k! give me a break.)

4. I'd pay for my parent's health insurance for few years.

5. I'd buy the Hubs a nicer bike.

6. I'd take Ros to Build a Bear and tell her she can have whatever she wants.

7. I'd take myself on a shopping spree at Philosophy.com

8. I would take a creative writing class.

9. I'd install hardwood flooring in our living room.

10. I'd buy myself a shiny green Kitchen Aid mixer... which would then lead to me becoming a famous baker which would then lead to more thousands of dollars..

11. I'd buy my daughter the entire Magic Tree House library.

12. Can you buy liposuction with 10k? probably not with my ass... eh.. ok, I'd hire a personal trainer... but he has to be super hot and I would hate him.

13. I would go here and buy lots of super awesome stuff.

14. Then I would go here and buy even more spectacular awesome stuff for me and for my girlfriends.

15. I would anonymously give $200 grocery store gift cards to a few families that I know could really use it.

16. I would subscribe to every Cross Stitch, Scrapbooking, Crafting, Music and Literary Magazines that exist.

17. A new laptop... a pink one. One that magically writes amazingly inspired and grammatically correct blog posts.

18. I'd spend a day at Barnes and Noble, drinking as much coffee as I want, buying pretty bookmarks and reading for hours all the books I am too cheap to buy.

19. I'd take all my friend's kids to the zoo and let them buy anything they want in the souvenir shop.

20. I would buy an adorable wallet to keep all my receipts in.. because knowing me, I would return half of this stuff and just pay the electric bill.