Win a Copy of An Object of Beauty by STEVE MARTIN!!

Hey guys, stop on by my book site Girlswithbooks.com  to win a copy of Steve Martin's new book, An Object of Beauty!!  The winner will be drawn on January 10th! Good luck!


I hope you all had a fantastic holiday!

All I Want For Christmas...

.... is my blogging mojo back!

OK, fine... and an ipad. Oh, and some new pj's! And bookstore gift cards. But that's it.  Oh wait.. maybe some jewelry? But seriously, I'd be happy with just some blog inspiration. (but hey, if you're heading to the mall, I could always use some new boots. A nice chunky heeled gray pair..but really, don't go out of your way. By the way, I'm a size 8 1/2. I hear Aldo has a good sale going on..) But, honestly, don't go to any trouble.


We've made some major changes around here lately, so I guess that makes good blog post material, right? Well, I don't know how interesting the changes are to anyone but us, but I'm gonna tell ya about them anyway. Unless of course, you'd rather I go on with my rambling Christmas wish list??


The biggest development in the past month or so has been with our daughter. We took her out of public school a few weeks ago.  She is now attending an amazing, much smaller private christian school. We are over-the-moon happy with this decision. I have seen such a change in Roslyn in just a few short weeks. It's amazing. She is happy. She actually WANTS to go to school. This, from a kid who used to cry every morning before school. She loves gym class now, when before she was always "sick" on gym class day. (I think she was being teased, but she won't tell me.) Now, she can't wait until she's old enough to join the school basketball team. She actually asked for a basketball and football for Christmas. The course work is much, MUCH, harder but she is having a great time learning. The teachers have smaller classes so they are able to play learning games with the kids and explore subjects much more freely. My daughter now comes out of school with a huge grin on her face, when before she would just slump in the car and mumble that school was "boring".  I'm not knocking public school at all, our public school teachers are awesome, but the environment just wasn't right for our kid.  I didn't how wrong it was for her until  we took her out.  


As for me, I'm not working at home anymore. My job, I think, has finally fizzled out. And that's fine. I'm okay with being a stay at home mom.  I've never really gotten to just focus on home, so I'm looking forward to getting the house in order and gettin' my housewifery on. Just call me June Cleaver. Actually, no. Don't.  If you're gonna call me anything but Kel, let it be something like "Mistress of Awesomeness."  June Cleaver was kinda boring.


Let's see...what else? Craig ran away and joined the circus.  I bought a pet sheep and named it Lady Baabaaa.  Wait a minute? You're still paying attention? OK, scratch those last two things.  I was just checking to see if you were paying attention.  


I'm sure there are some other things I should be informing you of, but well.. this is the longest I have wrote on here in a long time and if someone is actually still reading this blog. I'd better quit while I'm ahead.


Hopefully, I will be opening a big old box-of-inspiration next Saturday and will soon be blessing you all with some witty and fascinating blog posts. 


Or, I'll just blabber on about nothing as usual. But maybe I'll be wearing some sweet new boots while I'm at it. (seriously, have you got the hint yet? I want some boots.)


I've missed you all!

 

Storybook Review!

Bless This Mouse by Lois Lowry

Release date : March 21, 2011

Product Description

A resilient and quirky colony of church mice fears another Great X more than they fear cats. Under Mouse Mistress Hildegarde’s leadership, they save themselves from one danger after another—sometimes just by the skin of their tails! Can one ultimate act of bravery during the feast day of St. Francis get Father Murphy to bless these mice and keep them safe forever?  Rife with humor and personality, this young middle-grade novel has an old-fashioned feel with the makings of a modern classic.

My Review:
Lois Lowry is one of the world's most beloved children's authors.  Her books have sold millions across the globe.  Numerous awards have been bestowed upon this amazing author, and rightly so.  Lois Lowry has gift of storytelling and readers of the world are forever grateful. Her novel, Number the Stars, is one of the most heartbreaking and beautiful books I have ever read. But like a talented author should, Ms. Lowry is able to get a little silly now and then as well.  Her Gooney Bird series is a fun and light favorite amongst the 6-9 year old set.

Being such a fan of her previous works, I was very anxious to read her new creation, Bless This Mouse.  The cover artwork alone almost killed me with it's cuteness.  I was hoping her new story could live up to such undeniable adorable-ness! Let me tell you this.. Lois Lowry does not disappoint.  Bless This Mouse is so incredibly sweet that it almost gave me a cavity.

That being said, the story is not all fluff. This is not one of those books you will read to your child once and forget about. Bless This Mouse has a lesson to teach.  I can guarantee it will get you and your children started in a discussion about kindness and forgiveness.  This book has all the right elements for a perfect nightly story time : adorable illustrations, cute characters, humor and most of all, and important lesson to be learned. Bless This Mouse is destined to be a classic.

*Although I have this book listed as a "storybook" selection, the actual recommended reading age is 9-11. Of course, independent readers would ADORE this book. My own 8 year old loved it. However, this book is a fantastic read aloud story that could be shared with younger children as well.

 

Publishes 4/11/2010

Publisher's Description:
"Ponytails and braids! Ponytails and braids! I don't see anything but ponytails and braids! This class needs some fashion. This class needs some fun. I'll find a hairdo to impress everyone." Annabelle doesn't want the same boring hairstyle that all the other girls have. When she spies a picture of her grandma, she has the perfect idea: a big bouffant! But how can she make her style stand up? And will her classmates really be impressed with her daring 'do?


My Review:

 Big Bouffant is a perfect storybook for all those little fashion divas out there!  Annabelle yearns to stand out in a see of ponytails and braids. She wants to be different and stylish.  And when she spies a photo of her grandmother's bouffant hairstyle, a new hairstyle craze is let loose on her elementary school!

I thought this book was just so cute and sweet! The prose is fun and light. The illustrations are beautiful and unique.  I loved every aspect of this book! Can't wait to read it to a few little fashion princesses that I know!



You can check out more reviews over at Girlswithbooks.com

A Quick Update...

Holy Cow, people.
It's actually happening
.
I AM LOSING WEIGHT.

I know, I can't believe it either. I've lost 8 pounds.  And I didn't have to throw up once.  I didn't even have the flu.  I didn't have any unimportant organs removed from my body. I even somehow avoided having to wire my mouth shut. I simply ate less and better.  I started to excersize again.

Best of all, I didn't complain once.

Ha.. got ya there didn't I?  Ok fine, I have been whining like a two year old kid in Toys R Us.  In fact, I think the constant griping has probably had a significant effect on my weight loss.. all this constant yammering has to burn a few calories, right?  All I know is, I'm losing. And I like it.

I am actually not over concerned with the actual "poundage". (shut up, that's totally a word..).  I started this journey with my blood pressure and overall health in mind. I am very happy to report that my blood pressure has gone down about 20 points! seriously!! I am talking about top and bottom numbers! It was extremely difficult giving up caffeine, but as soon as I did, my blood pressure adjusted itself to a healthy number. I also cut out as much salt as possible. I had no idea how sensitive I was to caffeine and sodium! I feel like a different person. My anxiety has taken a serious nose dive.  I'm drinking tons of water and peeing like crazy, but it's worth it. I feel better than I have in years.

So, I know what you're thinking. "Is Kel gonna become some Health Nazi? Is she gonna constantly lecture us all on healthy eating? Will she look down her nose at us when we eat Twinkies by the dozen?" 

Um, no. Because this is still crazy hard. I've got a long path ahead of me. I still love junk. Just the thought of those Twinkies made me drool a little (a lot). I'm failing most of the time. I cheat. But I'm determined.  I'm just trying to make some small changes and hoping for massive results. That's not too unrealistic, is it?

Hey, Who Shrunk My Pants?

Ladies and Gentlemen,  I have embarked on a new adventure. I am on a diet.  Ok, maybe it's not exactly a brand new adventure, but it's one I have not seriously ventured on in quite awhile.  Sure, I may have started this journey a few times in the past, but I always run out of gas before I hit the first rest stop.  To be honest, I've stopped at the rest stop and they had a Cinnabon.. and well, that was the end of that.

Dieting sucks. I know, that's stating the obvious. But man... it really stinks. I don't know what I was expecting, but this is not fun.  Actually, I do know what I was expecting. I would go on a few walks, drink some extra water and the excess weight would just melt away. Well, you can imagine my shock when that damn scale of mine remained stubbornly at the same number. (and no, I am not telling you that number. I won't let you go blabbing it around to all your friends. I know how you are...) I thought it was gonna be easy. I imagined I would learn to prefer ice water to iced tea and dr pepper. I assumed I would start to crave salads. I expected that I would eventually get used to skim milk in decaf coffee. I thought I would learn to love bean sprouts and lima beans, and yet, they remain my arch enemies.  Dieting sucks.

So, why the torture? Why not just learn to love my growing waistline and big butt?  I just can't. Don't get me wrong, I've heard how guys like "junk in the trunk" (they totally still say that, right??).  My husband loves me regardless, I have no doubt of that. The biggest reason I'm doing this, is fear. That's right, I'm scared. Really scared.

I don't know if was the big 33 that got me thinking, but something has caused this overwhelming anxiety in me lately.  I feel old. I don't like it.  I don't like facing the facts of my mortality. (who does, right? duh.)  Recently, I've come to realize that I'm aging. I am not taking care of myself.  And deep down, I know that if I don't change things, I'm headed for disaster.

For years I was  completely oblivious to my health, but somehow I was healthy.  I ate what I wanted, but I didn't overeat.  I exercised because I liked it.  I don't really know when that unawareness morphed into an obsession.  Now, I worry about everything I eat, but I eat it anyway. Then I feel guilty and eat again.  I think all day about what I will cook for dinner.  I plan on exercising. I schedule it.  Then, when the time comes, I am miraculously too busy.  I have become hyper aware of every mistake I am making, and yet, I still make them.

So, I'm trying something a little different this time. I am not focusing on my weight. Yea, I know.. what the hell kinda diet am I talking about? When I have dieted in the past, I focused way too much on that mystical number on the scale (you know the one, the one you will never know.).  If it doesn't change in a day, I'm completely disappointed, and disappointment with this girl leads to one thing, eating.  So this time around, I am focusing on a few different sets of numbers.  My blood pressure/ heart rate and my pants size. My blood pressure has been high lately, which scares the hell out of me.  And my heart rate has always been high because of heredity stuff and my anxiety.  If I can get those two numbers down I will be elated. If my waist size dwindles along with it, well... I'll be ecstatic.

My goal this week is water. I don't drink any. Seriously.  I drink iced tea all day. Granted, it's with splenda,  but it full caffeine. And I've heard Splenda isn't all that great either.  And coffee.... oh my delicious Pumpkin Spice Lattes... I will limit you, my dears, to one or two a week.  And even then, you will be decaf-ed and splenda-fied.  Oh, if you only knew how much I will miss you in all of your high fat, frothy, delicious glory.

But it's gonna be worth it, right? I'm gonna be healthier. I'm gonna be around to see my daughter grow up and get married and have kids. Hubby and I are gonna spend retirement cruising around in our camper and going on vacation with our friends.

I'm trying to keep my eye on the prize... no, not the vacations and stuff... I've got my eye on some sweet skinny jeans at Express.  Maybe I should start saving for a shopping spree now, because it's gonna happen. I will be healthy (and lookin' super fab in some new outfits.)

The House That Slobs Built

I hate our house.  I mean, I really hate it.  If it were a person, I would punch it in the face.  If I saw this house walking down the street and it waved at me, I would purposely ignore it and then, when it passed by me,  I would whisper loudly to my friend “Ewwwww!! Can you believe she just tried to talk to us? Did you see the siding she was wearing? What a skank!”.  I would make it’s life miserable. If I were the head cheerleader and this house was president of the student council, I would shove her into lockers and tell everyone she still wears training bras. I would publicly shun her and give her horrible self esteem.  I hate this house.

So, I know what you’re thinking. Kel, how can you be so cruel? This nastiness is not like you!  What did that poor little house ever do to you?  Oh, dear readers, you have no idea.  This house is a bitch. She is a mean little witch.  She presses my buttons every chance she can get.  She enjoys making my life miserable. She may look innocent enough, but she’s evil to core, people.  Evil, I tell you.

This house has been a total jerk since the day we moved in.  Granted, we weren’t exactly the most excited pair of new homeowners.  We were kind of miserable actually.  We were not carrying each other over the threshold (Craig said something about it being embarrassing if I dropped him again or something.. whatever.).  We were not boasting to our friends about our new home. We did not have a housewarming party.  We pretty much just threw our few scant belonging in the living room, looked at each other and said, “Meh.. it’ll do for now, I guess.”

We were not in a great position to buy a home. Hubby had just started a brand new career with great potential for growth but quite a minuscule starting salary. He was working a part time second job to help us scrape by.  I, on the other hand, was home with a three year old who never slept and was in the midst of the temper tantrum phase (I liked to call it World War Three Year Old).  On top of that nonsense, I was also working at home 30 hours a week and cleaning houses about 20 hours a week.  We had moved in with my parents 6 months prior in order to save for a new home, and well...I love my parents, but things were not exactly copacetic.  The stress was about to kill us all. We had no money and we had no place to live.  

Enter in the housing boom of 2005. We called a mortgage broke to find out how much money we would need to buy a home. We wanted to start preparing. We did not expect the peppy, twenty year old girl on the other end of the phone to say, “Why, you guys can buy a house right now, silly!”.  Huh? What  was she smoking? WE WERE BROKE!  And they want to give us a house?  Craig and I looked and each other, grinning, and said, “Stupid bastards.”

There were only two houses in my hometown that were in our price range at that moment. Yep, that should tell you something right there.  There were not the beautiful new model homes that had sprung  up on the outskirts of town. Nor were they the handsome 5 bedroom split levels in the great school district. Hell, they weren’t even the cute little 3 bedroom cottages by the river.  They were both two bedroom houses that needed a crapload of work.  We picked the one that was not currently being rented by a bunch of drifters with 8 kids and 3 dogs.  We chose the one that was not in the running for a upcoming spot on Hoarders.

Settlement was a disaster. Of course, this a-hole of a house decided that it needed tons of stuff done to pass inspection. So, what do we smart and savvy home buyers do? We skip the inspection of course! Duh.  That was super smart.

We moved in without a cent in our pockets, let alone our bank account. We didn’t even have beds. Seriously. We slept on air mattresses. We had just enough money to buy a beat up, scratch-n-dent refrigerator. We didn’t have any food to put in it.  

But, we had a house. So, yay!! Right?  Nope. We were depressed. This was not our dream house. This house was, and still is, a nightmare. It needs so much work, it’s overwhelming. And we have not had the money or the expertise to fix anything.  Craig does not know how to do any carpentry and besides, we don’t have the cash to pay for it. This house is in shambles. It’s embarrassing and it sucks.

We need carpeting. We can’t afford it. We would actually prefer hardwood, so imagine our excitement when we pulled up the corner of the carpets and found pretty hardwood!  Then, imagine our disgust and disappointment when we pulled back a little farther and found that the other part of the floor was plywood. We quickly tucked the carpet back down and tried to forget about it until the money fairies come and leave a deposit under our pillows. (Still waiting..)

The basement is musty and it floods. The kitchen needs new flooring. The stove is old and barely works. The cabinets are falling apart. The heater is a temperamental jerk-off that only works when it feels like making the effort. The central air is filthy slut that strains our electric bill and costs us hundreds a month in the summer.  The windows all need to be relpaced. The back deck is decaying at an alarming rate and the driveway needs to be paved.  There is no landscaping and a humongous tree in the backyard looms over the back porch menacingly during every windy storm.

So, you’d think this jackass of a house would eventually give us a break, right? Nope, I told you, she’s a total asshole. Now, it’s the roof.  We have a leak. Or we thought we had a leak. Turns out we need a new roof. I mean, I’m not shocked or anything. We knew we were gonna need a roof soon.  Just not this soon. We were planning on waiting until we refinanced or got some extra money somehow. Well, those freakin’ money fairies must have relocated to the overpriced McMansions on the other side of town, because I haven’t seen those flying morons in years.

We, simply put, don’t have the money to fix it. We are trying to rig it until we can afford to get an entire new roof. I don’t see that happening until at least the spring.  At least.  And even then, it will be crazy tight.  And neither one of us want to put any money into this crapshoot, hell hole of a house.  This is not the house we wanted. This not were we wanted to be.

And before you say it, yes, I know... we are lucky just to have a roof over our heads. But it’s leaking on our heads right now and it’s slowly disintegrating before our eyes. 

 Yes, I’m happy we have a place to live, but I still want to give this house a swift roundhouse kick right in the back porch. And I totally would, if I wasn't so sure it would completely collapse.

Random Tuesday .... because I'm nothing if not random..

Yep, it's Random Tuesday over at The UnMom, and I was thinking.. "Hey, I may be a really horrible blogger lately and I totally can't bother myself to put the effort into an actual coherent and articulate blog post. (You remember those, don't you, Kel? Those rare ones where you actually had a point to make and eventually got around to making it? Yea.. I didn't think so.) Why not give Random Tuesday another go? You can be as aimless and rambling as your cold little heart desires!".  So, here goes, people... all the mindless crap you've been dying to hear.

I love Jimmy Fallon. Seriously, could he be more freakin' adorable?




I have not missed one single episode of Late Night with Jimmy Fallon. Yes, even the one that my husband inadvertently - on - purpose deleted from the DVR. Hmmm... is someone jealous there, dear husband? Well, you should be. Because if Jimmy knocked on the door right now, I'd be humpin' his leg like a golden retriever on your Great Aunt Tillie.

I am ashamed to say that I have not read Harry Potter, or actually sat through one of the movies to completion. This could turn out to be an issue, since my daughter has decided that she wants to be Hermione Granger (??) for Halloween this year. Good luck, kid. I'll give you a wand and a bathrobe.. hope that qualifies for wizard wear.

Pumpkin Spice lattes are laced with crack cocaine. Or, well, maybe not cocaine. (Chill out, Strabucks' legal team.. it was a joke. Dag.)But they are definitely pumping those things full of something addictive, because I am downing them like water. If I drank water like I should, which I don't. Because there are pumpkin lattes to drink instead. Duh.

I'm so happy Fall is finally here! I had a fantastic summer, but my swimsuits were screaming for mercy. Honestly, there is only so much stretching that spandex can take. It's time for my comfy sweater, jeans and hoodies to take their share of the abuse. I'm not ordering the Fat Free Pumpkin Lattes, people.. there is a serious need for maximum body coverage at this point.

And that's all I got. So, there.. random enough for ya?

I'm How Old???

I turned 33 years old on Wednesday. Yes, double threes! I just can't accept it. But, I've done the math, there is no changing it.   You take a 50 year old woman and subtract 17 years and you get me. No matter how many times I try to take the year 2010 and deduct 1977 from it, I still end up with the same result.  I am a 33 year old woman. Holy Sh*t.. HOW THE HELL DID THAT HAPPEN?

There is no denying it, I am in my thirties. My thirties!! That's, like,  my parents age! Oh, wait a minute..not any more it isn't. That's how old they were when I was ten. And when I was ten, I thought 33 was ancient.  Seriously though, aren't people in their thirties supposed to wear chinos and pastel colored polo shirts, drink sparkling water and discuss their 401k's? Aren't thirty three year old women supposed to spend their afternoons plucking gray hairs and chatting with their doctors about their fiber intake?  Aren't thirty somethings supposed to be lame??

I don't feel lame. Heck, I don't even feel like a grown up yet. When's that  whole part kick in? I mean, technically, I'm a full fledged grown up. I've got the paperwork to prove it. So, why is it that I still feel the need to hide the fact that I occasionally enjoy an alcoholic beverage from my mom? Why do I still find myself laughing uncontrollably at fart jokes?  Why do I still prefer Lucky Charms for breakfast instead of Grape Nuts? How come I still can't quite figure out the exact amount of time to cook popcorn in the microwave without it catching fire?  Why am I still planning things to do "when I grow up"?

I realize that 33 is not "OLD"... but, it's older than I feel.  I still wonder what happened to my twenties! I should have paid more attention! Why didn't I spend more time learning how to properly fold a fitted sheet?  Shouldn't I know how to use the barbecue grill by now? Why am I still petrified of the lawnmower?  Thunderstorms still scare the bejesus out of me.  And don't you dare ask me how to cook a turkey, because I still have to call my mom and ask her every time I try.

I don't know why, but being 33 bothers me.  I don't like it.  The other night we were at a restaurant with our friends. They told the waiter it was my birthday. He said "Hey! 21 again, huh?"  The bastard. How dare he? That's the same joke people used to say to my mom when she was....well, when she was in her thirties.  Everyone laughed to be polite to the overly friendly and uber-touchy douchebag waiter. Meanwhile, I was fuming. That son of a bitch. Is he saying I can't pass for 21 anymore? I can totally pass for 21, right? RIGHT? I mean, it was dark in there.. He totally could not see the 14 gray hairs I had been hiding amongst my curls.  And I was relatively positive he could not get a good view of my granny panties considering I was trying really hard to keep my bunion affected feet under the table.  Maybe he heard me moaning about my "aching back" as I attempted to reach down in my purse for some Gas-X.  I mean, really, the guy was just way too presumptuous. I'm sure there are plenty of 21 year olds who fall asleep at the table because they only got one nap that day. It's not uncommon. Young and feisty ladies totally get tired too, ya know.

Urgh, who am I kidding? I guess it's time I faced the facts. I am a grown up. I'm officially well into adulthood. Actually, I am pretty sure I hit the whole "adulthood" milestone a while back. I just never noticed.  Maybe that's what's different this birthday. I'm actually paying attention. Crap, I'm pretty sure that's another sign I'm getting older. Dang, there really is no denying it, huh? I'm gonna go drown my sorrows in ice cream. (and then some Pepto Bismol because I just can't handle dairy like I used to)

Mom of the Year

    Mom of the Year.  It’s a phrase we’ve all heard. Moms tend to throw around this expression. Usually, it’s a sarcastic comment. You feed your kids cereal for dinner and say “Well, I guess I won’t be getting the Mom of The Year award”.  Your son shoves a marble up his nose and you're muttering to yourself on the way to the ER, “There goes Mom of the Year again”.  I have yet to see anyone actually declare themselves the Genuine Mom of the Year. We moms are way too self critical to ever claim that distinction.  There is always someone else out there doing better, accomplishing more and flat out making us all feel insignificant.
    With that said though, I don’t think I am a bad mom. Not at all.   As a matter of fact, I’m pretty dang good at it.  My daughter is socially accepted, well fed, happy and an all around great kid. I am quite proud of the work I’ve done so far.  However, there are many, many moments that I question my abilities. There have been several times when I have hung my head in shame because I have failed.  Luckily for me, those big mistakes are few and far between.  It’s the small blunders that are way too common in my life.  And lucky for me, we can usually find the humor in them. I want to share with you some of those moments, when I knew I was out of the running for that Mom of the Year contest, but still found myself laughing.

    *When Roslyn was about three years old, she used to go to work with me.  Occasionally we would get stuck in traffic. I am not the most patient driver. I learned that I was raising a rather inpatient back seat driver when I heard Roslyn say, “What the heck is this? An idiot parade?”

    *I used to babysit occasionally for a friend of mine. She had a daughter named Mikayla. Our girls were the same age, about 2 years old. Roslyn used to call her “Mack”. For months we thought that Roslyn had made up a cute nickname for her friend. It was so adorable! One day, I said something to that effect to Roslyn. She said “No! She’s Mack! Cause I want to MACK her”.. she then went up to Mikayla and smacked her in the face.

     *Roslyn can recite this entire scene from the movie Tommy Boy...

   


     *Roslyn was about 4 and half years old. She was playing at a local park. She and a few other girls were bouncing up and down on a suspension bridge thing. All the girls were singing songs like "I'm a Little Teapot" and "The Wheels on the Bus".  There was a long moment of silence while the girls were trying to think of another song to sing. My child happily starts bouncing again and starts to sing at the top of her lungs, "THE FREAKS COME OUT AT NIGHT! THE FREAKS COME OUT AT NIIIIIGHT! FREAKS COME OUT AT NIGHT (the freaks come out!)"   I could literally feel the heat of the other playground moms staring at me.


So, I will not be Mother of the Year this year or in any year to come. I'm doing a good job and so is my husband. But the fact is, we mess up. She hears things we don't want her to hear.  She occasionally sees things she probably should not.  She has her Momma's temper. I am not a perfect mother. I'm a work in progress, just like my daughter. We are extremely lucky that things are not worse.  I mean really, she could have been singing "Superfreak". That would have just been scandalous.

Target Practice With My Foot

    I am the Queen of Procrastination.  I am the Empress of Postponement. I am the all powerful Master of Dilly-Dallying.  You need something done, you let me know.  I’ll get it done. By “get it done” I mean I will add it to my trusty to-do list and then promptly ignore it for 3 years.
    I don’t know why I’m this way, I just am. My therapist (yes, I see a therapist.. don’t you judge me) says that it’s a method of self destruction. I know, it sounds crazy serious, right? But basically what he is saying that I have expert aim at shooting myself in the foot.  When I really think about it, I guess he’s right. Now I have to just figure out why I'm loading the gun in the first place.
    I have good intentions. I really do. My never ending inventory of unreached goals is chock full of great ideas.  I want to volunteer at a the SPCA. I love animals. I hate to see them in pain. I would get such fulfillment out of helping them find happy homes.  So, what’s the deal? Why don’t I just do it? Well, duh... I’m too busy.  I am just so amazingly over scheduled that I just can’t manage a few hours a week to help care for these precious creatures. I couldn’t possibly miss an episode of Glee or a read a few less chapters a week in exchange for helping some sweet, lovable dog find a family!  I need my “me time”!
    Of course, you all know I want to go back to school. So what’s the deal there? Why don’t I just do it? I could squeeze in at least a class a semester. I could go online. Seriously, what would it take? A few hours a week? I could stay up later. I could wake up an hour earlier each day.  What’s my excuse this time? Money, of course! We never have enough. I’d rather spend the money on groceries or to pay the electric bill. You would think this could be solved with low rate student loans. Not the case. I hate debt. You see? I have an excuse for everything.
    I wish I knew why I was this way. I wish I knew why I feel the need to set myself up for disappointment. Maybe I am scared I will actually succeed at something. Maybe I fear the responsibilities that come along with success. Maybe I just don’t want to put forth the effort. It’s possible, of course, that I am just plain lazy. I hope that’s not the case, but it’s kind of hard to ignore the fact that all these goals are easily within my reach.  All I have to do is make a good grab for them. 

So why are my arms still lying motionless at my sides? 


     I know I'm not alone in this situation, I know there are others out there like me.  So tell me, what are you avoiding? Why are you putting it off? And most of all, what's it gonna take to make you actually go for it? 

    As for me, I am trying. I want to change this. I want to succeed at something. Anything. I need to have that "something" that I can point to  and say "Hey! I did that!" .  It's time to stop playing target practice with my feet and aim for something higher.

Book Review : Dracula In Love

Dracula in Love by Karen Essex has been touted in many book reviews as “Twilight for grownups”. I can see a few similarities, I guess. Yes, there is a vampire. Yes, there is a love story. But that’s where the resemblance ended for me. Hang on to your Team Edward novelty baseball hats, because this ain’t your teenager’s vampire novel.
     This book is dark. It’s mysterious. It’s sensual. This is a real gothic novel, the way they are supposed to be written. You want to go wandering through mist filled, centuries old cemeteries in the dead of night? How does a visit to a Victorian “insane” asylum sound? Dracula in Love has it all, and then some.
     Karen Essex has taken the characters from Bram Stoker’s classic novel and given them quite an imaginative back story. In the original, Mina Murray is an innocent bystander in an act of revenge between the count and his lawyer, Jonathan Harker. But in Essex’s retelling of the tale, Mina may not be such a innocent victim. She is something else entirely, something she herself has tried to ignore her entire life .As a child, she learned to hide her strange abilities and talents in exchange for a calm, normal life. She dreamed of a beautiful wedding, a doting husband and house full of children. However, nightly visions, sometimes horrific and other times extremely erotic, have her confused and scared. Who is this creature she encounters in her dreams? She finds herself drawn to him in ways she has never experienced, or at least, in ways she cannot fully explain. Yet, he appears to posses knowledge of her every thought, her every desire. The two souls are somehow connected in a way mere mortals could never fully comprehend.
     I enjoyed this novel so much. Essex is an amazingly talented author, giving new life to these classic characters. She deftly intertwines the histories of Mina and the Count into the original story without missing a beat. The blending is flawless. In some instances, when an author attempts to retell a classic tale one of two things tend to happen. One, the older story becomes somewhat forgotten, it’s charm is lost when it’s replaced with a shinier new version. Two, the new version tends to feel, for lack of a better word, stolen. You find yourself wondering why the author even attempted to make these characters her own. They are someone else’s imaginings and they just don’t come to life in the hands of another writer. However, Dracula in Love did not leave me feeling as if Mina Murray was simply a borrowed character. I felt as if she blossomed beautifully under Essex’s care. I also do not feel as if Stoker’s original story is overshadowed by this new novel. I actually find myself tempted to read it again!
     Dracula in Love is a beautifully writtten and wildly addictive novel. I suggest it to anyone, whether you prefer your vampires sparkly and melodramatic or dark and wildly sensuous. But really, when you look at it that way , is there really a choice?

Stuff That Made Me Laugh This Week...

Some of you may find it surprising to learn that I have a very immature sense of humor. Yea, I know it's pretty shocking, considering all the seriously compelling  posts and articles that I usually grace this blog with. However, today is different. Today I will take a break from the serious and businesslike tone that I normally bestow upon you, my beloved internet companions. Today, I will simply pass along a few things that I found myself giggling about this week. I want you to start the weekend with laughter, dear readers. I want to make you happy. This is about you.

Ok, fine. You got me. I've got nothing to post about today and I like the funny.

This video reminds of every fight that I have ever had with my husband. Can you guess which character I identify with the most?


Pugs.. oh how I love you...

See more funny videos and funny pictures at CollegeHumor.

 Swear Jar!

Swear Jar--Funniest Commercial Ever! - watch more funny videos

There ya go, my little foray into the silliness. I will now resume perusing the internet for quantum physics formulas and researching cures for athlete's foot and global warming. Either that, or I'll be watching sneezing panda videos and eating cheetos. Same difference.

Question of the Weak -A Conversation with your Future Self

So, once I again I will be posting a weekly question or writing prompt for anyone who wants to play along. You can post your response in the comments section or link your blog up with Mr. Linky (at the bottom of this post) and answer on your own blog.  Seriously though, you are gonna wanna do this.. all the cool kids are doing it. You wanna be cool don't you?

So today's little inspiration comes in the form of a letter or conversation. To yourself. In the future. Yea, it sounds a little crazy, but try it. Feel free to choose your own time frame, whether it be a week from now, or 50 years in the future. Hell, it can even be about tommorrow, I don't care. Just write something to yourself. It's a hell of a lot better than just muttering to yourself all day like a mad woman.. (..ahem.. not that I know anyone who does that...cough..)
So, here goes mine... in all it's grammatically incorrect glory..

Dear Self,
     So, it's been a year.. yep, a whole year. What have you accomplished? Did you check anything off that huge to-do list yet? Huh? Hey, don't get all nasty now, I have a right to ask. You've been putting this junk off for too long. Don't you try and distract me with some stupid youtube videos about double rainbows either (I've totally seen that one).. we are gonna get serious here. Stop fooling around and let's get down to business.
    Have you finished with that boring ass job yet? You keep saying you are gonna quit and move on to something more exciting, more fulfilling.You've been yapping forever about pursuing something in the writing field.  So, I'm assuming you are now actively pursuing your book reviews? You're writing every day, right? Filling up that journal with exciting adventurous stories that publishers will be beating down the door for?  What do you mean "not yet"? Seriously, if not now, then when? Get your butt in gear woman! If you are gonna go back to school and work on some type of new career then you need to get on it! You are almost (gulp) 34 years old!  It's time to stop saying, "When I grow up I want to be....".  And what about that idea of becoming a counselor for anxiety/panic sufferers like yourself? Did you forget? Or were you too scared to look into it?
    Speaking of anxiety/panic (yea, I'm going there, girlfriend...)... have you kept up with therapy? Are you still making excuses? Cancelling last minute until you are forced to go because your script has run out? You know you aren't going to get anywhere that way. You have to go regularly.. none of this non-commital crap. Bi-weekly sessions at least.  Let's get this ball rolling. I know sometimes it's tough to talk about your issues, but girl, you've got 'em. Lots of 'em.
   You know what else you've got lots of? At least right now? Ass... yep, you've got lots of extra unneeded ass and I hope that you've been working on getting rid of it.  Let's see, it's been a year.. so you should be  well into the maintanence phase of you weight loss, right? What do you mean "next question"? That doesn't sound good. Hey, put down those oreos! They're low fat and calorie free? They totally make them that way now? Oh, all right then.. just a few.. but you are going running after you're done right?  No, not to the fridge for some milk either. Gawd, you are such a smart ass. We totally need to work on that.
     So, dear self, I guess that's it for now.  I guess all I really want to know it.. are you happy? Really happy? If you are, great.. take what I've said with a grain of salt.  However, if you're still struggling and searching, then you know what to do.  You've got to make an effort if you want to change things.. life is short and it's passing you by right now.  Stop sitting around waiting for things to magically fall in your lap, because they won't (besides all those oreo crumbs).  A little effort right now could go a long way.

Love,
Yourself.
(and yes, that's more advice right there..)

So fellow bloggers..who's playing along?

The Return of The Housewife..

Oh, hi there! I'm back! Did you just roll your eyes? How dare you? Ok, fine. I guess I do deserve it. I've "come back" several times and not stuck with it. But this time I meant it! (seriously, again with the eye roll? Not cool.) So, what's gonna make this time different from the others? Um..well.. I don't really have a plan for success.. I'm just gonna cross my fingers and hope for the best.

In all honesty, I have really missed blogging and writing in general. I've definitely let that side of me fall dormant the past few months. My psyche has suffered for it! I mean where else can all these voices in my head find a better outlet than the Internet? I'm kidding. There are no voices. OK, maybe a few, but I haven't named them or anything so they don't really count.

What has everyone been up to? How's your summer been? Are you all laying in the sun, tanned and thin in your bikini's, doing nothing but eating fruit and flipping sides every 30 minutes? Are you out sailing, in cute little white outfits, drinking champagne and talking about fancy pants subjects like caviar and Ralph Lauren's fall fashion line? Or are you struggling not to cry every time you don your one-piece, old lady bathing suit? Are you suffering from a blazing hot sunburn after you used last years leftover sunscreen because you were too cheap to buy new? Are you whining about the heat and cursing your damn air conditioner that is slowly dying a slow and painful death? Yea.. me too.

But, I guess I can't complain. I've got it better than most. I work at home for now. (Although my job is slowly being fazed out.. and I am anxiously awaiting my last day of this boring crap! But I'll save that subject for another day..) Most afternoons are spent with my best friends and their kids. We hang at a friend's pool from noon to 3 or so. The kids play, we read trashy magazines and yap till our jaws are tired. Our children are as close as siblings and they get along great for the most part. On a calm day we have at least ten kids in the pool. We give them swimming lessons, a snack and some goggles and they are ready to go. I cannot even explain to you in words just how much I adore these children, every single one of them. I am insanely lucky to have such wonderful friends who are raising some amazing kids!

Other than the pool, Ros and I have been reading like crazy. Now that she is 8 (yes, 8! Can you believe it?) she is quite content to sit with a chapter book and a cold drink in the afternoon for an hour or more. I suppose I could use this time to clean the house, or prep dinner, but most afternoons, I sit and read myself. The housework isn't going anywhere, but my little girl will not be willing to snuggle with me on a weekday afternoon for much longer. So, I'm making the most of it while I can.

My evenings are spent working or cleaning up. Laundry is a never ending battle, and I am ill equipped with a washing machine on it's dying legs and a dryer that takes 3 cycles to dry the smallest load. I've been slowing working my way through the house, painting rooms white. Yea, it's weird, but I prefer white walls. We have a tiny, cottage style house and white makes it look clean and slightly bigger. Now, if I could only find a way to afford new carpets and furniture...

So, that's my summer so far. Tell me about yours. I know this is quite possibly the most boring post in the history of lame blog posts, but it's something. I've got to start somewhere!

Life Lessons...

We all want the best for our kids. We want them to be happy, well adjusted and content with their choices in life. But do you ever think beyond that? What life lessons have you learned that you want to pass to your children? It can be something simple or a life altering lesson that you attained the hard way. Are you teaching them now? Or are you watching, waiting and praying that they don't make the same mistakes you made?

Being the mother of a daughter, I feel like I need to teach Roslyn some things. I want her to make her own choices in life, but I'd like to pass on a little knowledge of my own and hope that it influences her decisions. So, here's a list of a few things that I have learned over the years and hope to pass on to my girl.

* Dressing like a slut very rarely gets you treated like anything other than a slut. There is a thin line between dressing sexy and crossing over to the hoochie side. Dressing sexy gives you a sense of power, of confidence. Dressing like a slut makes you look desperate and needy. Although you will get tons of attention, it's not the kind of attention you want. Sure boys will call you, but they are most likely trying to get into your pants, not your heart.

* Learn to drive stick. It sounds weird, but it's a skill you should know. You don't want to find yourself in a situation where you need to drive someone else's car and not be able to, simply because of a manual transmission. If you are the only sober person at a party and your friend's car is a stick.. what would you do? Let them drive because you can't push in a clutch. Every girl needs to know how to drive stick. Besides, it's fun and it looks cool.

* Stop worrying so much about what other people think. Yes, you are going to be talked about. And yes, there are going to be people who don't like you. Of course, you will be gossiped about. It's inevitable. You can't please everyone. But you know that moment when you walk into a room and you feel like everyone is looking at you? Judging you? Most likely they aren't. They are thinking of their own outfits, worrying who is talking about them, and hoping they don't have spinach in their teeth. Just like you, they are too busy obsessing over themselves to concern themselves with whether or not your shoes match your purse.

* Love can come in any shape, size and form. Keep your heart open. Don't judge by appearances. And don't let other's opinions affect how you look at someone. You friends may label someone a dork, but you can make your own assessments. I, personally, prefer the quirkier characters out there. Ditch the cookie cutter image of "what is cool"... people often don't fit into perfect shapes and if they do, it's usually a square.

* Most people define themselves with who they were in high school. Most people constantly talk about their teen years and still shove people into their little cliques, even 20 years after they have graduated. Most people still hang onto traumas that happened to them in high school. They continue to wallow in self pity about how they were treated or mistakes they made. Don't be like most people. High School is four years of your life. If you made it out alive, consider yourself lucky and move on. Stop worrying about if the head cheerleader is still 110 lbs or if the school bad boy ever regrets teasing you about your bangs. Most likely the people who were awful in High School are still awful, but karma will catch up eventually. Do not let four years of pimply cheeks, raging hormones and bad fashion choices dictate who you are today.

* Laugh at yourself. If you can find humor in your own mistakes, sometimes you can beat someone to the punchline. And there is nothing more satisfying than taking that power away from someone. Some people feed off of other's flaw's. We all have them. Acknowledge yours, but there is no need to point out flaws in others. (at least not out loud. Feel free to crack yourself up internally.)

* Cherish your friends. If you find true friendships, hold onto them with all you've got. Friends are the joys in life. Nurture your friendships. I mistreated friends in the past, and I wish with all my heart that I wasn't so careless. I've lost touch with people who I dearly loved and took for granted that they would be there when I decided I to look for them. They weren't.

*My final life lesson is a hard one. You are not going to get everything you want. You are going to be disappointed. You are going to have your heart broken. You are going to lose people that you love. Life is hard. Try to be happy. Try to make those you love happy. Enjoy the small moments and the tiny triumphs in life. If you can find contentment with what you do have, not what you don't... life is much easier.

Most of these lessons, I've learned the hard way, through painful mistakes. Some, to be honest, I haven't quite mastered myself yet. But I'm trying. That's how I feel about parenting, too. You can TRY and teach your kids , but they may not listen. Or they may not realize your were right all along until it's too late. But sometimes you need to fail first to really succeed. Myself, I still feel like I am failing most days, but then I look at my daughter and realize that I've accomplished quite a lot. She's only 7 now and I know that we have many rough years ahead. She's going to mess up. We are going to fight. She's going to get sick of me lecturing, trying to pass on some of these life lessons. But I won't stop. Because maybe in between the yawns and the eye rolls, a few ideas will sink in and I will save her from some of the errors I've made. It's the best I can do, and she deserves the best.

When You Wish Upon a ...Blog.

Remember when you were a kid and it was time to blow out those birthday candles? Those little wax sticks had so much magic in them, didn't they? I remember thinking that those 8 little flames really held the powers of the universe in them. If I could just blow them all out in one breath, anything was possible. A puppy? Sure thing kid, just blow! You want a unicorn to give you a ride to school everyday? Allrighty, give me a big 'ol huff and you'll be arriving at elementary school in a blaze of rainbows and fairy dust.

And lots of other things held that magic as well. The turkey wishbone was a prize, waiting on the windowsill to "dry out" until you and your brother could stand toe to toe, in a fight for supernatural powers. If you got the bigger piece, it was gonna be a snow days for the next month. Your brother would just waste his wish on something stupid, like Transformers or a new set of Spiderman Underoos. This was a fight for the ages, you had to win!

Of course, the biggest wish granter was the elusive shooting star. If you could look up in the night sky and find one those, you were golden. Shooting stars held that mystical celestial power. You could trade places with a movie star, see the future, or make that super cute boy that sat next to you in math class fall madly in love with you. The possibilities were endless.

As I've grown up that magic has lost some of it power. I no longer even attempt to blow all the birthday candles out. That old turkey bone? Ewww.. that's unsanitary. It's hitting the trash with the rest of the leftovers. But falling stars? They still seem a little mystical, don't they? I saw one last night as I was letting our dogs outside. I have to admit, I hesitated a moment. Then, I closed my eyes tight, took a deep breath and.....nothing. I couldn't think of a single thing. For a few seconds, I considered a bigger house. But nah, that comes with a bigger mortgage payment. Win the lottery? Meh.. that'd kind of be like cheating everyone else who plays, wouldn't it? That wouldn't feel right. Lose some weight? get healthier? Yeah, but I can do that on my own, don't really need to go wasting all the powers of the universe on that kind of nonsense.

I realized I no longer need to wish for my "knight in shining armor". I've got one of those. Sure, he's not decked out in metal armor and riding a white steed... but he is wearing a nice hoodie I bought him and riding a mountain bike and I like that better anyway. (I don't have anywhere to house a horse, and the laundry is difficult enough without adding a head to toe metal ensemble.) I'm not really interested in changing places with anyone anymore. Yeah, it might be kind of fun to wake up in the morning and find myself inside the body of Angelina Jolie. A little morning romp with Brad wouldn't be so bad. But that girl's got a lot of kids and a whole lot of image to live up to. I prefer my one precious little girl and nobody's standards to live up to, but my own.

It dawned on me that I know longer need all those enchantments. I am pretty happy where I am. I opened my eyes. The star was gone, along with my childhood idea of "the world would be perfect if I could just have....". The world is pretty darn perfect the way it is.

Sorry, Brad Pitt. I could have rocked your world.

Thousand Words Thursday.........

Haven't played this in so long!!

Check out my baby girl.. turning into such a sweet young lady!

Question of the Weak - Time Travel

Well, hello there... I'm back with a Question of the Weak for you!! You can leave your answers in the comment section or use the question to spark your own blog post. Or you can be a big dork and not play along and we will all stare at you with looks of disappointment and hatred and slowly but swiftly shun you from the blog world. Your choice.

So, here is our question...(drum roll..) IF YOU COULD TIME TRAVEL AND VISIT ANY TIME PERIOD, WHERE WOULD YOU GO AND WHY?

This is a super easy question for me. Regency England. Just think, me, in a Jane Austen novel. I think of myself as quite a classy lady. I think I'd fit in quite well actually. (did you just laugh?) Can you picture it? Long flowing gowns, men in cute hats riding over hills on horseback, servants serving me tea while I do my embroidery. There would be balls and dances, music lessons, carriage rides to visit grand estates where handsomely grumpy bachelors would live with their beloved but shamed sisters. Best of all, Colin Firth swimming in a lake that I would stumble upon quite by accident while out strolling. Oh Mr. Darcy, you're all wet!! How improper! *this is the part where I would blush furiously, and try to hurry away.. but he would grab my arm and say , "wait! I've loved you! I've always loved you!"

Ok, hang on. I'm not really being true to the question here, am I? I said TIME PERIOD not fictional setting, (although really, Darcy? Could you be more delicious?).

Ok here we go, take two. Me. Regency England. Long flowing dresses, check. Corsets? hmmm. Long carriage rides through the country? That sounds good. Servants serving me tea while I embroider? I like the servants part, but I'll take a Iced Mocha instead of tea and though I do enjoy needlework... I think I'd get bored quickly. Maybe some trashy novels to read? I'm relatively sure they didn't have Gossip Girl back then. I'm not too talented when it comes to music, so maybe I could take dance lessons instead? Come to think of it, I'm not too great at that either. Karate then. I'll be the only girl in the village who can whoop some real ass. And you know, I don't think I'd be able to say "ass." Or kiss a boy before being engaged to be married (and even then, scandalous!) and well, I'm of the "try it before you buy it" persuasion, so that won't do. And didn't those pretty horses that pull the gorgeous carriages crap all over the streets? Then I'd have to walk through those streets in my gorgeous gown to get to my karate lessons? Hmmm.. I'm having second thoughts here. And now that I'm curious about it.. how often did they bathe back then? And chamber pots? EWWWWWW...

All right, the Regency time period.. not for me. I love the thought of it. The romance of it all, but was it really that romantic to live it? Probably not. Maybe I should set my time machine for a more recent time period? How about the 60's? Sex? Drugs? Rock and Roll? Yeah, that sounds about right. Now.. if I could just take Mr. Darcy with me. I think he'd look great in tie-dye, don't you?

The Obligatory New Year's Post...

It has to be done. The New Year's Resolution Post. I tried to ignore the pull of the Internet, tempting me to reveal all my first of the year goals to strangers across the globe.. but I failed. (plus, I haven't blogged in ages, and it's an easy topic.)

I have to say, I hate New Years Resolutions. I have nothing against setting goals.. but could you pick a worse time? Could there be a more horrendous moment to try and start dieting than the dead of winter? It's freakin' freezing out, I want macaroni and cheese! And yep, I'm gonna start a marathon training program at 5am on a 8 degree morning, instead of staying under the mounds of blankets and sleeping for another two hours? I think not, Baby New Year. I think not.

I do however have some plans for this year.. and most of them can be done within the confines of my warm and comfy home.. pj's and all. It's all about convenience.

My biggest goal for the year is to be happy. Can I be more vague? But I mean it as simply as it sounds. I want to be happy. I want to let go of the past, stop worrying so much about the future, and just be happy right now. I tend to dwell on the past... wondering "what if?". But the past is done, and the future is yet to be, so I might as well live in the moment.

One of the things that make me happy is being creative. I've lost that side of myself lately. It's time to find my "inner Martha" again. I love to make jewelery, scrapbook, sew, cook...etc. But I haven't made time for it. I'm itching to get crafty again. And as you can tell, I haven't exactly been a dedicated blogger lately either. I used to spend hours writing stories or blogging, and that part of me lies dormant at the moment. I plan on easing that big bear out of hibernation in the coming months.

I'm trying to find pleasure in the simple things again. I'm not keeping up with the Jones's and to be honest, I find them quite uptight and boring anyway. I want my daughter to learn to live within her means, and be content with what she has. I want us to enjoy more family nights at home, playing games and watching movies. I would like to cut our "entertainment budget" and spend more time doing more meaningful things. We can wait until movies come out on video. We can make dinner together instead of eating out all the time. We can go for a walk outside instead of through the mall with coffees and full shopping bags in hand. We have enough stuff. I'm sick of stuff. I want peace of mind.

And sure, I've got the whole "healthier eating" thing on my list of goals... but I am thinking more about "natural" products than "fat free". I've been looking at our cabinets lately and I'm shocked at how much junk we eat. I'd like to move to more organic cooking and snacking. I think I was in denial about how many preservatives and artificial foods we eat. I am guilty of Splenda overload in my coffee and I have a big time issue with Coke Zero Vanilla. It's a problem. I've been having some health issues lately, and I can't help but wonder if it's all this junk in our food causing it.

I guess if I had to label 2010 (pronounced twenty ten), I'd call it "2010 - The Year of Being Content". I want to stop worrying about what people think.. and just be happy and grateful. I will dress for me, not concerned with other's opinions. (yes, that is a Super Mario Bros shirt I am wearing... do you have an issue with that?). I will finally start renovations and begin decorating this house the way we want it. Our house is small, and I hate it. But it's time I let go of the fact that everyone else has a bigger house, and just be happy that we have a roof over our heads. I will decorate it in the quirky style that my husband and I both love. I will find joy in good deals at yard sales and flea markets again. I will not feel the need to buy brand names because of the label, but I will buy things because I love them. I will declutter and release unwanted items from this house. I HATE clutter. And we will continue to give to charity, because there are people out there who would love to have the "burden" of clutter.

So, in closing, I've got big plans for 2010. But I won't call them resolutions, because I won't put that pressure on myself. This year I will be... well, just plain happy.

ps. oh yeah, and I will stop using "quotation marks" so much...