Random Post Redux #3

I had this scheduled for Saturday... I don't know why it didn't show up. Sorry, everyone! Once again, I'm hosting a Random Post Redux. Post a random, previously-used entry on your blog and give it another chance at stardom!! Link up with Mr. Linky at the bottom and we'll follow ya over to your site! Here is mine!

Previously posted on April 12, 2009

The Patron Saint of Irritated Husbands



My husband and I will be celebrating our ten year wedding anniversary next month. I am the first to admit that I am difficult to live with. I am shocked that he has put up with me for that long. The following are just a few examples of his miraculous patience.

** We had not been dating too long when my parents invited him over for dinner. My brother and I decided to class up the dinner with a fart machine under my chair. We waited until a silent moment and then... rip. My brother and I were laughing so hard he choked on his chicken parm and had to leave the table to puke in the bathroom. Of course, he continued to hit the fart remote while I sat and snorted like an idiot. Hubby just kind of giggled a little and turned beet red.

** The other week we were sitting in a parking lot trying to find directions to a new restaurant. I spot two birds out my window.
ME: Do birds have sex?
HIM: Yes (still typing on the GPS)
ME: I've never seen them do it.
HIM: (he sighs..) Well, the do. Maybe they're just private about it.
ME: Well, then where are their little wieners?
HIM: (slamming shut the GPS) Kel, they have wieners and they have sex... OK??
ME: Geez... well, excuse me, Mr. Know-it-all.

** We were feeding the geese at the park with our daughter. One goose dips her neck in the green water and guzzles some down.
ME: ewww! They actually drink that water?
HIM: (rolls his eyes.) No, they don't. They have bottled water shipped in (walks away, shaking his head.)

** I have this thing where if someone tells me NOT to do something, I have to do it. I don't know why. I've always been that way. One winter morning,when we were living in our first apartment, Craig went out to warm up his car. We had had an ice storm the night before. He came back in to get something to scrape the ice off his car. I offered to help. He told me not to go out there. The parking lot was covered in ice. That's where he made his mistake. A few minutes later he goes back out. I follow him, with my trusty spatula, ready to show him how it's done. I get to the front step and he says. "Kel! I said don't come out here! It's too dangerous!"

I get very snotty with him. "Don't you tell me what to do!" , and I step off the bottom step. "I wanna heeeeeeeellllllpp". And then I fall. I slide across the entire parking lot, on my ass. I make eye contact with him as I glide past. He just sighs. I finally come to a rest at the other end of the lot. I try to get up. Because I was stupid enough to put on slippers before I went out, I now find it impossible to stand up. And I have to wait there, in my nightgown, halfway across the apartment complex, for him to come help me get up. After five minutes of my whining, he comes over. He doesn't say a word, just shakes his head.

** A few years ago we were watching the Olympics on TV. I say to him. "I bet I can still do a handstand."
He looks over at me. "No. Please, don't."
Now he did it.
"Don't tell me what to do." I go to the middle of the room and do the coolest and most awesome handstand that has ever been done in the history of handstands. He doesn't say anything. "You didn't even look!" I yell at him.

"Yes, I did. It was cool. You're lucky you didn't hurt yourself. Now, could you move?" He looks past me to the TV.

Oh, no he didn't. I put my hands on my hips. "No! You didn't look! Watch!!" And this time I do another super-cool, spectacular handstand.. except this time, I fall over backwards and break my toe. To this day, I look at my crooked second toe and blame him.

** When I was pregnant I told him I was dead set against getting an epidural.
HIM: Why don't you want an epidural? It's gonna hurt, Kel."
ME: I'm not gettin' one. I don't want my legs all numb.
HIM: What? Why not?
Me: Because! What if I need my legs?
HIM: For what?
ME: I don't know!! What if I something happens and I need to run out of there or something??
HIM: (sighs and shakes his head, again.) Kel, where do you think you are going to need to go so badly when there is a baby hanging out of you?
ME: I don't know... but I sure won't be able to get there with jelly legs, will I?
HIM: Point taken.

So, there you have it. Just a few reasons that my husband should be appointed to sainthood. The fact that he hasn't killed me yet is unbelievable.

What I'm Lovin' Right Now...

Once again, I am totally stealing an idea from Jess over at Nerdy Jess. Because I'm a follower, not a leader, people! I'm having some major blog inspiration brain farts lately. So, what do I do? I "borrow" from other bloggers. 'Cause I'm ruthless like that. And please, check out and follow Jess. She is the awesomest! (yeah, that's a word.)

Ten Things I am Lovin' Right Now:

1. The fact that Hubby and Kid are out with our friends at an Ice Cream Social thingy and I have the house to myself. (With my own bowl of ice cream and a screening of the movie Snatch, all to myself.)

2. Chillin' with my girlfriends and our kids during the week. We've got like twenty kids between us and they're all buddies. They swim, we gossip and talk about swimming laps for exersize and never quite get to it.

3. Iced Tea, by the gallon. It's hot out. Nothing but iced tea will do. Or booze. Whichever.

4. Our weekly date night with friends. Every Thursday is "date night". We go out to dinner, the movies, or just hang out at each other houses and play games and drink. This week it was take out and the game "Catch Phrase". It got funnier with each drink. Here is a taste of the conversation:

B: Ok, this is a country....
L: RHODE ISLAND!

5. Family movie night. We've been having a lot of these lately. We're working our way through the classics. Princess Bride, Big, Goonies, etc.

6. No alarms in the morning!! woo hoo!! My daughter has this monkey alarm clock that drives me effing nuts during the school year!

7. The massive pile of books that I've got waiting for me!

8. Fireworks! Can't wait until the 4th! I Love me some fireworks!

9. The fact that I've got my job back for awhile. I know, I know. I complain. I want to go back to school. But Craig lost all his overtime right around the time I was considering quiting for good. They ran out of work for me for awhile, but I'm back. And we need it. I've definitly got enough work to keep me busy for the entire summer and then some.

10. Cold suppers, like salads and sandwiches. No oven! Easy clean-up!

So, what are so happy about? Make a list on your blog and play along!!

#32 The Chosen One by Carol Lynch Williams

I have always been fascinated with Polygamy. Now, put your pitchforks down. I'm not saying I condone Polygamy or approve of it in any way. I am not saying it should be practiced or accepted or even exist, for that matter. I am just saying that I find it..well, fascinating. I am always in search of books on the subject, devouring them when I do. Though, I had never read a book that truly portrayed the Polygamist lifestyle from a young teen girl's point of view. Until I found The Chose One.

The Chosen One by Carol Lynch Williams may be found in the YA (young adult) section of your average bookstore, surrounded by Gossip Girl novels and Twilight copycats, but this is not your typical teen literature. Because the main character, Kyra, is nothing like your typical thirteen year old.

Kyra was born into Polygamy. She has never even thought twice about the fact that her father has three wives. She enjoys her twenty brothers and sisters and is ready to welcome even more. Kyra even accepts the fact that she will one day be a plural wife herself. But when her time arrives, she is shocked with what she has to face.

The Prophet, who is closest to God in their sect, has a vision. Kyra is to marry a 60 year old elder of the church. Not only is he over 45 years her senior, he is also her uncle. Kyra resists, but there is no escaping her fate. She will marry this man, or leave the sect (and her family) forever. But even escaping is not easy, and Kyra will risk death trying to do so. Women before her have tried and were murdered in their attempts.

The Chosen One is, without a doubt, the best book I have read this year. I was completely enthralled, staying up until 3am to finish it. Although I could not directly identify with Kyra's struggles, I could root for her happiness. Whether or not she actually finds it is another subject entirely.

Don't expect a perfect ending. There are a lot of questions left unanswered at the end of this book. But you will find yourself completely immersed into a world that few people even acknowledge exists. This book really makes me wish they're right.

Random Post Redux...#2

Every Saturday, I will be having a feature called, "Random Post Redux", and you are all welcome to join right in! Each Saturday, post a "previously used post" for us all to see.Link up with Mr. Linky at the bottom, so we can check out your blog! It can be anything you've posted in the past on your blog. Did you blog something hilarious back in January? How about your very first post ever?

Why do this? Well, it gives new readers a chance to learn more about you. (Oh yeah, and it's also a really easy way to get a post in when you've got nothing...not that this is my problem.. no way. I'm a wealth of creative ideas.)

This post was originally posted on March 16, 2009
Hey everyone! My slacker self is back with the question of the week. Feel free to take it to your blog and run wild.. or just answer it here! Just trying to inspire some bloggy creativity. So, on to this weeks topic..

WHAT WAS YOUR FIRST CAR? What did it look like? Did you buy it? or your parents? Where you embarrassed or proud? How long did you have it? Where did you go in it?

I have to begin by telling you that I have never really cared about cars. Which is weird because I come from a line of car enthusiasts. I could truly care less what I am driving, as long as it gets me where I am going. The car I am driving now is proof of that. It's called the "silver bullet" and that's all I have to say about that.

I bought my first car at age 17. I did not save up for it. Although I had been working since I was 13, with babysitting and Burger King, I had no money set aside for it. My parents had a rule that they would not buy our first cars. (They were very "earn your own way" and all that.) So, because I was not really interested in cars, nor did I have any money.. I took my paycheck from Burger King on the day I turned 17 and went car shopping. The selection of cars available for 149.76 was incredibly slim as you can imagine, and this is what I ended up with:

(not my actual car.. I did not take picures... but this is it's twin, amazingly found online!)

Yes, that's right people. This fine piece of automotive machinery was all mine. A 1978 AMC Concord. It was a lovely shade of faded green, accessorized with sassy spots of orange rust and silver scratches. The interior was too die for, and with that I mean, it smelled like someone died in there. And although I had never been a car enthusiast, I remember getting behind that gigantic steering wheel and inhaling that sweetly decaying body scent and thinking..."Shit. I probably should have saved two paychecks."

However, I do look back fondly on "the Tank". It took me places and that's all I wanted. Sure, I arrived in a rattling, smoking beast that stalled spontaneously and backfired at inopportune moments, but I got where I was going. Which at the time, was my boyfriends house. He was glad just to not have to drive. He even taught me how to do burnouts.. and I mean, really.. isn't that just the most romantic thing you have ever heard?

There really is no freedom like your first car. I remember long drives, singing my heart out to Juliana Hatfield in my Doc Martens and babydoll dresses and just reveling in being alone and being able to go wherever my heart desired. Well, at least until I ran out of gas, cause the gas gauge was broke.

Eventually though.. it was time to move on. The tank had his run and it was good one. But he was a tired, old soul and was eventually put out of his misery. (I forgot to put oil in him and his engine blew up.) But this time, I was prepared. This time I saved two paychecks. Meet the oil guzzling, pollution cloud inducing creature know as "The Mosquito Sprayer".


It lasted about a month, before I ran it straight into the ground and my parents gave in and bought me a car. I think Dad was sick of picking his daughter up on the side of the road next to a smoldering car.

So, I say thank you to you, The Tank and The Mosquito Sprayer for all your hard work and dedication to getting my sweet little teenage self away from my parents( who I am sure were so glad to get my whining butt out of their cars). May you rust in peace forever in your junkyard graves.

Funny Friday....

Welcome to Funny Friday! Got a funny post on your blog? A hilarious joke? A silly photo? Or maybe a crazy video? Comment and link up here and share! Start the weekend off right.

A new spin on Jurassic Park..

Watch Hey Dinosaurs on CollegeHumor

Also, if you haven't already, you must go to the website Texts From Last Night. I love this site, I check it out everyday!

Now, add your site to Mr. Linky here, and share some funny stuff!!

Would You Rather Wednesday..

All right, you know how to play! I give you some questions, with 2 possible answers. You HAVE to pick one. You cannot say neither! Saying "neither" will result in a terrible, burning rash in your nether regions.

Now here we go...

WOULD YOU RATHER...

have 500 followers (on your blog) that only comment occasionally or a 30 followers who post regularly?

Skip Christmas or your Birthday?


Have a billboard of you in your underwear in Times Square? Or a 10 minute sex tape of you sent to 5 of your friends?

And now.. for you Gross Out Question...
Would you rather...

Have wild, dirty sex with ...

Andy Dick

Or Clay Aiken...


To be honest, I think they'll enjoy as much as you will...

Mommyhood - For Jess

One of my bestest bloggy buddies, Jess, over at NerdyJess, posted a few questions about motherhood over on her blog this week. I wanted to answer them for her, from my point of view. I tend to ramble, so I decided to do it on my blog instead of taking up all her comments with my verbal diarrhea. Here are her questions, along with my answers. (and seriously, check out her blog people, she is the coolest. Love, love, love her!)

So, tell me, what is it like to be a mom?

Well, everyone says the same thing, don't they? It's hard, but it's worth it. And it is. Worth it, I mean. As for the difficulty level, it varies. It depends on the kid. I've got a fairly easy kid. She was a handful at first. Colicky and never slept. Like never. But you know what? Those years don't last that long. And it's hard making decisions and wondering if you are doing the right things by them. But having someone love you unconditionally and as totally as a child does... I would take 60 years of sleepless night and colicky babies.

Does labor hurt? (duh.)
Oh honey, I want to tell that you that no, it doesn't hurt. Or maybe just a little. Or maybe give you that old spiel about "it's hurts but you forget about it." But it's not true. It hurts like hell and you will have never forget. Ever.

Do you really lock yourself in the pantry when the kids are screaming, you're overwhelmed, and eat a jar of marshmallow fluff to keep from beating your head bloody?

Yes, Yes I do. Are you judging me?? bitch.

How does your relationship change with your spouse after baby?
Again, it depends on you. If you decide to make your marriage a priority, I think most marriages can handle children. I made the mistake of completely becoming "mom" and forgetting about the "wife" part. I was all consumed with baby. I am trying to break those bad habits. It's hard not to let that little bundle become your entire life and forget about Hubs for awhile. But don't. That baby will grow up and move out and guess who is still there, if your lucky? Hubby.

Did you work before baby? Did you work after baby?
I worked before and after baby, but I had weird circumstances. My job offered me the option of working from home. It wasn't easy. I feel like I missed alot of her baby years because I was always on the computer. Now, that I am not working anymore..I'm struggling. I'm bored. I am not the type that wants to clean and primp the house. I'm just not. Now I find myself searching for other options.

Do you feel guilty for staying home/going back to work?
How did you decide? Do you get jealous? How do you cope with the jealousy of the other side of the coin?
It's always greener on the other side, isnt' it? Don't we all want what someone else has? The stay at home moms miss going to work. The working mom's feel judged by the stay at home moms. When you become a parent, you will feel this rivalry. It's on every playground. I'm not saying every mom feels this way... but there are many who do. You need to decide where you feel comfortable and you may change you mind midway... but that's your choice. No one else's.

How do you keep from completely screwing up a kid?
um, you can't. You can do you best and try your hardest and hope for the best. It might work. You might raise an angel. You could raise a hellion. Roslyn may turn out just as messed up as me. Or she may take her own path and run in the other direction. The only thing I can do is be honest with her about my mistakes in the hopes that she doesn't make them herself.

So, there you go, my lovely Jess, hope it helps. I am, by no means, an expert. But I try as hard as I can, which is all any mom can do. Good luck, girl! I know that one day you will be the most awesome mom! (and I have a feeling the baby's nickname will be "cupcake".)

Random Post Redux...

Every Saturday, I will be having a new feature called, "Random Post Redux", and you are all welcome to join right in! Each Saturday, post a "previously used post" for us all to see.Link up with Mr. Linky at the bottom, so we can check out your blog! It can be anything you've posted in the past on your blog. Did you blog something hilarious back in January? How about your very first post ever?

Why do this? Well, it gives new readers a chance to learn more about you. (Oh yeah, and it's also a really easy way to get a post in when you've got nothing...not that this is my problem.. no way. I'm a wealth of creative ideas.)

So, here is mine... this was orginally posted on 2/19/2009 (with 62 comments and counting)...

So, for Funny Friday this week, I am going to tell you a little story that my girlfriends find freakin' hilarious. Which, of course, means that it involves me making a total ass of myself.

It all started with a cold. And you all know how dramatic I am when I am sick. I went to the doctor as a last resort, my throat was on fire. I had a throat infection. They gave me antibiotics and sent me home, saying "if you have any questions, just give us a call." (they know better now, thank you very much.)

The next morning, I wake up and my throat hurts so bad. I shine a flashlight in my mouth and see that the "little punching bag" thing is really swollen. Of course, I freak and call my best friend. I say, "I'm gonna call the doctor. What's that thing called anyway? I don't wanna say "punching bag"." She says she doesn't know. I then say, "Oh wait! I know! It's the VULVA! right?" And she says, "oh yeah.. I think you're right." We're both really, really smart.

This is the converstation I had with the nurse:

me: My vuvla is huge and bright red.

Nurse: um, sorry?

me: My vulva it's gigantic and it hurts.

Nurse: your Vulva?

Me: Yeah.. I can touch it with my tongue.. it's enormous. I don't know what's going on.

Nurse: Wait a minute (i think she might have put me on speaker) Your vuvla is huge and red and you can touch it with your tongue? I think you need to call your gynecologist.

Me: Why? is that a sign of something bad??? (I'm freaking out.. a sore throat means ovarian cancer or something?)

Nurse: Ok, hold on (laughing) are we talking about your genitals?

Me: (completely dumbfounded...) NO! (what a pervert) My throat!

Nurse : (cannot stop laughing..)oh! Your UVULA! I was begining to think you were some sort of contortionist!

The following is the definition of the word Vulva (I am sure most of you know it..)

*the external female genitalia, including the clitoris and the inner and outer labia surrounding the urethral and vaginal openings.*

A New Name, A New Me?

So, as you can clearly see.. I've changed up my blog. I went from Girl in the Glasses to A Hesitant Housewife. I think it suits me better. Yes, I still have the glasses.

I will still be featuring "Would You Rather Wednesdays?" and "Question of the Weak" and "Hot Seat".. but I'm going to be adding a few new things as well.

It's gonna be a bumpy ride for awhile as I get the kinks out, but I think you'll like the changes when I'm done. So, hang tight! There's more to come!

Question of the Weak ... Pet Peeves..

What are your top five pet peeves? What drives you absolutely nuts? Leave a comment and let us know, or take the idea over to your own blog and run with it!

Here are mine:

1. People who pick their nose in the car while driving. Why do people think this is OK? You do not turn invisible when you roll up those windows. We can see through them. They are glass, nimrod. And no, you are not going fast enough that we don't see you digging for gold up your left nostril.

2. When I lose something and someone says, "Where did you last have it?" Um, well let's see, dumb-ass, if I knew that I would know where said item is. That's just the same as saying "Where is it?". Um, I DON'T KNOW! HENCE, THE FRUSTRATED SCREAMING AND THROWING OF OBJECTS. You are not helping. Please leave.

3. People who are on their cell phones constantly. It drives me nuts when I see people out taking a walk with their phones to their ears. What ever happened to a nice contemplative walk to clear your head and think? I want to smack it out of their hands and scream "Look at the damn birds, would ya? Wave hi to a neighbor for Christ's sake!"

4. People who still wear the "80's bang". You know the one... otherwise known as "the pouf" or the "rats nest" or the "what the hell is that on your forehead? a dead raccoon?"

5. Sandals and socks. 'nuff said.

I have tons more.. it's a shame really, how many things drive me crazy. Maybe it's me? Eh, nah.

How To Be A Bad Blogger...

It seems that I have become a expert on the subject of horrible blogging. I am the epitome of the the scatterbrained and fickle bloggess. So, of course, it would be my honor to share my wealth of knowledge with you, my dedicated readers.

How To Lose Readers and Alienate Followers:

* Do not post regularly. There should be no rhyme or reason to your frequency of posting.

* When people comment on your posts, don't comment back. Be as rude as possible and don't reciprocate even with the smallest of compliments on their blog. They may return the favor and visit your blog again! Which of course, means you need to post again, to give them something to read.

* Please, start lots of regular features on your blog, like "would you rather wednesday" and "funny friday" and "question of the week"... and then only post them sporadically and on the wrong days. This will keep your readers aggravated and annoyed.

* When you do post, make sure there are lots of spelling and grammatical errors. Nothing pisses off a reader like reading a unedited post. Keep them guessing your meaning with misspelled words, and incorrect usage of adjectives.

* Also, post several times explaining your absence from your blog, and ensure your loyal readers that you will soon be back to regular postings. You must complain that "life has gotten a little hectic", but please, don't specify how or why. (because then you would have to explain that really, you've just been lazy and taking naps with the dogs.)

*And finally, if you are a bad blogger, accept your failings. Run with them, make a post up about how awful you are at commiting to anything, even something you love, like writing. Share your slackery-ness, and teach others how to fail at blogging as well. Because it's no fun to be a loser by yourself. Please, drag others down with you.

So practice these easy steps and you too can be a failure at blogging just like me!!
YOU'RE WELCOME!!

#31 The Hotel on the Corner of Bitter and Sweet by Jamie Ford

This book is just beautiful.

The Hotel on the Corner of Bitter and Sweet by Jamie Ford is the story of two children during WWII. Henry Lee is Chinese. Keiko is Japanese. Although Henry is hesitant at first to be friends with a Japanese girl, Keiko soon wins him over with her sweet personality and big brown eyes. In the midst of their blossoming romance, Keiko and her family are sent to an interment camp for "their safety". Henry is left confused and heart broken. Keiko is American. He can see that. Why can't anyone else? His father is very adamant in his hatred towards the Japanese. Henry is left to struggle with his love for his family and his love for Keiko. Will they be able to keep their romance blooming while she is gone? Will his parents ever accept her?

Henry is also left to deal with the discrimination of being an Asian American during a very turbulent time in American History. All he wants is to be with Keiko, listening to the jazz music they love and watching her draw. But Society and his family has other plans for them.

This book really is a mixture of "bitter and sweet". I cried at the end, not sure if they were tears of sadness or happiness or just plain relief that their struggles were over.

Can't recommend this book enough!

#30 The Sweetness at the Bottom of the Pie by Alan Bradley

The Sweetness at the Bottom of the Pie by Alan Bradly is such a unique novel! The main character, Flavia, is a great quirky character. She is definitely different than any other character I have ever read about! She is 11 years old and unlike any 11 year old I have ever met! Flavia is a chemistry addict! She spends all her free time in her lab, mixing up poisons and potions. (a few she even uses on her sisters!). Flavia is absolutley delighted whens she looks out her bedroom window early one morning to see a man dying in their vegetable patch! She rejoices in the drama of a mystery to be solved! Who did it? Her dad? The gardener? And why? The rest of the mystery is also centered around a unique stamp. I know, really, a stamp mystery? But it was actually interesting!

I thoroughly enjoyed following Flavia around her sleepy little village, searching for clues. She is quite an interesting little girl! I really hope that Mr. Bradley does a series of these books! I miss Flavia already!