A Letter to a Mechanical Hamster

Dear Zhu Zhu Pets,
Let me draw your attention to this little bit of news.

Zhu Zhu Pets Danger
What the hell were you thinking? How can you do this to me? Do you have any idea that carnage that will ensue in my house if there are no mechanical little rodents under our Christmas tree this year? Do you understand the fact that no other gift under that tree will satisfy my seven year old daughter this year?

Last week, I was breathing a sigh of relief. I had blanketed Ebay with bids on these little robot weasels. I was ecstatic when I finally won several bids, spending well over 120 bucks on this lab rat and his accessories...


Oh but wait, maybe lab rat isn't a good name for him, considering you didn't even properly test the damn things!! What the hell? Did you spend all your safety testing funds on advertising these little menaces during every single commercial break on every network? (really, I think CNN could have been spared the nuisance, don't you?) You made damn sure that you worked our kids into manic frenzy, ensuring them that all the "cool" kids would be finding your stupid hamsters under their tree Christmas morning. But you didn't make sure they were safe?

So tell me, you toy making geniuses, how am I supossed to explain this to my kid? Sorry hun, Santa didn't love you enough to give you that little rat you wanted so badly. Maybe if you could be just a tad bit better next year, you could be unwrapping a motorized cuddly cockroach, which is sure to be the next fad. Yeah, I know the kid down the street got this prized toy that you've been dying to have, but his parents must not have watched the news. You know those elves that lovingly make all the toys at Christmas? Yeah, those stupid bastards forgot to make sure that they weren't using toxic metals while creating them. Poor thing, wipe those tears off your cheeks and try and get over your heartache. Merry Christmas.

So, what do I do now with these expensive ass robotic pieces of crap? huh? Maybe next time you try and start a major toy craze you could make sure the toys are safe first? How about an asbestos stuffed bear next year? Hows about some glass baseball bats? Maybe some LSD crayons? Sounds like a marketing superstorm to me!

So, in closing I have one last thing to say.... ZHU ZHU SUCK!

The Drama Queen Diagnosis

I've got a little secret to share with ya'll. I'm a little dramatic. Actually, I'm a whole lotta dramatic if I'm being honest. I've always been the lone kid completely losing it when the school bus is late. You know that little girl you heard screaming bloody murder in the dentist's office? Yeah, that was me. And that woman that you stepped over when she passed out in line to give blood? Me, again.

My mom says I was born in pretty much a constant state of panic. As a child, everything freaked me out. I would hyperventilate ever time she trimmed my bangs. I can still remember sitting on a chair in the middle of kitchen, my heart beating a mile a minute, my stomach churning. "Careful, Mom!" I would scream. "Don't poke my eye out with those scissors!! Oh my god, my ear! Don't cut my ear off!" And somehow, my mother would manage not to seriously maim me or even give me a little nip out of frustration. Although, I am sure she was tempted.

I used to panic every afternoon in elementary school that I would somehow miss the bus. Around 2:30, I'd start to watch the clock. By 2:45 I was nervously tapping my foot. Five minutes later I would be trying to pack my desk supplies up. Ten minutes later, I would be sitting on the edge of my seat, counting the seconds. And by the time 3:10 rolled around and the bell rang, I would literally explode out of my seat. Waiting for my schoolmates to get in line would throw me into a frenzy. Why aren't they hurrying? THEY ARE GONNA MISS THE BUS! I had no idea what happened if you did miss the bus, but I didn't want to find out! The funny thing was, we lived literally a mile down the road. My mom could be there in minutes. I don't know why I worried about it so much. My mom swears it was because my dad went to work at 4pm and I was scared I wouldn't see him before he left. All I know is, missing the bus was my biggest fear. Screw aliens and monsters, I was not gonna spend five minutes alone with all those teachers.

Unfortunately, I never outgrew my sense of drama. There are some moments of my life that are funny to me now, but horrifyingly embarrassing when they happened. Let's see.. how about the time I passed out after viewing a plastic brain on a hospital field trip? Oh and there is always the moment when I puked in a paper bag, because I was so nervous, while on a date with Craig. Or the time the elevator got stuck in the building I worked in. The thing stopped between floors for literally 30 seconds. About five seconds into the ordeal, I was beating on the doors, screaming "We're gonna run out of air!!!". Did I mention my boss and his boss were in the elevator as well?

Surprisingly,during the big moments in my life I managed to remain cool. While working as a bank teller, we were robbed and I stayed relatively calm. I did not pass out, which seems to be my go-to move. I was scared, but the panic did not kick in until days after. During the birth of my daughter, I was cool and collected. I pushed for hours and it hurt like hell, but I was like a different person. I was okay with it. I did not really even feel nervous until they strapped me to the table for the c-section.

I was like a different person in those moments. I can't understand it. But if I am in line at the supermarket and they announce that they are closing in five minutes, I'm a wreck. If I am 2 days late paying the electric bill, I'm sure that every utilities truck that goes down the street is here to shut me off. If I have a slight fever, I am pretty much positive that its meningitis.

So, why am I like this? I was born that way, is the simple answer. It sucks. People tell me to just "stop worrying." Oh honey, if it were that easy don't you think I would have ended this issue a long time ago? Don't you think I would have loved to live a "normal" life, instead of constantly worrying about those I love? Do you think I enjoy the heart wrenching moments of sheer dread? If I could change anything in my life, anything at all, it would be to calm my worrisome mind.

I was finally diagnosed with a severe anxiety/panic disorder when I was 20. I hate saying that. It's embarrassing. There is such a stigma that comes along with it. So, I joke about it. I make light of it. I try to be open about it, but I feel judged sometimes. And I don't like that feeling. Those that have never experienced a true panic attack, don't get it. And I hope they never do. But I also hope that can learn to look at people like me with a little compassion.

When the doctors finally figured out what my whole deal was, and told me it was an anxiety disorder, I was a little shocked. I'm not nuts, I thought. I'm just a little nervous. But then I started to research it a little.. and oh my gosh. It was as if a weight was lifted off my shoulders. I was not the only one like this. The list of symptoms were so familiar. The patients personal stories were like reading my own diary. I had found a name for my problem. I had found other people out there like me. I wasn't as strange as I thought I was.

I started medication and I hated it. I still hate it. I've been on and off of it for ten+ years now. Sometimes it works well, other times it seems to wear off. So, I stop taking it. Then my symptoms get worse and it's just a whole downward spiral. I go back on it. I feel better. And the cycle continues.

One particularly bad cycle was after I had my daughter. I had gone off the medication while pregnant and after her birth, I went into a terrible state of post-partum depression. I have never, ever, felt like this in my life. I was beyond depressed. Life was dark. Here I was, the mother of this beautiful baby girl, and I didn't even want to go outside, take a shower or even just get my ass off the couch. I started to have weird memory lapses. I would get in the car to go somewhere and suddenly, I had no idea where I was going. I pulled over the side of road and cried for ten minutes because I didn't know what I was doing or how to get home. This was a road I had driven on everyday of my life for ten years. I would get in line at the grocery store and have to leave my entire cart sitting there because I was too anxious to stand in line. But the worst moment, was when I was driving over the bridge to my parents house and I actually pulled over and started to open the door. Without even thinking, I was gonna jump. I saw a cop car coming up the lane behind me and I panicked and drove off. I went to the doctor the next day. I had never experienced depression before, I'd always been on the other side of the spectrum, anxious and keyed-up. This dark new territory was terrifying. With the help of my doctor, I came out of it. I was definitley post partum depression, just like many people you hear about on tv, and think "what's wrong with that woman? Why can't she snap out of it?". I was humiliated and scared. But now I am open about it. Because if it can happen to me, someone who is hyper and giddy and just a ball of nerves, it can happen to anyone. Thank God I got help.

I don't even know why I am telling you all this. Some of you know my history. Some of you don't. Some of you will judge me now forever, and some of you will tell me your own stories of depression and anxiety. Some of you will think nothing of it, until you see someone in your own life struggling with issues like these. I hope you think of me and treat them with kindness.

I guess the big news I have is that I will be starting therapy next month. I'm excited. I'm eager to learn why and how this disorder works. I want some coping strategies. I want to learn to deal with this stuff in case my daughter shows signs of it. I want to begin to accept that this is just me. This is who I am. I don't show many people this side, only my husband and my best friends. But I am trying to share my stories in hopes that it will help me come to terms with my issues. I've got tons of them and they are just taking up too much space in my life. My ultimate goal is to be off of medication and maybe even become a counselor. But in the meantime, I'm taking it one day at a time and trying to acknowledge that this is me. Take it or leave it.

Our Last Magical Christmas?

So, I'm back. I could go into a long rambling post about what I've been doing and where I've been. Or I could just skip past all that and pretend it never happened. And well, I'm an avoider at heart, so I'm just gonna go with door number two, Monty. (yep, that was a Let's Make a Deal reference. I'm nothing if not contemporary.)

We are in the midst of preparing for quite possibly our last magical Christmas. Roslyn is in second grade now and there are rumors circulating amongst the 7 year old set that Santa does not exist. Crazy, right? Roslyn is teetering on the edge of still believing in the man in the red suit and about to fall into the abyss of heresy. (the parents?? how can they do all that in ONE night?). I am utterly heartbroken. At the moment, she is still trying to blindly accept that Santa delivers gifts to every child in the world in one wonderful 24 hour period. I can also see her waging her bets on the idea that it could quite possibly just be mom and dad. I have noticed quite a few chores being done without asking in the past week. She also asked me if she should make me a copy of her letter to Santa before she puts it in the mailbox. When I asked why, she said, "Oh, I don't know.. in case you wanna scrapbook it?".

The only thing we've got going for us right now, is that fact that Roslyn thinks we are dead broke. I've told her so many times that something is too expensive, that she just assumes we are on the cusp of poverty. Here is an example: she asked "Santa" for an ipod. When I asked what she wants from mom and dad, she said "Well, I know money is hard to get... so maybe a ball?" A BALL?? Really kid, I appreciate it, but we are not that hard up. Although, now that I think about it, maybe it's a good thing she thinks that way. If she knew we saved all year for Christmas, she may start making lists in February.

And before you all start lecturing me on the fact that the holiday is not about Santa, I know that. And I have definitely instilled the importance of giving into my sweet girl. We go shopping for Toys For Tots every year, we fill gift stockings and we give to the animal shelter. She knows that the holiday season is more than a fat man flying through the sky in a sled with a bag of gifts for brats across the globe. But, it is so fun when you child still believes, isn't it? I am going to miss the letters to Santa, the mall visits to sit on his lap and searching the night sky for Rudolph's red nose. Will it still feel like Christmas without decorating cookies for Christmas Eve and spreading little bits of carrot and apple across the front porch ?(those reindeer make a mess when they eat!). Is this the last year that I will get to tuck her in on the 24th and whisper that if she hears bells or hooves on the roof, to hurry up and fall asleep? Christmas will lose a little bit of it's magic, I'm afraid..

And now that I think about it, you know else will lose it's power? How am I going to "threaten to call Santa" when she's bad? I have a feeling that next year when I pretend to pull Santa's phone number out of my purse and dial frantically on my cell, she's gonna call my bluff. I think my Christmas just lost a little bit of it's magic, too.

Ps. Santa if you're really out there, could you throw a few Zhu Zhu pets under the tree??

Random Post Redux #4

It's a lazy weekend... so play along and recycle an older post from your blog. Great way to get a post in and introduce some newer readers to some of your older stuff...

FOR THE LOVE OF CHICKENS.

My daughter Roslyn has always loved animals. She also has a flair for the dramatic. One day when she was four and half years old we saw what happens when these two traits collide.

It was a rainy November afternoon. Ros was watching tv and enjoying some lunch, when a commercial about "cooking your Thanksgiving turkey" came on the screen. She giggled a little and said, "That's so funny that they call it turkey. People don't eat real turkeys."

I laughed too. "Of course they do! People eat animals all the time."

She shrugged a little. "Well, I'm glad we don't, mommy. We would never eat an animal."

I watch as she dips her CHICKEN nugget into some sauce and gobbles away. Crap. Do I tell her? I mean she's almost 5. It's time she knew the truth. I take a deep breath and say, "Um, honey. We do eat animals. You're eating chicken nuggets. They are made out of chickens."

She drops the nugget. Clunk. "What?" She stares at her plate. Her mouth is hanging open. Big tears are starting to form and I think, "Shit.. here we go." She jumps up and does the drama queen run to her bedroom. (you know the one.. arms flailing, legs stomping, but the nose is still way up in the air.) "How could you make me eat poor little chickens?!". She slams her door.

I consider for a moment going in there. But decide to let her have some time. Good thing, because a second later she opens the door. She gives me the death stare to end all death stares and marches past me to her toy boxes in the front room. She digs around like crazy, finds what she is looking for and marches back to her room, wailing in agony the whole time. This time she forgets to dramatically slam the door and leaves it open a little. I can see that the thing she had been searching for was her stuffed turkey. (I am seriously trying not laugh at this point. I mean, come on...) She then dives under her blankets with her stuffed turkey. I can hear her mumbling something in between sobs. I sneak a little closer.

"I'm so sorry that I have been eating you guys. I didn't know. She didn't tell me." Again, more wailing and then, " I know.. I think she's a mean lady, too."

Oh for the love of God. Again, I decide to let her ride it out a little. About ten minutes later she comes out of the bedroom. I am thinking it's over. She drops to the ground in front of our dogs. "I am sorry. I didn't want to eat your friends!" The dogs are wide eyed in terror. What's with this kid?

I laugh a little. "Honey, we don't eat dogs."

She buries her face in the dog's side. "Well, what do you think Hot Dogs are then, huh??" The wailing continues.

Finally I get her calmed down. I explain to her how some animals eat other animals. I tell her that if she doesn't want to, she doesn't have to. Some people are vegetarians. And at this point I am thinking she definitly will become one. I would be more than happy to support that.

"What do they eat?" she asked, her face so filled with hope.

"Well, they eat vegtables." I tell her.

Her face falls and her nose immediatly wrinkles up."But I don't like vegtables." she says.

She looks at me for a few seconds and then glances at the nuggets still sitting on her plate. I can almost hear the wheels in her little head spinning. Suddenly, as if someone has flicked a switch, she says. "Nah. I'm just gonna eat the chickens."
It's over.

And..... end scene.

Random Tuesday....If I had $10,000

It's Tuesday, and that means it's time to be random! Go visit the
Unmom to play along.

For my randomosity (yeah, I made that up.. so what?) today I've got a little theme going. (I know, kinda goes against the whole random thing.. but I'm a rebel, people. A rebel. You can't tame me.)

Random Things I Would Do If I Had $10,000, because I know the million is never gonna happen.

1. I would buy an English Bulldog and name him Kitten.

2. I would install built in bookshelves all along my front room. (and I still wouldn't have enough space.)

3. I would take my friends out to dinner at a real fancy joint like TGI FRIDAYS.(hey, it's only 10k! give me a break.)

4. I'd pay for my parent's health insurance for few years.

5. I'd buy the Hubs a nicer bike.

6. I'd take Ros to Build a Bear and tell her she can have whatever she wants.

7. I'd take myself on a shopping spree at Philosophy.com

8. I would take a creative writing class.

9. I'd install hardwood flooring in our living room.

10. I'd buy myself a shiny green Kitchen Aid mixer... which would then lead to me becoming a famous baker which would then lead to more thousands of dollars..

11. I'd buy my daughter the entire Magic Tree House library.

12. Can you buy liposuction with 10k? probably not with my ass... eh.. ok, I'd hire a personal trainer... but he has to be super hot and I would hate him.

13. I would go here and buy lots of super awesome stuff.

14. Then I would go here and buy even more spectacular awesome stuff for me and for my girlfriends.

15. I would anonymously give $200 grocery store gift cards to a few families that I know could really use it.

16. I would subscribe to every Cross Stitch, Scrapbooking, Crafting, Music and Literary Magazines that exist.

17. A new laptop... a pink one. One that magically writes amazingly inspired and grammatically correct blog posts.

18. I'd spend a day at Barnes and Noble, drinking as much coffee as I want, buying pretty bookmarks and reading for hours all the books I am too cheap to buy.

19. I'd take all my friend's kids to the zoo and let them buy anything they want in the souvenir shop.

20. I would buy an adorable wallet to keep all my receipts in.. because knowing me, I would return half of this stuff and just pay the electric bill.

Would You Rather Wednesday..

It's Wednesday! Time for your weekly game of Would You Rather! I give you a question with two possible answers. You must choose one. You have no other choice. If you say neither, you're computer will spontaneously combust. Seriously, I wouldn't try it if I were you.

So... here we go!

Would you rather....
go without sex or chocolate for one year?

Would you rather...
go without texting or facebook/twitter for one month?

Would you rather...
wear the same pair of underwear for one week? or not shave your armpits for a month?

And lastly...

Which of these super old dudes would you like to play "who's your daddy?" with....
Larry King

or Regis Philbin..



You're welcome for the visual....

The Six Principles of Embarrassing Your Kid...

So, the other week we were at an event for my daughter's karate school. All of the students were lined up on the grass, awaiting their turn to test in front of the judges. My husband and I had pulled up lawn chairs to the edge of the area, and as usual, got ourselves into a really silly mood. Just like the kids in the back of the class in high school, Craig and I like to sit on the outskirts of situations and make fun of those that are participating. (you see.. because we are way too cool to join in on anything...) So the instructor is talking to the kids and asking them questions.

He says something like..."ok, kids. What are the six symbols on our flag? Can you tell me what they mean?"

Silence. The kids just stare at him.

I whisper to Craig. "Do you know?"

He starts to tick words off on his fingers, with a completely straight face.
"Discipline, Strength, Kickin' Ass, Taking Names, Cigarettes and Cake."

I, of course, snort like a pig and burst into laughter. And then continue laughing until I choke and start hacking like a 70 year old smoker with emphysema. All of the children turn in my direction and wonder who's crazy ass mother I am. Roslyn, of course, did not even turn around. But I did see her sigh and shake her head.

Poor kid. It's only gonna get worse from here.

Happiness is...

Happiness is...
having a great group of girlfriends, all incredibly different and unique, but alike in the qualities that really count: loyalty, respect, morals, the ability to consume mass quantities of alcohol, sing karaoke and talk for hours about nothing and everything at the same time.

Happiness is...
a great husband who puts up with your insane mood swings and your uncanny ability to constantly embarrass him in public.

Happiness is...
a great kid who is an odd mix of your weird sense of humor and your husband's sweet nature.

Happiness is...
watching someone you hate fall down a flight of stairs. (What? You really didn't think I was all that deep, did you?)

Happiness is...
being greeted by uncontrollably happy dogs when you walk in the door.

Happiness is...
a great hair day, a super cute outfit and some kick ass shoes.

Happiness is...
a big fat book, a snowy day, hot chocolate and a blanket to curl up in.

Happiness is...
introducing your kid to the magic that is "The Goonies".

Happiness is...
signing corny eighties songs with your husband in the car at the top of your lungs.

Happiness is...
looking at old pictures and not thinking about how incredibly thin you were, but remembering all the fun you had.

Happiness is...
introducing yourself to something new, something that you never even realized you needed in your life, but you did.

Happiness is...
knowing that you don't have much, but you have what you need.

Funny Friday -

Got something funny on your blog? Link up with Mr. Linky and tell us about it!


Oh hello there, man of my dreams!!

See more funny videos and funny pictures at CollegeHumor.

And I cannot even count how many times my daughter has watched this video!

See more funny videos and funny pictures at CollegeHumor.

Link up here and share some laughs with us!

#33 This Is Where I Leave You by Jonathan Tropper

Jonathan Tropper is known for his hilarious and clever novels, and he does not disappoint with his latest creation, This Is Where I Leave You.

Judd Foxman's life is a mess. He comes home early from work to find his beautiful wife, Jen, in bed with another man. And not just any man, but his boss. After moving out of his charming suburban home and into a shoddy basement apartment, he is informed of his father's death. Suprisingly, although he was never a religious man, his dad's dying wish was for his family to sit Shiva for one week, in his honor. Reluctantly, Judd heads to his mother's house.

Judd's family is a comedy lover's dream. Dysfunctional doesn't even begin to describe this clan. His mother is a world renowned parenting expert who can't even begin to understand her own children. His youngest brother, Philip, is a playboy who is constantly finding himself in one crisis or another. He comes to the family home with a guest that no one can quite figure out. Paul, his older brother, harbors a lot of resentment towards Judd. He and his wife are also struggling with fertility issues. His sister, Wendy, is his rock. But she is stuck is a loveless marriage and dealing with her own romantic disasters. Now all these siblings are forced to stay under the same roof. Add to this list a number of oddball mourners who come to pay their respects and you've got a week of dysfunctional comic drama. The repercussions are laugh out loud funny and poignant at the same time.

As I read this book, I couldn't help but think that it would make an amazing movie. The characters are just so oddly lovable and relatable. The family dynamic is incredibly familiar and easy to identify with. The Foxman's are everyone's family. Sure, they are somewhat eccentric and manipulative, but the love they have for each other is clear. Yes, they may despise each other at times, but underneath the chaos is an undying loyalty to each other. And isn't that pretty much how every family works?

Would You Rather Wednesday..

Time to play!! I give you a question with two possible answers and you HAVE to choose one. Not choosing, or saying "neither" will result in a quick and painful punishment that I am not at liberty to discuss. (the authorities are watching me...).

Now..

*1.Would you rather..

Be on Dancing with the Stars?

or

American Idol?


*2.Would you rather find....

the fountain of youth

or

5 million dollars?


*3 Would you rather....

be quickly forgotten when you die...

or hatefully remembered forever?

*********BONUS GROSS OUT QUESTION**************

Which tv dad would you like to play "bad babysitter" with...
Al Bundy...


or Jon Gosselin..


Don't you make him take off his belt!!

The Tuesday Ramblings Of A Psycho Bitch...

Oh Lordy Begordy, people. I am in a seriously bitchy mood. I mean it. I'm talking a "don't - make- eye- contact- with- me- or- I - will- cut- you" mood. I'm not sure exactly what my deal is today, just that I have one. A big deal of a bad mood... and it ain't getting better... yet. I just may go out and buy some wine and hide in the bathtub. But I'm broke and the bathtub needs a good scrub, so screw that.

Actually, scratch that. I do know what my deal is. We're broke. Again. Nothing new there, right? Right. I've been dealing with it for years now, so what's the biggie? Well, since you asked, the biggie is the fact that I am sick with dealing with it alone! My husband (who I love dearly. I do.) does not handle our finances. He avoids them like the plague. Actually, I think he would rather have the plague than try and figure out how to pay the mortgage, cable, electric and taxes with one paycheck. He has no interest in it. I am the one left pulling the magic rabbit out of the hat every week with our money. It was tough before, but now he's lost all overtime at work, and it's gotten even worse. The magic rabbit has left the building. I can't do it anymore. I want help. I;ve begged before and he says he'll help, but it doesn't happen. I know why though... because I'll do it anyway. He doesn't have to worry because I will pick up the paycheck, wave my magic wand and somehow things get paid. What he doesn't see is me haggling with the creditors and begging the electric company to give us one more month. He knows I deal with it, so he doesn't have to. Well, that's gonna change people! Little Craigie-Poo is gonna get himself his own magic wand and top hat and do some magic of his own. I'm done dealing with it. I've done my ten years sentence, he can take over now.

I'm also a major beyotch because I'm bored. Yep, you heard me... bored. Yeah, I'm busy. But I'm bored. Mind numbingly bored. I am so bored that I can't even come up with a synonym for "bored". I sit home and work by myself all day. I clean the house and I do the laundry and make the dinner and then it all starts over again in the morning. I haven't been blogging. Maybe I need to make more time for myself?? I don't know.

I've got tons of book reviews to get to. I'm not sure why I've slacked off. I think I'm depressed. Ok, that's a lie... I know I am. That's the first step, right? Admitting it? Well, there. I admitted it. I don't feel any better yet. I know that I have to push myself... but right now, pushing just seems too hard... can someone give me a little shove?

This entire blog post makes no sense.. so I've decided it fits for a "Tuesday rambling" over at the unmom. com . Check out the link at the top of the page and check out some other bloggers' rambling posts.. maybe they are in a better mood!

Question of the Weak.. bad habits...

Question of the Weak
Here goes:
What are your worst habits?

Unfortunately, I have tons. I am a plethora of annoying qualities. I know, it's hard to believe. Me? Annoying? Shocker, I know.

One habit that I find myself doing a lot is worrying. I know, I know... we all do it. But believe me, you don't do it like I do. I obsess. I obsess about obsessing. I worry myself sick, over really trivial crap. Add to that the anxiety over the big things in life, like losing love ones, and it all sums up to one big ball of nerves.

I also tend to put myself last. So, how can that be bad? I put everyone before me. Everyone else's feeling are more important than my own. And then I get upset because no one thought of me! Here's an example: I save and save for Craig and Ros's birthdays and make sure they get great gifts. But do I put aside money for me? EVER? Nope. And do I get mad that no one gets me anything?? YUP! And do you know why they don't get me anything? Because when they ask me what I want, I say "Nothing. I'm good". Yep, I am a complicated creature.

I am a chronic quitter. I start lots of projects and yet, I rarely finish any.

I eat when I'm stressed. Or bored. Or breathing.

I cannot sit through a movie at home. Unless I have something else going on too.. sewing or working, etc. I get antsy. It drives Craig nuts that I can't sit and cuddle and watch.

I snore. I think. I wake myself up and think the dogs are barking... but it's me, snorting like a pig.

I've got tons more. But I want to hear about yours. What are you worst habits? Leave your answers in the comments section or leave a link to your blog and we'll follow ya over there!

Things My Dad Taught Me..

So, I've been thinking a lot lately about life lessons. You know what I mean, those big things that people in my life have taught me. Where did I get my sense of humor from? My fear of spiders? My overwhelming anxiety? My kindness to animals? My naive sense that everyone is a good person deep down? Where did all that come from? And most of all, what am I handing down to my daughter?

My dad has always been a pretty influential person in my life. But I don't think he knows that. We have a silly relationship. We joke. We tease each other. But we don't talk serious all that often. But the few heart to hearts we have had have made a big impact on me. And to be perfectly honest, the goofy moments have made me who I am too.

So, the life lessons dad has passed on to me are a big 'ol mix of serious and silly, just like dad himself.

LIFE LESSONS FROM DAD
1. Farts are funny. No matter the time of day or night.

2. Don't disrespect your mother. Ever. You can tease her kindheartedly, but don't you dare cross that line from funny to vicious.

3. There is no worse feeling in the world than disappointing your parents. There is no punishment or grounding that hurts as bad as the sentence, " I am really disappointed in you."

4. Don't judge people by appearances. Dad is not always the most "put together" person when it comes to appearance. He is a casual man... to the extreme. I think I've seen him in a suit once, at my wedding. He's dealt with some prejudice as far as people assuming he's some dumb hillbilly, but the truth of the matter is that he's much smarter than most people I've encountered.

5. If you can't buy it, build it. If you look around hard enough, you can find the parts to build just about anything. He once fixed my mom's car with parts from a shopping cart and a welding machine.

6. You may be dirt poor at some point in your life, but your kids don't need to know it. We went through a few years where my dad was unemployed, but he provided any way he could. He hunted. He fished. He crabbed. He fixed cars. He plowed snow. I never knew how bad it was until I was older. I never noticed that mom and dad didn't sit down to eat dinner with us, that they were waiting until we were done and they would eat the scraps. Dad would entertain us with funny stories and keep us occupied so we never even thought about the fact that they weren't eating. We had fun the old fashioned way.. playing outside, going sledding, drawing, playing games and getting on mom's nerves.

7. If someone is really mad at you, make them laugh. Seriously, don't give up until you make them giggle, at least a little. Perseverance pays off. When I was teen and would get into my mopey moods he would sit across from me at the table and make faces at me until I finally cracked. It's hard to hate someone when they are picking their nose and pretending to wipe it on your brother.

8. You're gonna go through some crazy shit in your life. You can't keep all those memories to yourself forever. My dad is a Vietnam vet. As a kid, I always knew there were certain things we didn't ask Dad about it. He didn't talk about it. But one day, it just all poured out. We were watching tv and he just started talking. And he talked for hours. I think it was a release for him. His stories about his war experiences taught me a lot about him.

9. Don't let yourself get lazy. Find a hobby. Dad has tons. He used to be a big car buff, but since his heart surgery he has found other things to do. He rebuilds clocks, he builds fishing rods, he buys and fixes boat motors for resale. He hunts. He fishes. He is always busy. He always has something going.

10. Don't take life for granted. Dad had a huge scare a few years ago. He had an aortic dissection. He had major open heart surgery, a new procedure that he was basically a guinea pig for. But it saved his life. I can tell that he looks at life differently now. Do what you want now, but do it safely and make sure your family knows you love them. You might not be there tomorrow to tell them.

And I guess the biggest lesson that he ever taught me is that people in your life are not perfect. But you love them anyway, embarrassing antics and all.

Would You Rather Wednesday - Back to School Edition!

Ok, it's time to play Would you Rather! You know the drill. I give you a question with two (or three) possible answers. You have to pick one. You cannot say neither.. if you say neither, I will personally come to you neighborhood and egg your house. And your dog. And your kids.

So... Welcome to a Back To School Edition of Would You Rather Wednesday!

Who would you rather sit with in the cafeteria...

The Goth kids..

The Stoners..

or the Nerds..

Would you rather dissect a frog in science? or give an oral report in History class in front of the popular kids?

Bonus Gross Out Questions...(because I am very mature...)

Would you rather accidentally fart in class? or walk around with a period stain on your pants without knowing it?

And lastly would you rather sneak in a make out session behind the gym with...
Long Duk Dong(16 Candles)?



Or Screech (Saved by the Bell)

Ok, give us your answers in the comments!!

I'm Here.. I'm Alive.. But, just barely.

I won't even give the usual excuses...I haven't been posting. I have neglected this blog for too long and it's time to get back to it. I don't think I even realized how much I needed this outlet.

So, let's get you up to speed on this exciting life of mine, shall we? It's been a busy summer. We spend lots of time with our friends, chillin' at the pool and gossiping (not about you, I swear.) It's great to have a group of friends that I can totally be myself with and not have to worry about judgement and cattiness. I adore my friends, life would be miserable without them.

We had a few dramatic weeks with Craig last month. It all began on Saturday morning, during a yard sale we were having with some friends. Craig had gotten up at 5am or so, and went to help set up. I went over around 7. Everything seemed fine. Then at 8am , he walks up to me and whispers in my ear, "Um, I've been peeing blood all night."

My reaction was, of course, anger. (what? that's not normal?) You see, this is an ongoing thing with Craig. He likes to pretend things are fine when they aren't. And it literally takes hours to get anything out of him when something is bothering him. We've have major fights over this. Why the hell hadn't he told me last night? Why did he come over and set up the yard sale? And then waited another hour to tell me after that? Ok, yeah, I was concerned.... but I was more mad. His excuse was, "I didn't want to worry you." And my response to that lovely sentiment was, "God dammit! Why can't you ever just do things the easy way?" Again, I was a shining example of the caring wife.

So, we left the yard sale (leaving our friends with our crap and a huge crowd of people). The Er was amazingly empty and we were in and out with a diagnosis of kidney stones within a few hours. That was just the beginning.

I had no idea just how painful kidney stones are! I mean, they took down my 240 pound husband and had him in the fetal position for days. They gave him Percocet and it didn't even touch the pain. (And yes, just so you know, my wife and motherly instincts did kick in and I took care of him. Not even one kick in the kidneys, thank you very much.) It turns out he had a 8x7mm stone! (that's pretty impressive in the kidney stone scene.) He had surgery last Tuesday and all is well now. (fingers crossed.) He had to strain his pee and keep the stones for analysis. And let me just say that nothing adds to the bathroom decor like a pee strainer and specimen jars filled with sediment.

Hmmm... what else? Not much actually. We helped some friends move, had a few date nights, my birthday, Ros made orange belt in Karate. That's it really. I have read tons of books and really need to get my butt in gear with the reviews.

There is one more month of summer of here, so I am sure my postings will be erratic for August but I plan on doing a blog challenge for September. (anyone do NABLOPOMO?)

So, I guess that's it for now.I will try and post more if I can ever get my kid off of ClubPenguin.com. I'll start back with Would You Rather Wednesdays next week. Hope you are all having a great summer!

TWT - Powerful Stuff...

Would You Rather Wednesday..Beach Edition

Welcome back to Would You Rather Wednesday! For those of you who have never played before, here are the rules. I give you a few questions with two possible answers. You must pick one! DON'T EVEN TRY TO SAY NEITHER! I MEAN IT, PEOPLE! ANYONE WHO SAYS NEITHER WILL BE BANISHED FROM BLOGDOM FOREVER...and I will also give you a big 'ol pimp slap on your way out. I'm warning you now...

So, anyway.. welcome to a Beach Edition of Would You Rather Wednesday...

1. Would you rather live in an episode of Lost or Miami Vice?

2. Would you rather camp on a secluded beach or party it up at an wild beach resort?

3. Pee on someone to save them from Jellfish sting ? or remove a hemit crab from a fat man's speedo?

And for you Bonus Gross Out Question...

Would you rather have a midnight roll in the sand with....
The Hoff?


Or Gilligan??

And before you even ask, no, you can't have them both. Dirty little hoochies....

Tuesday Rambings...

So, let's see.. what's going on with me? Um, nothing actually, but that's not very interesting, now, is it? So, I guess I've got to dip deep and come up with something fascinating. Or at least something that will keep you from skipping on to the next blog in your reader...

*I've been AWOL on my blog for awhile now. I wish I had a good reason for it. I've moved to an exclusive Caribbean island and having trouble finding a reliable internet connection? I've been having a wild affair with Gerard Butler and he just leaves me too exhausted to type? Nah, not really. The truth is, I've just been lying around with my girlfriends at the pool like a sloth on morphine.

*I've found a possible replacement for Edward Cullen in my heart. His name is Po and he's in the book Graceling.. have you read it?

*I'm back working. From home. Just simple, data-entry, easy-peasy stuff. I was "laid off" for awhile, and now I am just trying to be grateful for extra income and not complain about the mind-numbing boredom of it all. Thank God for Pandora Radio and Jimmy Fallon on DVR. (Oh, Jimmy, I love you.)

*We saw Transformers 2 for Date Night this week. It sucked. I was so dissapointed. My Whoppers were all soggy from my tears. (or, they would have been if I hadn't housed the whole box during the previews.)

*The summer weather is making me crave a good concert. Well, that and ice cream. And naps.

*I wish I could promise that I would be a better blogger, but really, I'm a summer slacker. Besides, who would lay sizzling in the sun, eating fudgescicles and screaming at the kids in the pool if I didn't, huh? Think of the kids, people.

So, that's it. That's all I've got. For more intersting Random-ness go to the UNMOM, for links to more dedicated bloggers. But don't leave me for good. They won't love you the way I do.

Random Post Redux #3

I had this scheduled for Saturday... I don't know why it didn't show up. Sorry, everyone! Once again, I'm hosting a Random Post Redux. Post a random, previously-used entry on your blog and give it another chance at stardom!! Link up with Mr. Linky at the bottom and we'll follow ya over to your site! Here is mine!

Previously posted on April 12, 2009

The Patron Saint of Irritated Husbands



My husband and I will be celebrating our ten year wedding anniversary next month. I am the first to admit that I am difficult to live with. I am shocked that he has put up with me for that long. The following are just a few examples of his miraculous patience.

** We had not been dating too long when my parents invited him over for dinner. My brother and I decided to class up the dinner with a fart machine under my chair. We waited until a silent moment and then... rip. My brother and I were laughing so hard he choked on his chicken parm and had to leave the table to puke in the bathroom. Of course, he continued to hit the fart remote while I sat and snorted like an idiot. Hubby just kind of giggled a little and turned beet red.

** The other week we were sitting in a parking lot trying to find directions to a new restaurant. I spot two birds out my window.
ME: Do birds have sex?
HIM: Yes (still typing on the GPS)
ME: I've never seen them do it.
HIM: (he sighs..) Well, the do. Maybe they're just private about it.
ME: Well, then where are their little wieners?
HIM: (slamming shut the GPS) Kel, they have wieners and they have sex... OK??
ME: Geez... well, excuse me, Mr. Know-it-all.

** We were feeding the geese at the park with our daughter. One goose dips her neck in the green water and guzzles some down.
ME: ewww! They actually drink that water?
HIM: (rolls his eyes.) No, they don't. They have bottled water shipped in (walks away, shaking his head.)

** I have this thing where if someone tells me NOT to do something, I have to do it. I don't know why. I've always been that way. One winter morning,when we were living in our first apartment, Craig went out to warm up his car. We had had an ice storm the night before. He came back in to get something to scrape the ice off his car. I offered to help. He told me not to go out there. The parking lot was covered in ice. That's where he made his mistake. A few minutes later he goes back out. I follow him, with my trusty spatula, ready to show him how it's done. I get to the front step and he says. "Kel! I said don't come out here! It's too dangerous!"

I get very snotty with him. "Don't you tell me what to do!" , and I step off the bottom step. "I wanna heeeeeeeellllllpp". And then I fall. I slide across the entire parking lot, on my ass. I make eye contact with him as I glide past. He just sighs. I finally come to a rest at the other end of the lot. I try to get up. Because I was stupid enough to put on slippers before I went out, I now find it impossible to stand up. And I have to wait there, in my nightgown, halfway across the apartment complex, for him to come help me get up. After five minutes of my whining, he comes over. He doesn't say a word, just shakes his head.

** A few years ago we were watching the Olympics on TV. I say to him. "I bet I can still do a handstand."
He looks over at me. "No. Please, don't."
Now he did it.
"Don't tell me what to do." I go to the middle of the room and do the coolest and most awesome handstand that has ever been done in the history of handstands. He doesn't say anything. "You didn't even look!" I yell at him.

"Yes, I did. It was cool. You're lucky you didn't hurt yourself. Now, could you move?" He looks past me to the TV.

Oh, no he didn't. I put my hands on my hips. "No! You didn't look! Watch!!" And this time I do another super-cool, spectacular handstand.. except this time, I fall over backwards and break my toe. To this day, I look at my crooked second toe and blame him.

** When I was pregnant I told him I was dead set against getting an epidural.
HIM: Why don't you want an epidural? It's gonna hurt, Kel."
ME: I'm not gettin' one. I don't want my legs all numb.
HIM: What? Why not?
Me: Because! What if I need my legs?
HIM: For what?
ME: I don't know!! What if I something happens and I need to run out of there or something??
HIM: (sighs and shakes his head, again.) Kel, where do you think you are going to need to go so badly when there is a baby hanging out of you?
ME: I don't know... but I sure won't be able to get there with jelly legs, will I?
HIM: Point taken.

So, there you have it. Just a few reasons that my husband should be appointed to sainthood. The fact that he hasn't killed me yet is unbelievable.

What I'm Lovin' Right Now...

Once again, I am totally stealing an idea from Jess over at Nerdy Jess. Because I'm a follower, not a leader, people! I'm having some major blog inspiration brain farts lately. So, what do I do? I "borrow" from other bloggers. 'Cause I'm ruthless like that. And please, check out and follow Jess. She is the awesomest! (yeah, that's a word.)

Ten Things I am Lovin' Right Now:

1. The fact that Hubby and Kid are out with our friends at an Ice Cream Social thingy and I have the house to myself. (With my own bowl of ice cream and a screening of the movie Snatch, all to myself.)

2. Chillin' with my girlfriends and our kids during the week. We've got like twenty kids between us and they're all buddies. They swim, we gossip and talk about swimming laps for exersize and never quite get to it.

3. Iced Tea, by the gallon. It's hot out. Nothing but iced tea will do. Or booze. Whichever.

4. Our weekly date night with friends. Every Thursday is "date night". We go out to dinner, the movies, or just hang out at each other houses and play games and drink. This week it was take out and the game "Catch Phrase". It got funnier with each drink. Here is a taste of the conversation:

B: Ok, this is a country....
L: RHODE ISLAND!

5. Family movie night. We've been having a lot of these lately. We're working our way through the classics. Princess Bride, Big, Goonies, etc.

6. No alarms in the morning!! woo hoo!! My daughter has this monkey alarm clock that drives me effing nuts during the school year!

7. The massive pile of books that I've got waiting for me!

8. Fireworks! Can't wait until the 4th! I Love me some fireworks!

9. The fact that I've got my job back for awhile. I know, I know. I complain. I want to go back to school. But Craig lost all his overtime right around the time I was considering quiting for good. They ran out of work for me for awhile, but I'm back. And we need it. I've definitly got enough work to keep me busy for the entire summer and then some.

10. Cold suppers, like salads and sandwiches. No oven! Easy clean-up!

So, what are so happy about? Make a list on your blog and play along!!

#32 The Chosen One by Carol Lynch Williams

I have always been fascinated with Polygamy. Now, put your pitchforks down. I'm not saying I condone Polygamy or approve of it in any way. I am not saying it should be practiced or accepted or even exist, for that matter. I am just saying that I find it..well, fascinating. I am always in search of books on the subject, devouring them when I do. Though, I had never read a book that truly portrayed the Polygamist lifestyle from a young teen girl's point of view. Until I found The Chose One.

The Chosen One by Carol Lynch Williams may be found in the YA (young adult) section of your average bookstore, surrounded by Gossip Girl novels and Twilight copycats, but this is not your typical teen literature. Because the main character, Kyra, is nothing like your typical thirteen year old.

Kyra was born into Polygamy. She has never even thought twice about the fact that her father has three wives. She enjoys her twenty brothers and sisters and is ready to welcome even more. Kyra even accepts the fact that she will one day be a plural wife herself. But when her time arrives, she is shocked with what she has to face.

The Prophet, who is closest to God in their sect, has a vision. Kyra is to marry a 60 year old elder of the church. Not only is he over 45 years her senior, he is also her uncle. Kyra resists, but there is no escaping her fate. She will marry this man, or leave the sect (and her family) forever. But even escaping is not easy, and Kyra will risk death trying to do so. Women before her have tried and were murdered in their attempts.

The Chosen One is, without a doubt, the best book I have read this year. I was completely enthralled, staying up until 3am to finish it. Although I could not directly identify with Kyra's struggles, I could root for her happiness. Whether or not she actually finds it is another subject entirely.

Don't expect a perfect ending. There are a lot of questions left unanswered at the end of this book. But you will find yourself completely immersed into a world that few people even acknowledge exists. This book really makes me wish they're right.

Random Post Redux...#2

Every Saturday, I will be having a feature called, "Random Post Redux", and you are all welcome to join right in! Each Saturday, post a "previously used post" for us all to see.Link up with Mr. Linky at the bottom, so we can check out your blog! It can be anything you've posted in the past on your blog. Did you blog something hilarious back in January? How about your very first post ever?

Why do this? Well, it gives new readers a chance to learn more about you. (Oh yeah, and it's also a really easy way to get a post in when you've got nothing...not that this is my problem.. no way. I'm a wealth of creative ideas.)

This post was originally posted on March 16, 2009
Hey everyone! My slacker self is back with the question of the week. Feel free to take it to your blog and run wild.. or just answer it here! Just trying to inspire some bloggy creativity. So, on to this weeks topic..

WHAT WAS YOUR FIRST CAR? What did it look like? Did you buy it? or your parents? Where you embarrassed or proud? How long did you have it? Where did you go in it?

I have to begin by telling you that I have never really cared about cars. Which is weird because I come from a line of car enthusiasts. I could truly care less what I am driving, as long as it gets me where I am going. The car I am driving now is proof of that. It's called the "silver bullet" and that's all I have to say about that.

I bought my first car at age 17. I did not save up for it. Although I had been working since I was 13, with babysitting and Burger King, I had no money set aside for it. My parents had a rule that they would not buy our first cars. (They were very "earn your own way" and all that.) So, because I was not really interested in cars, nor did I have any money.. I took my paycheck from Burger King on the day I turned 17 and went car shopping. The selection of cars available for 149.76 was incredibly slim as you can imagine, and this is what I ended up with:

(not my actual car.. I did not take picures... but this is it's twin, amazingly found online!)

Yes, that's right people. This fine piece of automotive machinery was all mine. A 1978 AMC Concord. It was a lovely shade of faded green, accessorized with sassy spots of orange rust and silver scratches. The interior was too die for, and with that I mean, it smelled like someone died in there. And although I had never been a car enthusiast, I remember getting behind that gigantic steering wheel and inhaling that sweetly decaying body scent and thinking..."Shit. I probably should have saved two paychecks."

However, I do look back fondly on "the Tank". It took me places and that's all I wanted. Sure, I arrived in a rattling, smoking beast that stalled spontaneously and backfired at inopportune moments, but I got where I was going. Which at the time, was my boyfriends house. He was glad just to not have to drive. He even taught me how to do burnouts.. and I mean, really.. isn't that just the most romantic thing you have ever heard?

There really is no freedom like your first car. I remember long drives, singing my heart out to Juliana Hatfield in my Doc Martens and babydoll dresses and just reveling in being alone and being able to go wherever my heart desired. Well, at least until I ran out of gas, cause the gas gauge was broke.

Eventually though.. it was time to move on. The tank had his run and it was good one. But he was a tired, old soul and was eventually put out of his misery. (I forgot to put oil in him and his engine blew up.) But this time, I was prepared. This time I saved two paychecks. Meet the oil guzzling, pollution cloud inducing creature know as "The Mosquito Sprayer".


It lasted about a month, before I ran it straight into the ground and my parents gave in and bought me a car. I think Dad was sick of picking his daughter up on the side of the road next to a smoldering car.

So, I say thank you to you, The Tank and The Mosquito Sprayer for all your hard work and dedication to getting my sweet little teenage self away from my parents( who I am sure were so glad to get my whining butt out of their cars). May you rust in peace forever in your junkyard graves.

Funny Friday....

Welcome to Funny Friday! Got a funny post on your blog? A hilarious joke? A silly photo? Or maybe a crazy video? Comment and link up here and share! Start the weekend off right.

A new spin on Jurassic Park..

Watch Hey Dinosaurs on CollegeHumor

Also, if you haven't already, you must go to the website Texts From Last Night. I love this site, I check it out everyday!

Now, add your site to Mr. Linky here, and share some funny stuff!!

Would You Rather Wednesday..

All right, you know how to play! I give you some questions, with 2 possible answers. You HAVE to pick one. You cannot say neither! Saying "neither" will result in a terrible, burning rash in your nether regions.

Now here we go...

WOULD YOU RATHER...

have 500 followers (on your blog) that only comment occasionally or a 30 followers who post regularly?

Skip Christmas or your Birthday?


Have a billboard of you in your underwear in Times Square? Or a 10 minute sex tape of you sent to 5 of your friends?

And now.. for you Gross Out Question...
Would you rather...

Have wild, dirty sex with ...

Andy Dick

Or Clay Aiken...


To be honest, I think they'll enjoy as much as you will...

Mommyhood - For Jess

One of my bestest bloggy buddies, Jess, over at NerdyJess, posted a few questions about motherhood over on her blog this week. I wanted to answer them for her, from my point of view. I tend to ramble, so I decided to do it on my blog instead of taking up all her comments with my verbal diarrhea. Here are her questions, along with my answers. (and seriously, check out her blog people, she is the coolest. Love, love, love her!)

So, tell me, what is it like to be a mom?

Well, everyone says the same thing, don't they? It's hard, but it's worth it. And it is. Worth it, I mean. As for the difficulty level, it varies. It depends on the kid. I've got a fairly easy kid. She was a handful at first. Colicky and never slept. Like never. But you know what? Those years don't last that long. And it's hard making decisions and wondering if you are doing the right things by them. But having someone love you unconditionally and as totally as a child does... I would take 60 years of sleepless night and colicky babies.

Does labor hurt? (duh.)
Oh honey, I want to tell that you that no, it doesn't hurt. Or maybe just a little. Or maybe give you that old spiel about "it's hurts but you forget about it." But it's not true. It hurts like hell and you will have never forget. Ever.

Do you really lock yourself in the pantry when the kids are screaming, you're overwhelmed, and eat a jar of marshmallow fluff to keep from beating your head bloody?

Yes, Yes I do. Are you judging me?? bitch.

How does your relationship change with your spouse after baby?
Again, it depends on you. If you decide to make your marriage a priority, I think most marriages can handle children. I made the mistake of completely becoming "mom" and forgetting about the "wife" part. I was all consumed with baby. I am trying to break those bad habits. It's hard not to let that little bundle become your entire life and forget about Hubs for awhile. But don't. That baby will grow up and move out and guess who is still there, if your lucky? Hubby.

Did you work before baby? Did you work after baby?
I worked before and after baby, but I had weird circumstances. My job offered me the option of working from home. It wasn't easy. I feel like I missed alot of her baby years because I was always on the computer. Now, that I am not working anymore..I'm struggling. I'm bored. I am not the type that wants to clean and primp the house. I'm just not. Now I find myself searching for other options.

Do you feel guilty for staying home/going back to work?
How did you decide? Do you get jealous? How do you cope with the jealousy of the other side of the coin?
It's always greener on the other side, isnt' it? Don't we all want what someone else has? The stay at home moms miss going to work. The working mom's feel judged by the stay at home moms. When you become a parent, you will feel this rivalry. It's on every playground. I'm not saying every mom feels this way... but there are many who do. You need to decide where you feel comfortable and you may change you mind midway... but that's your choice. No one else's.

How do you keep from completely screwing up a kid?
um, you can't. You can do you best and try your hardest and hope for the best. It might work. You might raise an angel. You could raise a hellion. Roslyn may turn out just as messed up as me. Or she may take her own path and run in the other direction. The only thing I can do is be honest with her about my mistakes in the hopes that she doesn't make them herself.

So, there you go, my lovely Jess, hope it helps. I am, by no means, an expert. But I try as hard as I can, which is all any mom can do. Good luck, girl! I know that one day you will be the most awesome mom! (and I have a feeling the baby's nickname will be "cupcake".)

Random Post Redux...

Every Saturday, I will be having a new feature called, "Random Post Redux", and you are all welcome to join right in! Each Saturday, post a "previously used post" for us all to see.Link up with Mr. Linky at the bottom, so we can check out your blog! It can be anything you've posted in the past on your blog. Did you blog something hilarious back in January? How about your very first post ever?

Why do this? Well, it gives new readers a chance to learn more about you. (Oh yeah, and it's also a really easy way to get a post in when you've got nothing...not that this is my problem.. no way. I'm a wealth of creative ideas.)

So, here is mine... this was orginally posted on 2/19/2009 (with 62 comments and counting)...

So, for Funny Friday this week, I am going to tell you a little story that my girlfriends find freakin' hilarious. Which, of course, means that it involves me making a total ass of myself.

It all started with a cold. And you all know how dramatic I am when I am sick. I went to the doctor as a last resort, my throat was on fire. I had a throat infection. They gave me antibiotics and sent me home, saying "if you have any questions, just give us a call." (they know better now, thank you very much.)

The next morning, I wake up and my throat hurts so bad. I shine a flashlight in my mouth and see that the "little punching bag" thing is really swollen. Of course, I freak and call my best friend. I say, "I'm gonna call the doctor. What's that thing called anyway? I don't wanna say "punching bag"." She says she doesn't know. I then say, "Oh wait! I know! It's the VULVA! right?" And she says, "oh yeah.. I think you're right." We're both really, really smart.

This is the converstation I had with the nurse:

me: My vuvla is huge and bright red.

Nurse: um, sorry?

me: My vulva it's gigantic and it hurts.

Nurse: your Vulva?

Me: Yeah.. I can touch it with my tongue.. it's enormous. I don't know what's going on.

Nurse: Wait a minute (i think she might have put me on speaker) Your vuvla is huge and red and you can touch it with your tongue? I think you need to call your gynecologist.

Me: Why? is that a sign of something bad??? (I'm freaking out.. a sore throat means ovarian cancer or something?)

Nurse: Ok, hold on (laughing) are we talking about your genitals?

Me: (completely dumbfounded...) NO! (what a pervert) My throat!

Nurse : (cannot stop laughing..)oh! Your UVULA! I was begining to think you were some sort of contortionist!

The following is the definition of the word Vulva (I am sure most of you know it..)

*the external female genitalia, including the clitoris and the inner and outer labia surrounding the urethral and vaginal openings.*

A New Name, A New Me?

So, as you can clearly see.. I've changed up my blog. I went from Girl in the Glasses to A Hesitant Housewife. I think it suits me better. Yes, I still have the glasses.

I will still be featuring "Would You Rather Wednesdays?" and "Question of the Weak" and "Hot Seat".. but I'm going to be adding a few new things as well.

It's gonna be a bumpy ride for awhile as I get the kinks out, but I think you'll like the changes when I'm done. So, hang tight! There's more to come!

Question of the Weak ... Pet Peeves..

What are your top five pet peeves? What drives you absolutely nuts? Leave a comment and let us know, or take the idea over to your own blog and run with it!

Here are mine:

1. People who pick their nose in the car while driving. Why do people think this is OK? You do not turn invisible when you roll up those windows. We can see through them. They are glass, nimrod. And no, you are not going fast enough that we don't see you digging for gold up your left nostril.

2. When I lose something and someone says, "Where did you last have it?" Um, well let's see, dumb-ass, if I knew that I would know where said item is. That's just the same as saying "Where is it?". Um, I DON'T KNOW! HENCE, THE FRUSTRATED SCREAMING AND THROWING OF OBJECTS. You are not helping. Please leave.

3. People who are on their cell phones constantly. It drives me nuts when I see people out taking a walk with their phones to their ears. What ever happened to a nice contemplative walk to clear your head and think? I want to smack it out of their hands and scream "Look at the damn birds, would ya? Wave hi to a neighbor for Christ's sake!"

4. People who still wear the "80's bang". You know the one... otherwise known as "the pouf" or the "rats nest" or the "what the hell is that on your forehead? a dead raccoon?"

5. Sandals and socks. 'nuff said.

I have tons more.. it's a shame really, how many things drive me crazy. Maybe it's me? Eh, nah.

How To Be A Bad Blogger...

It seems that I have become a expert on the subject of horrible blogging. I am the epitome of the the scatterbrained and fickle bloggess. So, of course, it would be my honor to share my wealth of knowledge with you, my dedicated readers.

How To Lose Readers and Alienate Followers:

* Do not post regularly. There should be no rhyme or reason to your frequency of posting.

* When people comment on your posts, don't comment back. Be as rude as possible and don't reciprocate even with the smallest of compliments on their blog. They may return the favor and visit your blog again! Which of course, means you need to post again, to give them something to read.

* Please, start lots of regular features on your blog, like "would you rather wednesday" and "funny friday" and "question of the week"... and then only post them sporadically and on the wrong days. This will keep your readers aggravated and annoyed.

* When you do post, make sure there are lots of spelling and grammatical errors. Nothing pisses off a reader like reading a unedited post. Keep them guessing your meaning with misspelled words, and incorrect usage of adjectives.

* Also, post several times explaining your absence from your blog, and ensure your loyal readers that you will soon be back to regular postings. You must complain that "life has gotten a little hectic", but please, don't specify how or why. (because then you would have to explain that really, you've just been lazy and taking naps with the dogs.)

*And finally, if you are a bad blogger, accept your failings. Run with them, make a post up about how awful you are at commiting to anything, even something you love, like writing. Share your slackery-ness, and teach others how to fail at blogging as well. Because it's no fun to be a loser by yourself. Please, drag others down with you.

So practice these easy steps and you too can be a failure at blogging just like me!!
YOU'RE WELCOME!!

#31 The Hotel on the Corner of Bitter and Sweet by Jamie Ford

This book is just beautiful.

The Hotel on the Corner of Bitter and Sweet by Jamie Ford is the story of two children during WWII. Henry Lee is Chinese. Keiko is Japanese. Although Henry is hesitant at first to be friends with a Japanese girl, Keiko soon wins him over with her sweet personality and big brown eyes. In the midst of their blossoming romance, Keiko and her family are sent to an interment camp for "their safety". Henry is left confused and heart broken. Keiko is American. He can see that. Why can't anyone else? His father is very adamant in his hatred towards the Japanese. Henry is left to struggle with his love for his family and his love for Keiko. Will they be able to keep their romance blooming while she is gone? Will his parents ever accept her?

Henry is also left to deal with the discrimination of being an Asian American during a very turbulent time in American History. All he wants is to be with Keiko, listening to the jazz music they love and watching her draw. But Society and his family has other plans for them.

This book really is a mixture of "bitter and sweet". I cried at the end, not sure if they were tears of sadness or happiness or just plain relief that their struggles were over.

Can't recommend this book enough!

#30 The Sweetness at the Bottom of the Pie by Alan Bradley

The Sweetness at the Bottom of the Pie by Alan Bradly is such a unique novel! The main character, Flavia, is a great quirky character. She is definitely different than any other character I have ever read about! She is 11 years old and unlike any 11 year old I have ever met! Flavia is a chemistry addict! She spends all her free time in her lab, mixing up poisons and potions. (a few she even uses on her sisters!). Flavia is absolutley delighted whens she looks out her bedroom window early one morning to see a man dying in their vegetable patch! She rejoices in the drama of a mystery to be solved! Who did it? Her dad? The gardener? And why? The rest of the mystery is also centered around a unique stamp. I know, really, a stamp mystery? But it was actually interesting!

I thoroughly enjoyed following Flavia around her sleepy little village, searching for clues. She is quite an interesting little girl! I really hope that Mr. Bradley does a series of these books! I miss Flavia already!

Would You Rather Wednesday..

Time to play!! I haven't done this in awhile , so here goes. I give you questions with 2 possible answers, you have to pick one. You cannot say neither. No, really, you can't. It's not even possible, so don't try it.

Here we go...

Would you rather....

Shave your head? or not shave any hair from your body for a year?

Eat nothing but Spam for a week?

Or nothing but Hot Pockets for a month?


Join a Fight Club?

Or the Red Hat Society?


And lastly... for those of you who I know secretly love it.. your bonus gross out question..

Would you rather get it on, all freaky-like, with
Billy Mays (who knows where those thumbs have been...)


or creepy Willard Scott from the Today Show...

hmm... looking at these pics, I am sensing a theme with the thumbs... oh the things those thumb could do... blech! I just threw up a little...

Love Notes From A Seven Year Old...

Yesterday, when I got home from the store, Roslyn had 2 loves notes waiting for us. One for Craig and one for me. Both were very sweet. One was hilarious...

Here is mine:

It reads:
Dear Mom,
You are the best mom I ever heard of and even sometimes you are very funny but the best thing you can do is be my mom. Love Roslyn. (And then there is a portrait of me.. lookin' quite spiffy I might add.)

And then Craig handed me his to read.

His read:
Dear Dad, you are the best dad in the world. Even you know that sometimes you can get grumpy but you are my dad and that's the best thing you can do. Love, Roslyn.
(and then there is a pic of craig, complete with a shirt that reads "Life Stinks.")

God, I love this kid.

Question of the Weak.... Celebrity Crushes..

So this week's QUESTION OF THE WEAK is.... Who are you celebrity crushes?? Who do you find yourself drooling over on tv and at the movies? What singers really do it for ya? Why do you like them? Don't be embarrassed, tell us! We wanna know!! Leave your answers in the comment section, or link us to your site and tell us all about your secret crushes!

Now, I am going to tell you a little about my secret celebrity boyfriends. I have odd tastes. I always go to the weirdos. (Sorry Hubs, but you know it's true.)I always have comedy crushes. I love, love, love funny guys. It helps if they are cute, but quirky is always sexy to me.

My first boyfriend is.... SIMON PEGG!


I just love, love, love him! There is just something about that goofy grin of his...and his just all around "spazzy-ness". If you haven't seen Run Fat Boy, Run! you have got to see it! Although, he's funny in eveything! And oh, I forgot the accent... love the accent.

Secret Lover #2 is Paul Rudd.

Don't even try to pretend that you don't love him, too. You know you do. What's not to love? Funny, cute and weird. I love it when he is on Conan and when it's time to roll a clip of his new movie, it is always the same "Mac and Me" clip. (remember that goofy movie?) He does it everytime. High-larious. I especially love it when he plays a pissed off character like the super cool Andy in Wet Hot American Summer. And yes, I admit, he wouldn't need his Sex Panther cologne from Anchorman for me.

Private Dancer #3 is.... Jack Black.

Yeah, you heard me, Jack Black. I love him. I find him very attractive. I don't know what it is. He is so very talented. Have you heard Tenacious D? His band? Um, they rock. Just don't let your kids hear it. And he is freakin' hilarious. I think I just may marry him someday. Hubby won't mind.

My Final Boy Toy is.... Will Arnett...


I mean, come on ladies... look at that face! How can you not love him? He is just so pissy and weird and goofy. I love that snarky attitude. And the voice... awesome! Add to the fact that he is married to Amy Poehler who is a girl crush of mine, so bonus points for that.

There ya have it... my celebrity secret boyfriends. I stalk them all.. the bushes in front of Simon Pegg's house are actually pretty comfy...

#29 The Geurnsey Literary and Potato Peel Pie Society

Oh, how I adored this book! The only thing that disappointed me was the fact that it ended! I wanted it to keep going! I did not want it to end!

The story is told in a series of letter and telegrams, which is always magical to me. I find it amazing that an author (or authors in this case..)can create a story that way. I love stories told in this matter. It feels as if you have come across a chest full of old letters in your granny's attic. Almost as if you are spying on someone else's life.

Juliet is a young woman, living in post WWII London. She is single, and quite sure that she will never find true love, especially in her war torn city. She makes her living writing a column for a daily paper, called "Izzy Bickerstaff Goes to War". But when the war ends, she finds herself struggling for new story ideas. As if by fate, she receives a letter for a complete stranger, asking for help locating a book. The stranger is a pig farmer named Dawsey, living on the island of Geurnsey. Geurnsey was occupied by the Germans during the war and the residents are just coming out from under their thumb. But they've got plenty of stories to tell. Juliet and Dawsey begin a regular correspondence and soon other islanders are sending letters as well. A strong friendship is formed and soon Juliet finds herself visiting the island. She has come to collect the stories, both happy and truly heartbreaking, for a book. But she manages to find much more than just inspiration for a story. She finds real people with real hearts and real frienships, along with a love of books.

Some of the stories she hears are absolutely horrific. Others are heartwarming and funny. But all of them are completely absorbing and fascinating.

I fell in love with each other characters, all who are as different from one another as possible. The Geurnsey Literary and Potato Peel Pie Society is truly amazing. I cannot recommend it enough!!